MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are easy to be with and help out get invited more often than people who don’t. If that means the mother is invited more often than the MIL, then so be it.

Bullshit.

[Anonymous]

You have to stop caring about her comments. That’s the only way. When she says something critical say “huh” or “I’ll ask DH about that” or whatever. Never ever explain or defend if she’s just making little jabs. Silence works too, let it just sit and then ask about the weather. But mostly: stop caring that’s she’s upset. It’s not reasonable, so stop going it life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

Hopefully they are boys.

Not all men are like this. My husband’s mom raised him right and he had always made sure his mom spends plenty of time with our kids. He’s the one that invites her to ball games, dance recitals, birthday parties, school concerts etc. Men need to step up here because wives aren’t putting up with this anymore bc we’ve got other stuff to do.

This. Stop with the “boy mom” excuses. My MIL is a “boy mom” to three wonderful adult men. She and FIL are very involved in the grandkids’ lives, as are their maternal grandparents. They are more in the day-to-day of our nephews’ lives because they’re 30 min away and we’re 5 hours away, but they have close relationships with their sons and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

Hopefully they are boys.

Not all men are like this. My husband’s mom raised him right and he had always made sure his mom spends plenty of time with our kids. He’s the one that invites her to ball games, dance recitals, birthday parties, school concerts etc. Men need to step up here because wives aren’t putting up with this anymore bc we’ve got other stuff to do.

This. Stop with the “boy mom” excuses. My MIL is a “boy mom” to three wonderful adult men. She and FIL are very involved in the grandkids’ lives, as are their maternal grandparents. They are more in the day-to-day of our nephews’ lives because they’re 30 min away and we’re 5 hours away, but they have close relationships with their sons and grandkids.

This, remember if you have a son, you are setting the example of how you should be treated later on. My MIL wasn't the best mom, she had my husband very young and did the best she could. I established a relationship independently, and she was very loving and kind to me. I did my best to include her in everything (till she no longer could and then I took care of her). I don't understand how you can marry someone and reject their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

No, it's both their job. Grandma is family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

No, it's both their job. Grandma is family.

Grandma doesn’t show up to things. Grandma doesn’t act like a family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

Why on earth would this be true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are easy to be with and help out get invited more often than people who don’t. If that means the mother is invited more often than the MIL, then so be it.

This. My uncle asked my dad for advice on how he’s created such a good grandparent bond (he’s the favorite grandparent by far of all his grandkids) and he told them the trick is to ALWAYS be the easy one.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

[Anonymous]

My ILs were unkind, dramatic, unreliable and complained about things I would do with my mother. I told DH he had to stop telling them about what was going on in my life because he was using it as filler in their weekly phone calls. My parents were the easy ones who accommodated our schedules and made an effort to see the kids when they lived hours away. The ILs don’t live local but I channel all communication with them to DH. Not my problem to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

Hopefully they are boys.

Not all men are like this. My husband’s mom raised him right and he had always made sure his mom spends plenty of time with our kids. He’s the one that invites her to ball games, dance recitals, birthday parties, school concerts etc. Men need to step up here because wives aren’t putting up with this anymore bc we’ve got other stuff to do.

This. Stop with the “boy mom” excuses. My MIL is a “boy mom” to three wonderful adult men. She and FIL are very involved in the grandkids’ lives, as are their maternal grandparents. They are more in the day-to-day of our nephews’ lives because they’re 30 min away and we’re 5 hours away, but they have close relationships with their sons and grandkids.

This, remember if you have a son, you are setting the example of how you should be treated later on. My MIL wasn't the best mom, she had my husband very young and did the best she could. I established a relationship independently, and she was very loving and kind to me. I did my best to include her in everything (till she no longer could and then I took care of her). I don't understand how you can marry someone and reject their family.

Sounds very different from OP’s experience doesn’t it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are easy to be with and help out get invited more often than people who don’t. If that means the mother is invited more often than the MIL, then so be it.

This is the truth.