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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I've read everything said so far.

There is so much here, it is hard to know where to start, but the temptation you are facing right now is to withhold forgiveness from your wife.  Giving into that temptation will hurt your wife and your children...but it will also hurt you.  Revenge and resentment and rage hurt the perpetrator at least as much as the object of those feelings...and they take down innocent victims, too.

Look at your beautiful children.  They are completely innocent bystanders of all that is between you and your wife.  Wouldn't you take a bullet for them--step in front of a car for them?  Without hesitation, without thinking?  Well, you are being asked to do that right now, only the danger you are going to save them from is not physical, but emotional and psychological.

So turn back to your wife.  And for a moment, stop thinking of all the ways she let you down over the years--all the ways she has hurt you.  You have been wronged, yes.  I don't know your wife, so I cannot understand the reasons behind her hurtful actions and inactions.  But just for now, think of something else instead:

Can you think of some ways you have let her down over the years?  Big things, small things?  Can you think of times you hurt her?  Were not there for her?  Did not lift her up when she needed to be carried through a difficulty?  Do you have a little list?  Think harder.  Make your list longer.  Really examine your conscience.

Now consider doing something that will require a lot of strength, and a lot of humility.  Go to your wife when the kids are asleep, when everything is quiet.  Take her hands, or take her face in your hands.  Look into her eyes...the same eyes you gazed into when you swore a lifetime of fidelity, the same eyes that met yours after the births of your children.  Tell her you are sorry.  You are sorry for all the times you let her down.  You love her, you have always loved her, you will always love her, and you know you have not always been the man you needed her to be.

If she does not immediately respond by apologizing for her faults, for the offences she has committed against you, don't get angry.  She may be hesitant to trust you that much.  But saying those words, having that humility, will mean so much to her, if she loves you.  It may be enough to jolt her out of this rut of emotional back and forth you guys have created.

I have let my husband down in so many ways over the years.  It came to the point that I felt unworthy of his love.  He was good, I was bad.  He was stuck with me.  I could never undo the past, so we could never change the dynamic.  I wanted things to be perfect, because I knew he had forgiven me, but I could not believe I deserved happiness with him, so I never let myself go with him.  I could not believe that he honored me the way he would have if I had not let him down.

Then he did the scene I described.  He apologized for all the ways he had fallen short over the years.  He was sincere.  And by making himself vulnerable, and acknowledging that he was not the perfect one while I was the imperfect one, I was able to trust him, and he was able to let go of that anger that was always there.

Once you have that mutual forgiveness, that mutual respect, and are on the same footing, then you can revisit why things happened this way.  Was it emotional, physical, psychological?  Was she using birth control?  Did one or both of you get sterilized?  Those are serious questions.  A woman's fertility has a profound impact on her sexuality.  Don't leave any stone unturned.  You need to know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

I have not experienced these kinds of sexual issues in my marriage, but there is something behind your issues--the sex is the expression of them, not the sum.  Forgive.  If you are not strong enough, ask God for help.  I wish you well.[/quote]

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