Vent. I'm a slave.

[Anonymous]

If you're a slave because you take care of your house and kids as a SAHM, what's your husband? Your meal ticket/pocketbook?

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling, stat.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've walked in your shoes. Felt bitter, burning rage, etc. Sure I posted here a couple times. In my case, we both WOH, and I was stuck with the majority of house stuff, plus ALL the financial/bill paying, and if i wanted the car serviced, etc, I did it. DH did 50 percent of the child care and I did 90 percent of everything else. I even made a list of all household chores, and the only ones he did were grocery shop (50 percent), dishes (50) and taking out garbage (75 percent--because inevitably he'd forget sometimes and I'd do it). We had 2 kids under 3 and I wanted to fucking gouge his eyes out. Part of the problem is that he just didn't see the clutter or the stuff to be done, or he didn't care the way I do about having a clean house, folded laundry, etc.

For a couple reasons, I am much calmer about it all now. I still do the majority but a lot of stuff I just don't do. And either DH does it, or it doesn't happen for a while, but I just kind of take a look and say "eh." FOr example, cooking dinner nightly is my job, but DH wouldn't always do the dishes after---and when he did he'd usually leave like 3 or 4 out, and a dirty counter--and it felt like a 'fuck you' but I realized, its not personal! He's not trying to make me his slave. He just is kind of lazy and half assed about cleaning. So, now. I cook and I leave the dishes. I come downstairs at night and if they're still there, I leave them and usually they get done. Now, if DH had a ton of work at night and I didn't, I would do them, but the point is that I don't take on burdens and then get resentful. and I especially don't get resentful because I do what I consider "nice things" for DH and he doesn't do the exact same for me (he does other nice things).

Another thing that has worked is that I take more time for myself and this has been key. On the weekends I usually take a couple hours for myself-massage, etc. I have more 'girls nights' and two years ago I took a couple days away. DH has always encouraged this, tried to make it work, and it makes things feel more equal.

Having far less anger about it all has helped me address things more evenly when they need to change, let go if its not important, and it has also made DH far more helpful. I think I was walking around seething and he felt like nothing he did was ever going to be good enough, which made him avoidant. We are more of a team now, but it took me letting go of anger, letting go of some standards, just not doing stuff and finding other ways in which DH could contribute to equalize things. I think this is key for you because whatever the details--SAH duties or not, standards or not--what comes out of your post is a really deep, explosive anger that has to be dealt with. While I sympathize at how household stuff can build up to that, it really shouldn't and it is your responsibility to address your anger, even if it his responsibility to contribute more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

then those people should get jobs. Staying home is a luxury and a choice.

For some people, it costs more to put all the kids in daycare/aftercare, so they don't work. For some people, it wasn't about luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haha op I think we married the same man, except I get a sigh and an eye roll when I ask for help. Yep, joy. Pure joy!

No advice, just empathy.

So why did you choose to marry a baby?]

[Anonymous]

I understand where you are coming from but you denigrate every SAHP when you use the word slave. A real slave had no choice, you do. And personally, I never felt like hired help because above all else, I am respected and loved at home.

You need to figure out what's important and what isn't. I have a feeling this isn't about the home stuff, it's about your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my parents got married, the preacher told my dad, in front of my mom, "do everything she asks you to do around the house, but do it poorly."

Sounds like this is ops husbands tactic.

yea I'm sure he told him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha op I think we married the same man, except I get a sigh and an eye roll when I ask for help. Yep, joy. Pure joy!

No advice, just empathy.

So why did you choose to marry a baby?]

Probably because that side of the man doesn't come out until the real kids arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

Some of us like to eat our food freshly cooked. Plus, if you've ever had small children you would understand that the mess they make while eating requires more than just "wiping the table off"-- at least if your standards are reasonably high for cleanliness.

Ok, well, if you don't want to bake a lasagna that has been prepped in advance , then that is your priority and you are creating a rush in the evening. If that is your preference that is fine but don't complain about it. I would hate to come home to a kitchen full of dirty pots and pans every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've walked in your shoes. Felt bitter, burning rage, etc. Sure I posted here a couple times. In my case, we both WOH, and I was stuck with the majority of house stuff, plus ALL the financial/bill paying, and if i wanted the car serviced, etc, I did it. DH did 50 percent of the child care and I did 90 percent of everything else. I even made a list of all household chores, and the only ones he did were grocery shop (50 percent), dishes (50) and taking out garbage (75 percent--because inevitably he'd forget sometimes and I'd do it). We had 2 kids under 3 and I wanted to fucking gouge his eyes out. Part of the problem is that he just didn't see the clutter or the stuff to be done, or he didn't care the way I do about having a clean house, folded laundry, etc.

For a couple reasons, I am much calmer about it all now. I still do the majority but a lot of stuff I just don't do. And either DH does it, or it doesn't happen for a while, but I just kind of take a look and say "eh." FOr example, cooking dinner nightly is my job, but DH wouldn't always do the dishes after---and when he did he'd usually leave like 3 or 4 out, and a dirty counter--and it felt like a 'fuck you' but I realized, its not personal! He's not trying to make me his slave. He just is kind of lazy and half assed about cleaning. So, now. I cook and I leave the dishes. I come downstairs at night and if they're still there, I leave them and usually they get done. Now, if DH had a ton of work at night and I didn't, I would do them, but the point is that I don't take on burdens and then get resentful. and I especially don't get resentful because I do what I consider "nice things" for DH and he doesn't do the exact same for me (he does other nice things).

Another thing that has worked is that I take more time for myself and this has been key. On the weekends I usually take a couple hours for myself-massage, etc. I have more 'girls nights' and two years ago I took a couple days away. DH has always encouraged this, tried to make it work, and it makes things feel more equal.

Having far less anger about it all has helped me address things more evenly when they need to change, let go if its not important, and it has also made DH far more helpful. I think I was walking around seething and he felt like nothing he did was ever going to be good enough, which made him avoidant. We are more of a team now, but it took me letting go of anger, letting go of some standards, just not doing stuff and finding other ways in which DH could contribute to equalize things. I think this is key for you because whatever the details--SAH duties or not, standards or not--what comes out of your post is a really deep, explosive anger that has to be dealt with. While I sympathize at how household stuff can build up to that, it really shouldn't and it is your responsibility to address your anger, even if it his responsibility to contribute more.

I think the bolded statements are very important. Men just don't typically have the same standards of "clean" and are not nearly as motivated to clean things as women usually are. Instead of getting resentful about "doing all of the cleaning," just don't do so much and let things sit a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.[/quote

But why isn't dinner one of those things that can be done during the day? I was on maternity leave with a 3 year old and a newborn. After the first crazy month or so, I just cooked dinner during a nap and the kitchen was generally clean by dinnertime. I am back to work now, and I do all the cooking on the weekend, generally it's just loading the dishwasher during the week. If you're home all day, You should be able to cook and clean up from making dinner during the day at least some days(barring some special needs or other commitments). After dinner cleanup shouldn't be more than putting plates in the dishwasher and wiping the table off. I can see splitting bedtime, but if her "work hours" are 8-6 why shouldn't laundry and cooking get done in that time?

Some of us like to eat our food freshly cooked. Plus, if you've ever had small children you would understand that the mess they make while eating requires more than just "wiping the table off"-- at least if your standards are reasonably high for cleanliness.

Ok, well, if you don't want to bake a lasagna that has been prepped in advance , then that is your priority and you are creating a rush in the evening. If that is your preference that is fine but don't complain about it. I would hate to come home to a kitchen full of dirty pots and pans every night.

Baking a lasagna that was prepped in advance still creates a pan to be cleaned after dinner, not to mention whatever sides you serve, so salad bowls and maybe pot from steamed veggies? It's ridiculous to act like you can magically escape washing the dishes that wee used to cook a meal by prepping in advance.

[Anonymous]

Your posting made me so sad OP.

Especially the sentence where you stated that you felt like an "afterthought."

I can see why and how you must feel so overwhelmed and under-appreciated by your husband. It looks to me as if he is doing everything "half-assed" just to pacify you, such as simply putting the dishes in the dishwasher, but not wiping the table or cleaning the pans, etc. It's like in his mind, at least he did something so he gets his free pass out of jail.

You need to talk to him about this, but it needs to be at a time when you are not feeling resentful and bitter about the issue. And also, you have to keep your tone and the way that you choose your words in check because the last thing you want is for him to get defensive and for you both to get in a heated argument. If that occurs, nothing good will come out of it.

Just stress to him that you would appreciate a little more THOUGHT and EFFORT on his part every once in a while. That is all, not too much to ask from you.

Hopefully in the right mood, he will see the error of his ways and make the necessary changes.

I wish you both the best of luck with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not about who does how much of what. It is that it all gets done and both of you get time alone and time together to relax. I am a SAHP of four children 10 and under. We work as a TEAM and both of us get plenty of time to pursue our hobbies and then time together. It is the only way that works. Some weeks I get most things done around the house, other weeks I get little done (sick kids, busy schedule etc). Good marriages need both partners to work together and stop the bloody bean counting.

+1

SAHM here - I work hard all day, he works hard all day, and we both pull together at night so we can relax TOGETHER. He appreciates my hard work to keep the household running and I appreciate him so much for not coming home and expecting me to fetch his slippers. We are a team, 100 percent dedicated to our kids and our family.

God finally some sense on this thread. Healthy marriages make it work. Unhealthy marriages take advantage of each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has made me realize more and more that I need to either not have kids or be a working mom. We truly get the shit end of the deal. You either work outside the home and miss out on a significant part of your child's childhood but have help and can demand equal help at home. OR you get to see your kids but become a glorified maid and cook. Shoot me now.

It's not really like this. Ideally, you work your butt off before you have kids, so when they come you can afford both excellent childcare and obtain flexibility at work. I don't feel that I've missed out on a significant part of my childrens' growing up just by working full time. My kids are teens now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I will just say it. Do you want to be a single mother? Because that's pretty much the road you are heading down. You don't want to improve your marriage. You want to be right and righted and that's completely the opposite of what you need to do if you want to fix this (or try to).

I am going to assume your DH isn't an assaht and cares about you. I am also going to assume he's clueless and you are silently fuming or passive aggressively fuming and he's annoyed about working, stress blah blah and you are annoyed blah blah and boom. Divorce.

So that's one path.

Another path is to get on the same page as your husband. Either in a neutral way through therapy or on a one to one discussion. Get on the same path and get understood. And if he fails to understeand when you've opened your heart, well then get a divorce (and a job) because you are a single mom anyway.