Vent. I'm a slave.
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Anonymous
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I am feeling so resentful of my husband right now. I feel like he's just another child in our family and I'm so sick of feeling that way. Everytime he does something I ask him to do- like empty the dishwasher, clean up after dinner, etc. He just does such a half-assed and incomplete job that it ends up being easier for me to do it myself but then the anger just bubbles up and I feel so annoyed. Then when I try to bring it up to him, it sounds so petty. I don't care that he doesn't do it my way. I know I'm type A and like things done a certain way. I've let go of that. I just want things done and he is a grown ass man. For example, last night after dinner I asked him if he wanted to clean up from dinner or start a bath for our youngest daughter. He chose clean up from dinner. I give DD a bath, get her in her pj's and put a show on for her before bed and go to the kitchen and the table still has crumbs and placemats all over, pots on stove. All he did was put the dishes in the dishwasher and walk away. So now I gave the bath AND I have to clean up the rest of dinner. This is just time number 1000 that this has happened. When he empties the dishwasher he leaves a bunch of crap on the counter because he "wasn't sure where to put them". We've been in our house for a few years and if you aren't sure, just open the cabinets and see where they go! It's not fucking rocket science. Our 7 year old can (and does) do it.
I feel like I do so many little things he doesn't even realize to make life easier for him- one small example is that after I take a shower I put the nice new dry one right next to the shower so that when he goes in it will be right there for him rather than having to walk to the other side of the bathroom and grab it. Little things every day to make life smoother. No one ever does anything like that for me. I'm an afterthought. The other night I didn't feel like cooking dinner and said do you want to go out. He didn't care and that's when it dawned on me that for him, every night is like a fucking restaurant! He comes to the table with dinner served and then gets up and walks away when he's done. I do all the work. Yes I'm a SAHM but I am so tired of doing it all myself, especially when he does not currently have an especially demanding job. He's home a ton and spends plenty of time on hobbies and such. I feel like an unappreciated slave. I expect this from my young kids, but not from him. I'm so over it. Thanks for listening to my vent. |
Anonymous
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Stop putting a towel out for him.
Do not do any of his laundry or take anything to the dry cleaner. If he doesn't finish the job, point out the things he did not do and ask him to finish the job. |
Anonymous
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Put your foot down and stop doing everything.
Yes, you are a SAHM but NO you are not a slave and if you feel that way then you need to say something before the resentment builds too high. When he doesnt do the dishes, like you asked, leave them out. Ask him why he didnt do them. Hold him accountable. Don't allow yourself to become a doormat. |
Anonymous
| The title should be: "I'm a Doormat". You are not a slave. Slavery is involuntary. Being a doormat is a choice that you made. |
Anonymous
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Oh hell no. I know women here rant about a lot of things, but this to me is the worst. I expect my partner to put his 50% share.
Have you read the 7 love languages? I think yours must be acts of service. That's what mine is. I truly feel unloved if my DH isn't doing his part. Laziness drives me insane like none other. |
Anonymous
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If he doesn't do the things you ask, don't do them for him. Don't be a doormat.
This kind of post is exactly why I'd never be a SAHM. Men lose respect for women as equal partners and start seeing them as the maid. UGH. |
Anonymous
+1,000; seriously you put out his towel? The laundry I get bc you are a housewife. He will stop acting like a kid once you stop treating him like one. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but this hit home for me. First time I've ever really realized that that's what the issue is. Guess I should actually read the 7 love languages book. Thanks, PP. |
Anonymous
Honestly it's an amazing book. Super short too. It changed how I deal with all my close relationships. Realizing that my mom NEEDS gifts and feels loved when she receives them (but dad and sibling don't care about gifts so I don't try hard there). Realized that canceling on my one friend definitely was the worst to her. It just helped me focus on who needs what and I drop the rest. |
Anonymous
You may think you've done this, but it sounds like you really haven't. My observations: You view yourself as a task-master. You not only want to tell him what to do, but also HOW to do it. But, you're not actually in charge, and this sort of attitude really is a vicious cycle. He resents being assigned a task in the first place, and then to be criticized for his performance of said task later only causes him to care less. If there's no pleasing you, what's the point of trying after a while? Think about it -- does he ever assign you tasks? Probably not, since men generally don't do this. But what if he came up and announced, "the tub is dirty -- I need you to clean it. Be sure to use Comet, and rinse it really good. Take care not to spill any Comet on the rug, as it will bleach the color out." And then, after you complete the task, he comes in and complains that you missed a spot. I'm guessing that you're behaving more like this than you realize. Also, in all likelihood, you also probably do not notice or value things he DOES do around the house. I don't know what those things might be -- it varies from family to family. But, say he's the only one who walks the dogs. Or picks up the dog crap when it accumulates in the yard. Or changes the light bulbs. Or balances the check book. Or cleans the stairs. Or changes the furnace filters. Or whatever. So, my advice is to stop feeling so put-upon. He's not your employee, so stop treating him like one. |
Anonymous
I agree with this post but only to a point. My DH does something similar, and it bugs me. DH clears up after dinner because I cooked. Great. But, cleaning up doesn't just mean putting the dishes away. It does mean cleaning up the pots/pans and wiping the crumbs off the table/counter. If the person who is supposed to be cleaning is not doing this, then who is? Should we just leave the pots/pans dirty on the stove and crumbs on the table? I don't tell my DH "how" to clean, but if he is going to do it, then do it completely, not half the job. That's what OP is stating. That her H is doing a half-ass job, not that he's not doing it "her" way. OP - I just politely ask my DH if he could wipe down the table, too. But inside, it does bug me that I have to tell him to do that. I'm hoping that eventually he will just get used to doing it. This is not an area that I want to fight over. |
Anonymous
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When my parents got married, the preacher told my dad, in front of my mom, "do everything she asks you to do around the house, but do it poorly."
Sounds like this is ops husbands tactic. |
Anonymous
| How long have you been married? Haven't you had a conversation regarding expectations - like, 'what does cleaning up after dinner entail'? My DH is a great guy but never did much household stuff growing up. He literally didn't see the crumbs on the table or dustbunnies on the floor. Once we had the discussion about expectations and he learned to see crumbs/dustbunnies, things got a lot better. If he hasn't done the work as it should be, don't do it for him. Tell him what he missed and let him do it. |
Anonymous
I don't even put out towels for my kids. I trained them as toddlers, and have no interest in training an adult. |
Anonymous
| So basically you want him to do 100% of his job AND 50% of your job as well. And you seriously think this is fair and reasonable. Get over yourself already and DO YOUR JOB. |