Vent. I'm a slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've walked in your shoes. Felt bitter, burning rage, etc. Sure I posted here a couple times. In my case, we both WOH, and I was stuck with the majority of house stuff, plus ALL the financial/bill paying, and if i wanted the car serviced, etc, I did it. DH did 50 percent of the child care and I did 90 percent of everything else. I even made a list of all household chores, and the only ones he did were grocery shop (50 percent), dishes (50) and taking out garbage (75 percent--because inevitably he'd forget sometimes and I'd do it). We had 2 kids under 3 and I wanted to fucking gouge his eyes out. Part of the problem is that he just didn't see the clutter or the stuff to be done, or he didn't care the way I do about having a clean house, folded laundry, etc.

For a couple reasons, I am much calmer about it all now. I still do the majority but a lot of stuff I just don't do. And either DH does it, or it doesn't happen for a while, but I just kind of take a look and say "eh." FOr example, cooking dinner nightly is my job, but DH wouldn't always do the dishes after---and when he did he'd usually leave like 3 or 4 out, and a dirty counter--and it felt like a 'fuck you' but I realized, its not personal! He's not trying to make me his slave. He just is kind of lazy and half assed about cleaning. So, now. I cook and I leave the dishes. I come downstairs at night and if they're still there, I leave them and usually they get done. Now, if DH had a ton of work at night and I didn't, I would do them, but the point is that I don't take on burdens and then get resentful. and I especially don't get resentful because I do what I consider "nice things" for DH and he doesn't do the exact same for me (he does other nice things).

Another thing that has worked is that I take more time for myself and this has been key. On the weekends I usually take a couple hours for myself-massage, etc. I have more 'girls nights' and two years ago I took a couple days away. DH has always encouraged this, tried to make it work, and it makes things feel more equal.

Having far less anger about it all has helped me address things more evenly when they need to change, let go if its not important, and it has also made DH far more helpful. I think I was walking around seething and he felt like nothing he did was ever going to be good enough, which made him avoidant. We are more of a team now, but it took me letting go of anger, letting go of some standards, just not doing stuff and finding other ways in which DH could contribute to equalize things. I think this is key for you because whatever the details--SAH duties or not, standards or not--what comes out of your post is a really deep, explosive anger that has to be dealt with. While I sympathize at how household stuff can build up to that, it really shouldn't and it is your responsibility to address your anger, even if it his responsibility to contribute more.

The only thing that worked for me was hitting rock bottom in the relationship and realizing that the guy I married would never pull anywhere near his weight, with kids or house. What was my solution? Other than the kids growing up and thus able to do more for themselves and around the house: I spend what I want, don't do chores I don't want, make up reasons to be gone from the house and most importantly, I have another relationship in which I'm truly cherished and supported. Otherwise, I would have had to get divorced. I do everything you do, plus the grocery shopping.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

then those people should get jobs. Staying home is a luxury and a choice.

For some people, it costs more to put all the kids in daycare/aftercare, so they don't work. For some people, it wasn't about luxury.

Well, I think you should educate yourself enough to get a job that can pay for daycare with income left over before you procreate.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

then those people should get jobs. Staying home is a luxury and a choice.

For some people, it costs more to put all the kids in daycare/aftercare, so they don't work. For some people, it wasn't about luxury.

Well, I think you should educate yourself enough to get a job that can pay for daycare with income left over before you procreate.

Let me understand what you are saying: If you can't make enough money to afford daycare, then don't have kids. So, basically, the "poors" should not procreate. Let the "poors" die out.

Then, who will take on the menial jobs? Not your kids, surely, because you won't allow them to do such a thing. Oh, right, we can import cheap labor on one hand, and on the other, not allow them to procreate. Sounds like a plan. Maybe you should convince the Scandinavian countries, Japan, Korea, how their negative or stagnant population growth is actually good for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your posting made me so sad OP.

Especially the sentence where you stated that you felt like an "afterthought."

I can see why and how you must feel so overwhelmed and under-appreciated by your husband. It looks to me as if he is doing everything "half-assed" just to pacify you, such as simply putting the dishes in the dishwasher, but not wiping the table or cleaning the pans, etc. It's like in his mind, at least he did something so he gets his free pass out of jail.

You need to talk to him about this, but it needs to be at a time when you are not feeling resentful and bitter about the issue. And also, you have to keep your tone and the way that you choose your words in check because the last thing you want is for him to get defensive and for you both to get in a heated argument. If that occurs, nothing good will come out of it.

Just stress to him that you would appreciate a little more THOUGHT and EFFORT on his part every once in a while. That is all, not too much to ask from you.

Hopefully in the right mood, he will see the error of his ways and make the necessary changes.

I wish you both the best of luck with this.

OMG. OP is a nag and you want him to change HIS ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

then those people should get jobs. Staying home is a luxury and a choice.

For some people, it costs more to put all the kids in daycare/aftercare, so they don't work. For some people, it wasn't about luxury.

Well, I think you should educate yourself enough to get a job that can pay for daycare with income left over before you procreate.

Let me understand what you are saying: If you can't make enough money to afford daycare, then don't have kids. So, basically, the "poors" should not procreate. Let the "poors" die out.

Then, who will take on the menial jobs? Not your kids, surely, because you won't allow them to do such a thing. Oh, right, we can import cheap labor on one hand, and on the other, not allow them to procreate. Sounds like a plan. Maybe you should convince the Scandinavian countries, Japan, Korea, how their negative or stagnant population growth is actually good for them.

Or you could take menial jobs until you had kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.[/quote

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

Some of us like to eat our food freshly cooked. Plus, if you've ever had small children you would understand that the mess they make while eating requires more than just "wiping the table off"-- at least if your standards are reasonably high for cleanliness.

Ok, well, if you don't want to bake a lasagna that has been prepped in advance , then that is your priority and you are creating a rush in the evening. If that is your preference that is fine but don't complain about it. I would hate to come home to a kitchen full of dirty pots and pans every night.

Baking a lasagna that was prepped in advance still creates a pan to be cleaned after dinner, not to mention whatever sides you serve, so salad bowls and maybe pot from steamed veggies? It's ridiculous to act like you can magically escape washing the dishes that wee used to cook a meal by prepping in advance.

Get a dishwasher. All of my pots and pans (including a pan for lasagna) go straight into the dishwasher. It just shouldn't take more than a few minutes . Empty the dishwasher during the day and keep loading as you go. You don't have to have multiple sides. Lasagna and a roasted vegetable is fine. Stir fry or some kind of curry dish with steamed rice is fine (we always have rice or quinoa ready to go in the fridge).

You can make one pot slow cooker meals, eat leftovers, make enough rice for a few days, etc. You shouldn't have a kitchen full of pots and pans every night if you plan ahead. Would it really kill you to eat something from the slow cooker sometimes, or reheat something you made another day? It just seems that preparing an elaborate dinner *every* night, right at dinnertime, creates work. Is there truly NOTHING that could be done earlier? For example, I get a produce box and wash and chop everything so it's ready to go. I load things like cutting boards, pots and pans that I am no longer using, as I go. If you're organized there shouldn't be 30 minutes of cleaning up dishes after dinner.

Also, I don't like to be wasteful, but instead of steaming veggies I generally roast them on a sheet pan lined with aluminum foil. I buy veggies pre-chopped.

Have you looked into something like six o clock scramble? I really like that website, and she includes in the recipe lists of things that can be done in advance to reduce the dinnertime rush.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is my DH but I'm a WOHM, up at 7am, get dressed and ready, make lunches, pack kids in car, run to work, run to get kids before aftercare closes (leaving before my colleagues and looking like an ass), get home, go straight to make dinner (while kids are doing homework), eat together, bath/shower time, read books together, short kid individual time, clean up kitchen, pick up house, fold laundry, work out or shave my legs, go to bed, get up and do it again. EVERY. F. DAY.

DH feels like 'cleaned up the kitchen' if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher and goes back to his computer on the sofa.

The true man doesn't come out until kids come, I agree with whoever said that.

Vent over - yes, my choice and I live with it every day

[Anonymous]

I feel exactly like you OP. My DH helps with barely anything, despite him only working part time as opposed to me working full time with an hour commute each way.

My day to day currently goes like this:

Get up at 5:30am to walk the dog, then when I get back, feed our 4 month old. Spend 30 minutes cleaning the dishes/kitchen, and preparing daycare bags and lunch for the baby and my 4 year old. 6:30 am take a shower and get ready. 7am get 4 year old out of bed, dressed, teeth brushed and ready to go, and get baby dressed and ready to go. Make a cup of coffie for DH. At 7:30, go wake DH up. When he gets dressed and comes out, I have the baby in his carrier on the floor with our 4 year old with his coat on and his school bag, and baby's school bag and DH's coffee waiting on the table. DH takes the kids to school (which is a 5 minute drive) and then he comes back and goes back to sleep. When we had the baby, I told him I really needed help in the mornigs - previously he just slept in until 10 and I dropped DS off at school on my way in to work. Taking them to school for me is the only thing he would agree to help with.

7:45am leave for work. 6:30-6:45pm arrive home from work. Make dinner. Give kids baths if there is time. Play time and 1 30 minute tv show for 4 yo while I give baby his bottle. Put kids to bed at 9pm (DH will do this about 20% of the time). Clean kitchen up some, do laundry, other various cleaning, etc.

All the while, DH is sitting on the couch using his Fn laptop....then has the nerve to ask me to bring him drinks.

Go to sleep around 11pm. Get up at 1:30 am to feed the baby (he's like clockwork, always wakes up at 1:30). DH will not do any overnight childcare. Try to get back to sleep to get in another couple hours of sleep hopefully, but it's hard because once I'm up it's really hard to fall back to sleep again.

Get back up at 5:30am. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT

I'm so exhausted, yet DH thinks I should be grateful that he takes out the trash, takes the kids to school and picks them up, and takes out the trash and recycling.

Sometimes I just feel like dying. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Wait - PP - does your DH work outside the home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - PP - does your DH work outside the home?

Nevermind - just saw that he works part time. I am exhausted on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

You all come on here to gripe and complain, brag about being the smartest women on Earth yet you can't figure this out ?

Just a reminder, if you have a shitty husband and are raising a son, your future DILs will be on here in about 20 years bitching about your no good lazy sons and the woman that raised him.

OH THE IRONY !

[Anonymous]

DH takes the kids to school (which is a 5 minute drive) and then he comes back and goes back to sleep. When we had the baby, I told him I really needed help in the mornigs - previously he just slept in until 10 and I dropped DS off at school on my way in to work. Taking them to school for me is the only thing he would agree to help with.

PP, that is a waste of a human being. You are a single mom. Might as well be and leave his lazy ass. Oh my goodness. Sleeps until 10?!? This is almost abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH takes the kids to school (which is a 5 minute drive) and then he comes back and goes back to sleep. When we had the baby, I told him I really needed help in the mornigs - previously he just slept in until 10 and I dropped DS off at school on my way in to work. Taking them to school for me is the only thing he would agree to help with.

PP, that is a waste of a human being. You are a single mom. Might as well be and leave his lazy ass. Oh my goodness. Sleeps until 10?!? This is almost abuse.

I'm contemplating it. We are really at the point though that we just can't afford to divorce.

[Anonymous]

You are a SAHM. Your job is to handle the house duties. His job is to go to work and bring home the money so you can have a roof over your head, food to cook/eat, and clothes to put on your (and your child's) back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel exactly like you OP. My DH helps with barely anything, despite him only working part time as opposed to me working full time with an hour commute each way.

My day to day currently goes like this:

Get up at 5:30am to walk the dog, then when I get back, feed our 4 month old. Spend 30 minutes cleaning the dishes/kitchen, and preparing daycare bags and lunch for the baby and my 4 year old. 6:30 am take a shower and get ready. 7am get 4 year old out of bed, dressed, teeth brushed and ready to go, and get baby dressed and ready to go. Make a cup of coffie for DH. At 7:30, go wake DH up. When he gets dressed and comes out, I have the baby in his carrier on the floor with our 4 year old with his coat on and his school bag, and baby's school bag and DH's coffee waiting on the table. DH takes the kids to school (which is a 5 minute drive) and then he comes back and goes back to sleep. When we had the baby, I told him I really needed help in the mornigs - previously he just slept in until 10 and I dropped DS off at school on my way in to work. Taking them to school for me is the only thing he would agree to help with.

7:45am leave for work. 6:30-6:45pm arrive home from work. Make dinner. Give kids baths if there is time. Play time and 1 30 minute tv show for 4 yo while I give baby his bottle. Put kids to bed at 9pm (DH will do this about 20% of the time). Clean kitchen up some, do laundry, other various cleaning, etc.

All the while, DH is sitting on the couch using his Fn laptop....then has the nerve to ask me to bring him drinks.

Go to sleep around 11pm. Get up at 1:30 am to feed the baby (he's like clockwork, always wakes up at 1:30). DH will not do any overnight childcare. Try to get back to sleep to get in another couple hours of sleep hopefully, but it's hard because once I'm up it's really hard to fall back to sleep again.

Get back up at 5:30am. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT

I'm so exhausted, yet DH thinks I should be grateful that he takes out the trash, takes the kids to school and picks them up, and takes out the trash and recycling.

Sometimes I just feel like dying. That is all.

This is horrific. I'm so sorry PP.