Vent. I'm a slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of marriages would work out better if women just stopped being SAHMs, got a job they love and hired help to clean/do laundry.

But this still doesn't help OP's specific situation of cleaning up after dinner, unless you eat out every night.

My point was that men think that if they have a SAHM they are paying for 100% cleaning/cooking/laundry. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

You honestly need to get a job. Being a SAHM is rife with this sort of strife. You want him to do what's basically your job description and be the boss of him while it's being done? That's going to work out well.

Also -- bean counting in a marriage is poison. You are going to have to accept things are just not a tit for tat. I say this as the working spouse of a SAHD who is very ill and for the moment cannot even do that. Yes, I am strained. Yes, I am frustrated. But no, I do not blame him or carry a laundry list of things I do because that would not be helpful and also I love the guy.

OP, I hate to say this, but you are treading in a hot area. You don't have to deal with the difficulty of working and the entire point of being a SAHP is to make the life of everyone, including the working parent, easier. If you are complaining constantly, I'd be pissed after a long day.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and expect to do most of the household work.

HOWEVER. For the smooth running of the household and in case of emergencies, the other spouse has to do these tasks occasionally, to practice as it were, and know where things are and how much time each chore takes.

You have to tell your husband that he needs to keep his hand in, for practical reasons. Speak plainly and directly, and lead him to it, that's the best way to stave off resentment. If he claims not to know something, then he gets a lecture and hands-on demonstration on how to do it, which will cut into his relaxation time. If he leaves the job half-done, then he has to return to finish it.

[Anonymous]

OP, just do what so many upper-middle class SAHMS do and get divorced. Then, you can have a free ride for the next 10-20 years with child support and alimony, never having to hold a job, all the while believing that you are being exploited by your jerk of a husband who bankrolls your relatively pampered lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

I'm with OP. Her DH sound really passive aggressive. If he doesn't want to clean up the dinner dishes, then that's the conversation they should have. He shouldn't agree to do something and then do a half assed job at it. Is that how he handles work assignments? I doubt it. She's been working all day too, and it's not unreasonable to expect everyone in the house (kids too, when they are old enough), to lend a hand for the common good. This is really basic, but it sounds like it's turning into a power struggle. SAHP does not equal slave. Her DH does not live in a hotel with full meal service. He lives with his family. He's also modeling what it means to be a partner. OP says that DH has lots of time for hobbies etc. It sounds like they need a good conversation, then she needs to make sure she carves out some me time. Let him do dinner/bath/bed.

They both work full time, and if she worked out of the home, they would be paying someone a decent wage to do what she's doing. And then they'd both be entitled to check out at the end of a work day? No, they'd have to take over for the nanny/au pair/day care center and get dinner on the table, cleaned up, kids bathed and in bed, etc.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people posting here that do not understand what a SAHM does all day. Raising children is the most important job in the world. Expecting mature assistance from your partner with a few minor chores is what you expect when you love someone and they love you.

I think what bothers the OP is the thoughtlessness, more than the actual execution of the chores. When someone doesn't care enough to do the best they can, it's hurtful to the person who is putting their whole heart into their chores.

Maybe the OP needs to explain it that way to herself, and to her husband. Everyone needs a refresher now and then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB.

Oh so she is suppose to work 7 days a week? While he has two days off? When does she get a break?

Exactly. A SAHM means that she does the work that needs to be done at home while DH is at work. So let's say he's gone 8am-6pm every day. Those are her working hours too, Mon-Friday. ANYTHING that falls outside of those working hours (dinner, nighttime wakeups, illness, weekends) are SPLIT evenly between the two parents. This is not that hard to understand. It's called being a parent and a homeowner.

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds shitty. My advice would be to bring it up to him in a non-charged moment. Pick a calm time and just say you'd like to talk to him. Explain you feel taken advantage of. Use the cleaning up after dinner example. Ask him how you can work together to make sure everything gets done. He most likely has NO IDEA how much stuff you do. Write out a list. Show him what you spend your time doing during the day as part of your "job" and make it clear that there's stuff you guys have to split. Hopefully he's receptive and not defensive. If he's defensive try to keep things calm. Try not to criticize and make it sound like a team effort. "What can WE do together to make things run smoothly". That kind of thing. It might take several conversations, but the key is to STAY CALM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's so terrible at after dinner clean up then admit it's not his strong suit and stop putting yourself in this position. Let him do bath time and you do the cleaning.

This. Don't offer him a choice -- ask him to do bath time when you clean up.

The other alternative is to talk to him about it, IF you can do it with humor and without resentment. Like, "dude, what's up with the table? It's still covered in crap!"

My spouse and I can say that to each other -- but getting there took a while... If you can't do it, just offer him a different job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people posting here that do not understand what a SAHM does all day. Raising children is the most important job in the world. Expecting mature assistance from your partner with a few minor chores is what you expect when you love someone and they love you.

I think what bothers the OP is the thoughtlessness, more than the actual execution of the chores. When someone doesn't care enough to do the best they can, it's hurtful to the person who is putting their whole heart into their chores.

Maybe the OP needs to explain it that way to herself, and to her husband. Everyone needs a refresher now and then.

"Raising children is the most important job in the world."

What??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of marriages would work out better if women just stopped being SAHMs, got a job they love and hired help to clean/do laundry.

But this still doesn't help OP's specific situation of cleaning up after dinner, unless you eat out every night.

Yes it does, because if she worked, he'd stop seeing the house as solely her responsibility. She's not a partner, she's the nanny and housekeeper to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand SAHMs that constantly demand that their husbands do housework for them. Either be a SAHM or don't. I don't think your feelings of being a "slave" are justified.

PP.. have you ever been a SAHP with little kids? What do you think SAHP do at home all day when they have little kids? Does the laundry magically get done? Bathrooms automatically clean themselves? Maybe SAHP of older kids don't do as much at home, but if you have little kids and are a SAHP, it's not that easy. I did it for a few months.

Then you did it wrong. It's not hard.

+1,000

It's not physically hard, but it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some people find it more difficult than sitting behind a desk all day in front of a computer.

I 100% agree, but those people shouldn't be SAHMs. I personally couldn't cut it as a SAHM and I also worry that too much of household duties would fall to me. Both DH and I working puts us on equal footing and that's the way it works best for us.

[Anonymous]

Completely ridiculous. It is not a sahp job to do every ducking "chore" in the home. When both parents are present and there are two or more tasks to be completed, of course each parent should take one task. And cleaning up after dinner - one they all partook of - involves more than placing dishes in the dishwasher. If he doesn't want to clean, bathe the kid. How is this hard? It isn't assigning work to say to a spouse " we need to do x and y. Which one do you want to do? That's basic communication.
God this placeakese want to bang my head against a wall sometimes.