Am i wrong for being angry DH wants to change careers?

[Anonymous]

This is his one and only life - support him and let him figure it out. My DH made a similar decision at age 47, changed careers and has been successful.

[Anonymous]

My mom went back for a masters when I was in high school, and went on to LOVE her career in her 50's and 60's. Then she went and got yet another masters at 70. My dad supported it all, and her kids are very proud of her. Your kid might be proud of his/her dad, too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is his one and only life - support him and let him figure it out. My DH made a similar decision at age 47, changed careers and has been successful.

47 is a lot different than mid-late 50s.

[Anonymous]

I say let him do what he wants.

It sounds to me like this is his passion.

If you discourage him + he ends up listening to you and not going after his dream, trust me...Resentment will build up and this will be a bone of contention for the rest of your lives together.

I say choose your battles wisely and let him do what he wants.

Your children are older now so it won't matter as much.

[Anonymous]

How about he waits to go back to school till the kid in high school has his drivers license? Then it would not be as much of an issue, would it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He too old,, to late for him he made his bed time to sleep in it

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom went back for a masters when I was in high school, and went on to LOVE her career in her 50's and 60's. Then she went and got yet another masters at 70. My dad supported it all, and her kids are very proud of her. Your kid might be proud of his/her dad, too, OP.

You're asking this woman to think about something else other than herself and her immediate selfish needs. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is an infinite supply of spoiled women on DCUM who lose their shit whenever there is any possible change in their incredibly pampered lives.

Ain't that the fucking truth...

If this were a video game, DCUM would be where spoiled, entitled women get "spawned."

[Anonymous]

Don't like him changing careers? Why don't you go get your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: he would be absolutely miserable with a full retirement and says that he doesn't want to be one of those people who retire and then worry for years about running out of money. My concern is how viable a late 50's career change is. He tells me that it is taking his existing skills to a new direction, but he spent years building an education and experience for this? it worries me because he earns 90% of the household income. Our child at home worships him and I don't want to see the last 1 1/2 years at home ruined by a father who is too busy.

OP in high school quality is way more important than quality. You phrase this about "What about my needs?" You both have needs. Neither set should be thrown under the bus. I don't think a career change in his mid 50's is untenable, but it needs to be well thought out.

Instead of just reflexively blowing up at him, you two should work together to see if you can hatch a plan to make everything work. It might not, but it might be a really good plan. Or it might, as you said, be crazy. But only a little more thought will help you figure this out.

And if he really earns 90% of the income with your DS in high school, do you have a plan for taking on a more serious role when he is gone? If not, you might also ask yourself why you are able to work at a low paying career and enjoy life while your husband has to toil at something he hates? Something is wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

I do not know how many of you are actually in your 50’s, but something happens around that age. We all start to realize that we are squarely in the second half or last third of our working life. We starting thinking back to the “wind behind our sails” mentality that we had in college or just starting out. That we were going to change the world, have some impact or make a boatload of money. We often think of what we can do in the last 10-15 years to cement our professional legacy. What OP’s DH is feeling is totally natural. Some volunteer for non profit boards while others want to try to hit it big for a few years.

The people that are saying he should suck it up are wrong. Marriage is not a prison sentence. Selfish? This guy has carried the load and has brought in at least 90% of the income for years. He basically allowed himself to be the financial mule of the family. SAH can be tough at times, but it does not compare to having your entire family’s financial well being in your hands. OP is trying to pin this on the kid, but it is her that is insecure. She has this tidy little life and she fears that it will disrupted. His time and energy will not be focused on keeping her little box intact and that scares her as much as the money. I have seen it before. Also, most schools offer online degree programs for professionals. I am working on another degree and I have not set foot in a classroom in over a year. Everything is distance learning. And my kids are tickled pink and LOVE coming to my awards programs and such. They see me, even as a geezer, as someone who is trying to improve myself. My 2 oldest are in college and they say it motivates them.

But I will say this OP and all the other “you are too old, suck it up” wives out there. If OP does not at least attempt to make this work, that man is going to be leaving right after the kid pulls off for college. The resentment will be too much.

Signed,

A 53YO who went back to grad school with a kid in high school and is married to a DH who changed his career at 54.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is financially supporting himself in this effort, and is still able to continue to contribute to the financial support of the family, then you should be emotionally supportive. I think it is great he is doing this. If he is stuck in a rut and unhappy, then this makes sense. They say you are never too old to go to school. If he finds a career he really enjoys, then he will do really well and you could also reap of the benefits (both financially and emotionally).

You are lucky. My husband has never been involved with his kids - and I have always worked fulltime.

x2
For the life of me I can't figure out what the husband is doing so wrong here with this planned career change that doesn't mention any interruption in finances.

Agreed. Support him, OP.

[Anonymous]

I confess, I was surprised to see such a split of opinion here. Barring any financial crisis that going back to school would create (and I suspect that if it would, the OP would have mentioned it up front), this seems like a no-brainer to me. This guy wants to spend two years going back to school to train for essentially a lateral move that will allow him to make more money working fewer hours in the long run. Yes, he will probably have less time for your younger son in the next 1 1/2 years, but that's not the same as no time, and their relationship will not be defined by this single period. In fact, I imagine that if your DH can work fewer hours in his second career, he'll be in a even better position to spend time with his kids and develop those relationships than he does now.

On the money front, he's hoping to keep working for another 10-15 years. Given how you described your respective financial contributions, it seems like this would be wonderful for shoring up your retirement. What happens if he ends up completely burned out in five years and want to retire earlier because he can't bear to go into the office anymore? Switching careers seems like it could potentially be a very good move for you guys.

And then on his personal well-being, it sounds like he's pretty bored with his current career. Finding something new and intellectually engaging has been strongly correlated with increased health and vitality, and a longer life span. Assuming you like your husband, this seems like a pretty good deal, doesn't it?

Just my perspective. Of course, I'm a SAHM who has repeatedly told her somewhat professionally burned-out spouse that if he could just find the thing he loved and pursue it, I'd go back to work, sell the house, move to a less expensive area, etc. Because fulfillment matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I confess, I was surprised to see such a split of opinion here. Barring any financial crisis that going back to school would create (and I suspect that if it would, the OP would have mentioned it up front), this seems like a no-brainer to me. This guy wants to spend two years going back to school to train for essentially a lateral move that will allow him to make more money working fewer hours in the long run. Yes, he will probably have less time for your younger son in the next 1 1/2 years, but that's not the same as no time, and their relationship will not be defined by this single period. In fact, I imagine that if your DH can work fewer hours in his second career, he'll be in a even better position to spend time with his kids and develop those relationships than he does now.

On the money front, he's hoping to keep working for another 10-15 years. Given how you described your respective financial contributions, it seems like this would be wonderful for shoring up your retirement. What happens if he ends up completely burned out in five years and want to retire earlier because he can't bear to go into the office anymore? Switching careers seems like it could potentially be a very good move for you guys.

And then on his personal well-being, it sounds like he's pretty bored with his current career. Finding something new and intellectually engaging has been strongly correlated with increased health and vitality, and a longer life span. Assuming you like your husband, this seems like a pretty good deal, doesn't it?

Just my perspective. Of course, I'm a SAHM who has repeatedly told her somewhat professionally burned-out spouse that if he could just find the thing he loved and pursue it, I'd go back to work, sell the house, move to a less expensive area, etc. Because fulfillment matters.

Yes to your whole post but especially the bolded part. I feel bad for the posters who've been so quick to say he needs to suck it up, it's too late for him, etc. They don't know how much life they are missing out on.

[Anonymous]

Love your post
Signed
SAHM who went back to school in 40s, wants to go back again for MSN
Would do same for my DH if he wanted to pursue
Earn some $$ and let him have his turn
One life

Anonymous wrote:I do not know how many of you are actually in your 50’s, but something happens around that age. We all start to realize that we are squarely in the second half or last third of our working life. We starting thinking back to the “wind behind our sails” mentality that we had in college or just starting out. That we were going to change the world, have some impact or make a boatload of money. We often think of what we can do in the last 10-15 years to cement our professional legacy. What OP’s DH is feeling is totally natural. Some volunteer for non profit boards while others want to try to hit it big for a few years.

The people that are saying he should suck it up are wrong. Marriage is not a prison sentence. Selfish? This guy has carried the load and has brought in at least 90% of the income for years. He basically allowed himself to be the financial mule of the family. SAH can be tough at times, but it does not compare to having your entire family’s financial well being in your hands. OP is trying to pin this on the kid, but it is her that is insecure. She has this tidy little life and she fears that it will disrupted. His time and energy will not be focused on keeping her little box intact and that scares her as much as the money. I have seen it before. Also, most schools offer online degree programs for professionals. I am working on another degree and I have not set foot in a classroom in over a year. Everything is distance learning. And my kids are tickled pink and LOVE coming to my awards programs and such. They see me, even as a geezer, as someone who is trying to improve myself. My 2 oldest are in college and they say it motivates them.

But I will say this OP and all the other “you are too old, suck it up” wives out there. If OP does not at least attempt to make this work, that man is going to be leaving right after the kid pulls off for college. The resentment will be too much.

Signed,

A 53YO who went back to grad school with a kid in high school and is married to a DH who changed his career at 54.