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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I've walked in your shoes. Felt bitter, burning rage, etc. Sure I posted here a couple times. In my case, we both WOH, and I was stuck with the majority of house stuff, plus ALL the financial/bill paying, and if i wanted the car serviced, etc, I did it. DH did 50 percent of the child care and I did 90 percent of everything else. I even made a list of all household chores, and the only ones he did were grocery shop (50 percent), dishes (50) and taking out garbage (75 percent--because inevitably he'd forget sometimes and I'd do it). We had 2 kids under 3 and I wanted to fucking gouge his eyes out. Part of the problem is that he just didn't see the clutter or the stuff to be done, or he didn't care the way I do about having a clean house, folded laundry, etc.

For a couple reasons, I am much calmer about it all now. I still do the majority but a lot of stuff I just don't do. And either DH does it, or it doesn't happen for a while, but I just kind of take a look and say "eh." FOr example, cooking dinner nightly is my job, but DH wouldn't always do the dishes after---and when he did he'd usually leave like 3 or 4 out, and a dirty counter--and it felt like a 'fuck you' but I realized, its not personal! He's not trying to make me his slave. He just is kind of lazy and half assed about cleaning. So, now. I cook and I leave the dishes. I come downstairs at night and if they're still there, I leave them and usually they get done. Now, if DH had a ton of work at night and I didn't, I would do them, but the point is that I don't take on burdens and then get resentful. and I especially don't get resentful because I do what I consider "nice things" for DH and he doesn't do the exact same for me (he does other nice things).

Another thing that has worked is that I take more time for myself and this has been key. On the weekends I usually take a couple hours for myself-massage, etc. I have more 'girls nights' and two years ago I took a couple days away. DH has always encouraged this, tried to make it work, and it makes things feel more equal.

Having far less anger about it all has helped me address things more evenly when they need to change, let go if its not important, and it has also made DH far more helpful. I think I was walking around seething and he felt like nothing he did was ever going to be good enough, which made him avoidant. We are more of a team now, but it took me letting go of anger, letting go of some standards, just not doing stuff and finding other ways in which DH could contribute to equalize things. I think this is key for you because whatever the details--SAH duties or not, standards or not--what comes out of your post is a really deep, explosive anger that has to be dealt with. While I sympathize at how household stuff can build up to that, it really shouldn't and it is your responsibility to address your anger, even if it his responsibility to contribute more.  [/quote]

The only thing that worked for me was hitting rock bottom in the relationship and realizing that the guy I married would never pull anywhere near his weight, with kids or house.  What was my solution? Other than the kids growing up and thus able to do more for themselves and around the house:  I spend what I want, don't do chores I don't want, make up reasons to be gone from the house and most importantly, I have another relationship in which I'm truly cherished and supported. Otherwise, I would have had to get divorced. I do everything you do, plus the grocery shopping.[/quote]

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