How do I deal with this? SN son not invited to party but he thinks he is

[Anonymous]

None of you all complaining about the behavior of SN kids seem to have read the question, which specifies that the OP's child is always actually sweet and well behaved at parties.

My kid is not SN, but if she were excluded like this, MAN would I want to call the parent. Because if no one makes them aware of the fact that you know this happened, they don't feel any shame. And they should be made to feel some shame. I'd be perfectly nice about it, but sort of disbelieving, that my kid said the birthday child had insisted over and over that he was invited, and I had checked my spam, and then with another parent in the class who said it looked like every child but mine had been invited. So I just wondered if there was a problem.

I don't care if it's rude to ask directly. You want to hurt another kid, then stand up for your convictions and be ready to do it to their parent's face. Don't just cower behind your evite while your kid invites that other kid in class.

You want to be a jerk, be a jerk. But if the other parent calls you out, they're not the one being a jerk. It's you! Oh is it uncomfortable being confronted about why the kid your kid likes wasn't invited to the party? TOO BAD. You acted like a jerk so deal with looking like a jerk. It's really the least you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

What's your point, pp? Op already stated that her child isn't out of control like the one you dealt with. Your post doesn't really contribute much to this conversation imo. It seems like you are trying to shame SN parents/children and brag about your "sweet heart" dd. I'm sorry your DD's party got ruined, but you actually seem very rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a SN child but I do have an odd/different perspective on this. Over 40 years ago, when I was new to a school, I was invited to a 'popular girl's' birthday party: I had invited her to mine. She told me on the playground, in front of many other children, "I only invited you because my mom made me do it." We were in second grade.

I was hurt and embarrassed and while I don't remember a thing about that party, I do remember the little girl's face and tone as she told me.

Children can be terribly cruel. Moms can be, too, or sometimes simply forgetful (although if she's invited almost everyone in the class and not your DC, well, that's tough). In this case, it sounds as though you're doing the best you can, OP. Good luck.

It's funny that you post this. I had a huge crush on a boy named Craig in second grade. I liked him because he was very smart and very good looking. I invited him to my birthday party. He came and told me at my party "You only invited me so my mom would force me to invite you to mine." I'm still attracted to smart boys, but not when they're douchebags like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited.

If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

The problem is not all special needs parents, just like other parents are not attentive. If the parents are, you can make it work. I was friends with a mom when our kids were is preschool and they regularly came over for a while and her kid would be very destructive and break my kids toys. She would not supervise him and just said to glue or I can replace it, no big deal. I got tired of stuff being broken.

SN with social issues not not necessarily mean poorly behaved. I am the PP of the child in 1st grade who was not invited to any birthday parties and was told he was by some of the other kids over the year. (Yet, everyone came to his birthday.) He did not behave poorly from a parent or a teacher perspective. He had trouble connecting with his peer group and a dynamic developed in the social order where he was at the bottom and it was horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

What a POS you are. That is a child of God regardless of the mother's behavior and you treat others as you yourself would be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

What a POS you are. That is a child of God regardless of the mother's behavior and you treat others as you yourself would be treated.

She did invite the child. And based on HIS behavior, she won't invite him again. ITA with her. It's the right thing to invite a child once, but once they've behaved like that they don't get another invitation until the behavior problems are resolved.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I would do, OP. I would email the mom and say "Hi Jane, I know this is a bit awkward but Johnny has said to me several times that Lizzie invited him to her birthday party at Sport Bounce next week. I am not sure if I missed the invite or if there has been a misunderstanding but I wanted to double check with you. If Lizzie wants Johnny at her party I would hate for him to miss it due to a mistake on my part. Either way, please let me know! Thanks, Barb."

This lets her know that a) Lizzie did invite him which you know because he does know the party details and b) that you're giving her an out to issue him an invitation and claim it was an oversight. If she says there's no party or he's not invited, you plan something cool and say "Johnny, I told Lizzie's mom you couldn't make it because WE are going to to ______ today!"

And then you call her a bitch and wish her weight gain and jowls and move on with life with your head held high!

[Anonymous]

I think it's ok to call and ask. If my daughter were inviting extra guests, I would want to know! If she invited your son without her mother's knowing, OP, she may have invited a bunch of other kids too. So as her mom I would want to be prepared for more guests, and to guide her in appropriate behavior. I wouldn't be at all offended-- it's awkward, but kids that age do not have complete mastery of etiquette so we as parents have to figure things out. If anything, I would be embarrassed at my daughter's faux pas.

And if I were the other mom, OP, I would have invited your child in the first place, and would certainly invite him if asked. One of my best friends has a child with SN, and her daughter always comes to our parties. My children know there will be hell to pay if they exclude her. This is how I was raised and I believe in it.

[Anonymous]

The OP didn't say that her child was the "only one excluded." She stated that it appears that the birthday party list includes most of the kids from the "inclusion class" that her child attends with the birthday child plus some additional friends from the other 1st grade.

Some kids just can't be included. Sounds like the mom had to cut off the head count. The OP has already said that she thinks that she will make alternate plans. That's what many other parents typically do.

There is no need to be distraught over it and then attempt to pressure the mom for an invite with meddlesome phone calls or e-mails.

[Anonymous]

You are receiving some terrible advice. DO NOT CALL OR EMAIL THE BIRTHDAY CHILD'S MOM. My kids don't have special needs, but each of them had this happen to them once or twice: the birthday child said they were invited, but we didn't have an invitation.

Don't cause an awkward situation by contacting the parent. The awkwardness with that family will extend far longer then the party if you contact the parent. Every kid has to deal with not being invited, many times in his/her life. Just do something fun that day with your son, and tell him not everyone is invited to everything.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, we always invite the whole class because of this. I'm sorry, OP, and to all the other SN moms who've had to face this.

[Anonymous]

When this has happened to my NT child, I say, "We haven't gotten an invitation and you can't go unless you do. So if your friend wants you at her party, she needs to tell her mom to contact me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never deliberately exclude a child from a party when the rest of the class, gender, etc is invited. If a child has disruptive behavioral issues, I would talk privately with the parents and ask that one of them stay for the duration of the party.

I understand small parties but I don't understand adults excluding a young child- there's just no excuse. The aunt with the party/American Girl experience-- be assured that those parents were raised by wolves. Awful.

OP- I'm in the camp that suggests planning something fun- even if it's a movie at home with a gentle explanation.

Sometimes that's not enough. The parent may come but may be so relieved to finally think their kid is part of the group they don't intervene. Or they're so used to their kid's awful behavior that they let things go that are unacceptable. We tried to include a horridly behaved boy once, because my DD has a sweet heart and said nobody had ever invited him to a party and she wanted to. He threw temper tantrums, he punched his fist through the cake, he screamed through the Happy Birthday song, he opened two presents before DH started taking them all away, and his mother did NOTHING. "He's just excited." No, he was making my daughter regret being kind and ruining her party. Oh, and then he also refused to leave our house. And his mom just kept drinking her coffee and not getting up - they were the last to leave. We never invited him again and I don't regret that decision.

This is a case of a poorly behaved parent. If my child (who is quite nice at parties btw) acted out, I would take care if the situation. I wouldn't let him "ruin" anyone's party. I do agree that if I sensed he was reluctantly invited, I would not want him to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

SN with social issues not not necessarily mean poorly behaved. I am the PP of the child in 1st grade who was not invited to any birthday parties and was told he was by some of the other kids over the year. (Yet, everyone came to his birthday.) He did not behave poorly from a parent or a teacher perspective. He had trouble connecting with his peer group and a dynamic developed in the social order where he was at the bottom and it was horrible.

I continue to be appalled by the fact that parents think it's OK to let their young children accept birthday invitations that they have no intention of reciprocating. It' s pretty simple, folks. "Johnny, that's great that you want to go to Larlo's party at the bounce house, but keep in mind that if you go to his party, you need to invite him to yours." Full stop. This not not just about teaching your children empathy (god knows that's important, thought lots of people seem to cut corners where their own convenience or squeamishness or snobbishness or bias comes into play ); it's also teaching basic life skills, aka "how to get through the world without being perceived as a total jerk."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are receiving some terrible advice. DO NOT CALL OR EMAIL THE BIRTHDAY CHILD'S MOM. My kids don't have special needs, but each of them had this happen to them once or twice: the birthday child said they were invited, but we didn't have an invitation.

Don't cause an awkward situation by contacting the parent. The awkwardness with that family will extend far longer then the party if you contact the parent. Every kid has to deal with not being invited, many times in his/her life. Just do something fun that day with your son, and tell him not everyone is invited to everything.

But the child has been invited by the other child. The situation is already ackward. And it is in poor taste to invite most of the class and exclude a few. Either invite select friends, or all of one gender, or the entire class.