Am i wrong for being angry DH wants to change careers?

[Anonymous]

Life is too short to waste it at a job you really hate.

[Anonymous]

NP here and have not read other replies.

Just want to say that I think he could try going to school at night--you set the rules in advance of what will be tolerable to you. Give yourselves a time limit and at that point, reassess.

I say this because I think if you go against him, it's going to ultimately negatively affect your marriage and in the end, you and your HS child won't get what you want anyways--which is his time, attention and affection. It will be replaced with resentment toward you, and if you divorce, then the HSer won't get much of dad, period.

So either way you are going to get less of him, but if you go with it, OP, you may find your way together.

I did this in two (albeit smaller ways) with my DH. The first was I am very much against running marathons (for health reasons, that's another topic). DH wanted to get into them. I decided I didn't want to hear about this when we were in our 80s, how but-for-me he would have run marathons. So we compromised, just one marathon. He did it, it's off his list, and I've never heard about him running one again.

The second was that we were living on the west coast and very settled in, great schools, friends, near my family, everything going well, and someone offers him a job out here in DC. It was very hard to support coming out here with him, uprooting the kids, etc--and it also took him off his usual career track--it's sort of a deviation, an investment if you will, and the $$ went down by 2/3. But I did it and we are much stronger for it; he gets that I did the leap-of-faith part for him and it bonded us even tighter. Funny thing is, now I like it out here.

So, in sum, not just for him, but also looking at it from the angle of what's best for you and your HSer, I think you should let him do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

You only get one life. Heaven is a fairy tale. So, it's criminal to waste that one life on a soul sucking job you hate if you have other options. Forcing someone else to waste their life to keep you comfortable is beyond criminal.

[Anonymous]

Dude's got a point though. Being smart & well connected will get you predictably comfortable. Lots of C students end up living in poverty, but a few of them are too dumb to fail -- they're like the Road Runner who can run through the air because he doesn't know about gravity. So, they get rich doing stuff the smart guy never would have risked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not know how many of you are actually in your 50’s, but something happens around that age. We all start to realize that we are squarely in the second half or last third of our working life. We starting thinking back to the “wind behind our sails” mentality that we had in college or just starting out. That we were going to change the world, have some impact or make a boatload of money. We often think of what we can do in the last 10-15 years to cement our professional legacy. What OP’s DH is feeling is totally natural. Some volunteer for non profit boards while others want to try to hit it big for a few years.

The people that are saying he should suck it up are wrong. Marriage is not a prison sentence. Selfish? This guy has carried the load and has brought in at least 90% of the income for years. He basically allowed himself to be the financial mule of the family. SAH can be tough at times, but it does not compare to having your entire family’s financial well being in your hands. OP is trying to pin this on the kid, but it is her that is insecure. She has this tidy little life and she fears that it will disrupted. His time and energy will not be focused on keeping her little box intact and that scares her as much as the money. I have seen it before. Also, most schools offer online degree programs for professionals. I am working on another degree and I have not set foot in a classroom in over a year. Everything is distance learning. And my kids are tickled pink and LOVE coming to my awards programs and such. They see me, even as a geezer, as someone who is trying to improve myself. My 2 oldest are in college and they say it motivates them.

But I will say this OP and all the other “you are too old, suck it up” wives out there. If OP does not at least attempt to make this work, that man is going to be leaving right after the kid pulls off for college. The resentment will be too much.

Signed,

A 53YO who went back to grad school with a kid in high school and is married to a DH who changed his career at 54.

I am 46 and studying for the GREs. Career change baby!