MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

[Anonymous]

I think some of you must have pretty young kids. Because as they hit teendom, they will decide for themselves to a large extent how they are going to spend their time. They are likely going to want to spend time with the relatives who have shown an active interest in what they are interested in. And this will also end up naturally adjusting how you spend time with extended family.

In our case, that is neither my dad and his wife nor my in-laws. My aunt and uncle are the people who invested enormous amounts of time and energy with my kids. They are the ones they are excited to see. Because they have been willing to engage in toddler TV, Lego, Marvel Movies, manicures, shopping, Starbucks, etc. over the years. My aunt can recognize Kendra Scott necklaces now. We have a long standing joke about my daughter dying to meet Olaf and then melting down when she got to him so my uncle took the picture with Olaf alone. My aunt listens to Alex Warren because my daughter introduced her to his music. We have tons of shared experiences with them that can overcome teens dying to be on their phones. They meet my kids wherever they are in whatever phase of life they are in.

You don’t have to agonize over this. My husband has done A TON to effectuate time spent with his parents. I’ve never had to pick up the rope, because he is great at it. I care about my in-laws and my daughters love them. But truthfully, his parents want to come over, give them a hug and then talk to my husband about old people that live in their small town. My kids are loving and polite but quickly exit. It isn’t the amount of time that is really relevant here.

The real answer is to just let the complaints roll off your back. And decide whether you really want to effectuate a relationship that your husband doesn’t seem to care about. At some point, your kids will decide what relationship they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of my MIL being jealous of my parents, especially my mom.

Over the years I’ve genuinely tried to have a closer relationship with my MIL. But every time I do, it eventually becomes too much. She gets very possessive, pushy, or overly involved, and I end up having to pull back for my own sanity.

She’s actually like this with a lot of people. She tends to get very close to friends very quickly, and then people start distancing themselves. In the time I’ve known her, she’s lost quite a few friendships. My husband thinks this is probably why, she can just be a lot, even for him sometimes.

We do include my ILs. We invite them to things and spend time together when we can. But I’m also naturally close with my own mom, and I spend time with her in a way that feels comfortable and normal for me. By default, that means my kids spend time with her too.

For example, years ago when I had one child in kindergarten and a toddler at home, my mom would occasionally come spend the day with me. In the afternoon we’d go pick up my kindergartener from school, and then my mom would head home to see my dad (who was still working at the time). When my MIL found out about this, she immediately got jealous that she wasn’t the one going to school pickup. The ironic part is that when I *did* invite her to come along at times, she would either say she couldn’t make it or she’d show up too late and miss pickup entirely. To this day she has never attended a single pickup, not that it matters, but it illustrates the point.

At some point I learned it was easier not to mention things I do with my parents, especially my mom. But even then, my MIL tends to assume. She’ll act hurt or excluded over plans that she makes up in her head. If she gets the slightest hint that we’ve done something with my parents and the kids, she suddenly wants to level the playing field.

My husband isn’t particularly close with her. He doesn’t cater to her complaints and generally just does what he wants. She complains about that too, but it is what it is. And honestly, she doesn’t make it easy for me to go out of my way to plan things with her when her own son isn’t particularly motivated either.

What’s really getting to me lately is the constant complaining and passive-aggressive comments about my parents. She always manages to slip in some remark about them or about how she wishes she could do X, Y, or Z with us. And interestingly, she says these things to *me*, not to her son.

I’m just exhausted by it at this point. Short of blowing up at her or bluntly putting her in her place about the reality of the situation, what’s the best way to handle this? I feel like I’m carrying this relationship that I don’t even particularly enjoy.

Why are you not following your husband’s lead? It seems like he’s being very clear about how much of our relationship he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of my MIL being jealous of my parents, especially my mom.

Over the years I’ve genuinely tried to have a closer relationship with my MIL. But every time I do, it eventually becomes too much. She gets very possessive, pushy, or overly involved, and I end up having to pull back for my own sanity.

She’s actually like this with a lot of people. She tends to get very close to friends very quickly, and then people start distancing themselves. In the time I’ve known her, she’s lost quite a few friendships. My husband thinks this is probably why, she can just be a lot, even for him sometimes.

We do include my ILs. We invite them to things and spend time together when we can. But I’m also naturally close with my own mom, and I spend time with her in a way that feels comfortable and normal for me. By default, that means my kids spend time with her too.

For example, years ago when I had one child in kindergarten and a toddler at home, my mom would occasionally come spend the day with me. In the afternoon we’d go pick up my kindergartener from school, and then my mom would head home to see my dad (who was still working at the time). When my MIL found out about this, she immediately got jealous that she wasn’t the one going to school pickup. The ironic part is that when I *did* invite her to come along at times, she would either say she couldn’t make it or she’d show up too late and miss pickup entirely. To this day she has never attended a single pickup, not that it matters, but it illustrates the point.

At some point I learned it was easier not to mention things I do with my parents, especially my mom. But even then, my MIL tends to assume. She’ll act hurt or excluded over plans that she makes up in her head. If she gets the slightest hint that we’ve done something with my parents and the kids, she suddenly wants to level the playing field.

My husband isn’t particularly close with her. He doesn’t cater to her complaints and generally just does what he wants. She complains about that too, but it is what it is. And honestly, she doesn’t make it easy for me to go out of my way to plan things with her when her own son isn’t particularly motivated either.

What’s really getting to me lately is the constant complaining and passive-aggressive comments about my parents. She always manages to slip in some remark about them or about how she wishes she could do X, Y, or Z with us. And interestingly, she says these things to *me*, not to her son.

I’m just exhausted by it at this point. Short of blowing up at her or bluntly putting her in her place about the reality of the situation, what’s the best way to handle this? I feel like I’m carrying this relationship that I don’t even particularly enjoy.

What does "at times" mean? I'm all for doing what you want and your MIL can deal with it, but the way you wrote your post it's clear that you have disdain for her and she's reacting to that. You make it sound like you're giving them equal opportunities for access, but you're not. So at least own that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

Honestly, yes. This is the reality. "Boy" moms typically don't have the same access, which can be hard. I'm sure I'd be jealous and while I'd be sure to only complain to spouse, friends, or therapist (and not DS and spouse), it still would hurt. A little compassion extended may help mend things.

Would you also make excuses for why you can’t visit things you’re invited to, or show up late? What else am I supposed to do? Honestly? Most of the time I invite her, it’s ME inviting her, not my husband. Most of the time, he’s not even home. I’m doing all of the work and still getting all of the blame. It’s unfair.

It's hard to imagine that you have time for your own mom given how much whining you do.

Do you truly think you invite your MIL and your mom to the same amount of things? If so, then complain away. If not, then you're showing bias, which she's commenting on. If that's what you want to do, you deal with the fallout from it, I'm not sure what else to say to you. Either invite her and she doesn't show up (does that matter? does it impact your plans?) or admit that you don't want to invite her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family had more access than DH’s and it’s because his family is negative, critical, and unhelpful. His mother was amazing but she died when we were kids, I think if she had lived she’d have been just as involved as my family. FIL, SMIL, and the siblings enjoy sitting around discussing how superior they are to the rest of the world. Their way is the only way and they are rude. My family, if served cold pizza would was poetic about how it was the best pizza they’d ever had. They don’t criticize and they don’t interfere. SMIL blew her last shot at babysitting by disregarding DD’s food allergy instructions. When called on it she claimed we didn’t know we were doing because a cousin also had allergies and had different instructions.

It’s the behavior, not the gender. Both sides of my grandparents and greats were very welcome in my parents’ home because they all behaved well.

This is similar to my family dynamic. The in-laws are hypercritical of my background and family, so you know what? I have no relationship with them. It's up to DH to see them or not, invite them or not, create a relationship between them and the kids or not. I stay out of it. If they visit, they are his responsibility. That means rides, foods, entertainment, all of it. If they criticize me, my family, or my cultural heritage in any way, I leave the room or conversation. I won't tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family had more access than DH’s and it’s because his family is negative, critical, and unhelpful. His mother was amazing but she died when we were kids, I think if she had lived she’d have been just as involved as my family. FIL, SMIL, and the siblings enjoy sitting around discussing how superior they are to the rest of the world. Their way is the only way and they are rude. My family, if served cold pizza would was poetic about how it was the best pizza they’d ever had. They don’t criticize and they don’t interfere. SMIL blew her last shot at babysitting by disregarding DD’s food allergy instructions. When called on it she claimed we didn’t know we were doing because a cousin also had allergies and had different instructions.

It’s the behavior, not the gender. Both sides of my grandparents and greats were very welcome in my parents’ home because they all behaved well.

This is similar to my family dynamic. The in-laws are hypercritical of my background and family, so you know what? I have no relationship with them. It's up to DH to see them or not, invite them or not, create a relationship between them and the kids or not. I stay out of it. If they visit, they are his responsibility. That means rides, foods, entertainment, all of it. If they criticize me, my family, or my cultural heritage in any way, I leave the room or conversation. I won't tolerate it.

Gee, I wonder what they would criticize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family had more access than DH’s and it’s because his family is negative, critical, and unhelpful. His mother was amazing but she died when we were kids, I think if she had lived she’d have been just as involved as my family. FIL, SMIL, and the siblings enjoy sitting around discussing how superior they are to the rest of the world. Their way is the only way and they are rude. My family, if served cold pizza would was poetic about how it was the best pizza they’d ever had. They don’t criticize and they don’t interfere. SMIL blew her last shot at babysitting by disregarding DD’s food allergy instructions. When called on it she claimed we didn’t know we were doing because a cousin also had allergies and had different instructions.

It’s the behavior, not the gender. Both sides of my grandparents and greats were very welcome in my parents’ home because they all behaved well.

This is similar to my family dynamic. The in-laws are hypercritical of my background and family, so you know what? I have no relationship with them. It's up to DH to see them or not, invite them or not, create a relationship between them and the kids or not. I stay out of it. If they visit, they are his responsibility. That means rides, foods, entertainment, all of it. If they criticize me, my family, or my cultural heritage in any way, I leave the room or conversation. I won't tolerate it.

Gee, I wonder what they would criticize?

Are you saying it’s ok for a person to openly criticize another person, their family, their cultural heritage, etc, to their face?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family had more access than DH’s and it’s because his family is negative, critical, and unhelpful. His mother was amazing but she died when we were kids, I think if she had lived she’d have been just as involved as my family. FIL, SMIL, and the siblings enjoy sitting around discussing how superior they are to the rest of the world. Their way is the only way and they are rude. My family, if served cold pizza would was poetic about how it was the best pizza they’d ever had. They don’t criticize and they don’t interfere. SMIL blew her last shot at babysitting by disregarding DD’s food allergy instructions. When called on it she claimed we didn’t know we were doing because a cousin also had allergies and had different instructions.

It’s the behavior, not the gender. Both sides of my grandparents and greats were very welcome in my parents’ home because they all behaved well.

This is similar to my family dynamic. The in-laws are hypercritical of my background and family, so you know what? I have no relationship with them. It's up to DH to see them or not, invite them or not, create a relationship between them and the kids or not. I stay out of it. If they visit, they are his responsibility. That means rides, foods, entertainment, all of it. If they criticize me, my family, or my cultural heritage in any way, I leave the room or conversation. I won't tolerate it.

I was fortunate that DH saw things very clearly and it wasn’t even him about him supporting “me,” he was supporting our family from day one. He was actually the leader in setting very firm boundaries. When we got engaged his SM printed out a list of family names and contact info with birthday and anniversary dates and gave it to me. My then fiancé took it out of my hands immediately. We both have large families and especially the older generations in his are obsessed with cards. But of course the wife is responsible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

I found in my case that when I gave him the information and left the decision to him, we spent a lot less time with my mother-in-law. Or rather, we spent the amount of time he considered right.

You're missing the point, which is that if he wants the information, he has access to it. If he wants to invite his parents, he can. Why do you have to be the one to tell him about your child's performance? Some of you are apparently married to children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

The grandparents don't need to participate in every fart your kid has. Dial it back a notch.

It was one example. Insert whatever pleases you: first birthday party, championship game, violin recital, graduation, bris. Whatever. The truth stands that the woman never wins.

Play stupid games, earn stupid prizes. I'm serious - why are you trying to "win"? And at what?

I've always let my husband deal with his parent. I feel no guilt about that, they're his parents. When they tried to guilt me I made it clear to all of them that I was not involved and they could talk to their son. As a result, I suppose I "won" in that I didn't have to deal with them, but I wasn't looking to win, I was just looking to establish boundaries.

Who cares if someone blames you? Seriously, when my MIL complained about me not having dinner ready when they showed up unexpected on a work/school day one time I couldn't have cared less that she was upset because it was ridiculous. So stop trying to win whatever game it is you're playing. If you didn't do anything wrong, then don't be upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

Wrong. Each parent manages their own families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You nailed it perfectly.

Do you spend too much time on DCUM or otherwise take strangers' statements to heart? Who are you women who are so wound up in these traps that no one has set for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You nailed it perfectly.

Your first mistake was trying to fool everyone that the only communication about the show comes from a backpack note. Your husband isn't on the newsletter distribution or emails or the 100 other ways schools communicate. Your husband doesn't really care about any of this. The shows, the grandparent time, so you've taken it all on as a martyr.

Fine, I’ll fix it for you:

My husband has ignored all of the communication regarding his child’s spring show:

Now, do I remind him about the event and nudge him to invite his mom?

If I remind and nudge, I coddling

If I don’t remind and nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But if DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You're exhausting. But here are your answers, since you seem to need some serious help.

My husband has ignored all of the communication regarding his child’s spring show: Then you have a husband problem

Now, do I remind him about the event and nudge him to invite his mom? No, assuming he has the ability to read

If I remind and nudge, I coddling So don't

If I don’t remind and nudge, it’s excluding MIL HE is the one excluding his mother, not you

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job Invite her if YOU want to - no one is saying you can't

But if DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself Yeah, if your husband isn't reading school communications then he is a dud, can't help you there, but no, you shouldn't have invited her yourself unless you want her there

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job See above seriously, you are exhausting

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her Again, see above

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way! WHO IS BLAMING YOU?

I don't know how you even manage to make it through a day, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

So the Spring Show is also communicated through about 17 different emails from school. My DH sees those too. One of us puts it on the family calendar. We each decide on our own if it's something our parents would enjoy or not. Sometimes we invite, sometimes we don't. But I do not coddle my in-laws during these events, that's on my DH. So when they show up late and can't find parking, this is not my problem. If they are upset that they drove "all this way" and the event was short (and they showed up late) this is not my problem. I encourage him to make sure his parents understand that being late means they'll miss a good chunk of it and that will we be inside already (I would never carpool bc they will be late). If it's something bigger, I tell him that *I* will be upset if he misses it because he's outside helping his parent's park. That's not as common, but it's happened here or there. We talk about it in advance and make our family plans first, then he decides if he can deal with his parents. I do not deal with them beyond saying hello/goodbye and generally being polite.

Is this OP? In my opinion this is a perfect and generous response to difficult in-laws. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I'll put money on the fact that this was not written by OP because it is far too logical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

You do realize this is likely zero, right?

Whoosh