MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You nailed it perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You nailed it perfectly.

Your first mistake was trying to fool everyone that the only communication about the show comes from a backpack note. Your husband isn't on the newsletter distribution or emails or the 100 other ways schools communicate. Your husband doesn't really care about any of this. The shows, the grandparent time, so you've taken it all on as a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP loves the attention and drama
Your in-laws know you don’t like them
Get over yourself
Let your husband manage his parents you do the same for yours.

But I thought she needs to step up and be more accommodating? So, which is it?

Relax

[Anonymous]

OP.. From what you describe, you are the gatekeeper of the grandchildren. Your husband seems to leave it in your hands. And your MIL sounds like a difficult person. It's an incredibly busy, stressful time of life and you're so lucky to have a supportive and helpful local mom.

Think about what you want long term.What do you want your family to look like? Do you want her at your children's milestone events, graduations, weddings? What sort of relationship do you want your children to have with her? Does have a positive or negative impact on the children?

You can't make her nicer and probably can't/shouldn't attempt to manage your husband's relationship with her. But you hold most of the power here and she knows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You nailed it perfectly.

Your first mistake was trying to fool everyone that the only communication about the show comes from a backpack note. Your husband isn't on the newsletter distribution or emails or the 100 other ways schools communicate. Your husband doesn't really care about any of this. The shows, the grandparent time, so you've taken it all on as a martyr.

Fine, I’ll fix it for you:

My husband has ignored all of the communication regarding his child’s spring show:

Now, do I remind him about the event and nudge him to invite his mom?

If I remind and nudge, I coddling

If I don’t remind and nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But if DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You nailed it perfectly.

Your first mistake was trying to fool everyone that the only communication about the show comes from a backpack note. Your husband isn't on the newsletter distribution or emails or the 100 other ways schools communicate. Your husband doesn't really care about any of this. The shows, the grandparent time, so you've taken it all on as a martyr.

Fine, I’ll fix it for you:

My husband has ignored all of the communication regarding his child’s spring show:

Now, do I remind him about the event and nudge him to invite his mom?

If I remind and nudge, I coddling

If I don’t remind and nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But if DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

You’re getting very close to identifying the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Continuing. Post cut off.

Decide what relationship you want your children to have with her and do your best to create it. Ignore, so much as you can, complaints and unpleasantness. Please don't share pictures, news about events where she wasn't included. That's just cruel to the sort of person described.

It's really all up to you. You can be the bigger person. You're justified if you aren't. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

So the Spring Show is also communicated through about 17 different emails from school. My DH sees those too. One of us puts it on the family calendar. We each decide on our own if it's something our parents would enjoy or not. Sometimes we invite, sometimes we don't. But I do not coddle my in-laws during these events, that's on my DH. So when they show up late and can't find parking, this is not my problem. If they are upset that they drove "all this way" and the event was short (and they showed up late) this is not my problem. I encourage him to make sure his parents understand that being late means they'll miss a good chunk of it and that will we be inside already (I would never carpool bc they will be late). If it's something bigger, I tell him that *I* will be upset if he misses it because he's outside helping his parent's park. That's not as common, but it's happened here or there. We talk about it in advance and make our family plans first, then he decides if he can deal with his parents. I do not deal with them beyond saying hello/goodbye and generally being polite.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry people aren't being very nice op.

I'd carve out special "grandma nights" where she can baby sit at your house or hers or your husband visits her with the kids or you go to a playground or swim park etc. places where you can be away from her conversation. Give her some special time. My MIL happily picked up my kid every Wednesday from daycare and it was a nice break from the pick up/drop off routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry people aren't being very nice op.

I'd carve out special "grandma nights" where she can baby sit at your house or hers or your husband visits her with the kids or you go to a playground or swim park etc. places where you can be away from her conversation. Give her some special time. My MIL happily picked up my kid every Wednesday from daycare and it was a nice break from the pick up/drop off routine.

It sounds like OP can’t trust this grandma to actually show up, so while that’s nice, the MIL has done this to herself. I wouldn’t want a flake in charge of picking my kid up from daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry people aren't being very nice op.

I'd carve out special "grandma nights" where she can baby sit at your house or hers or your husband visits her with the kids or you go to a playground or swim park etc. places where you can be away from her conversation. Give her some special time. My MIL happily picked up my kid every Wednesday from daycare and it was a nice break from the pick up/drop off routine.

It sounds like OP can’t trust this grandma to actually show up, so while that’s nice, the MIL has done this to herself. I wouldn’t want a flake in charge of picking my kid up from daycare.

She is invited to 'attend' pick up. How bizarre. just task her with a one day a week pickup and let her watch the kids for awhile after school. That way OP doesn't have to spend time with her but attending pickup together just sounds weird when they don't even like each other that much. I'm pretty sure MIL wants to see the kids more, not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry people aren't being very nice op.

I'd carve out special "grandma nights" where she can baby sit at your house or hers or your husband visits her with the kids or you go to a playground or swim park etc. places where you can be away from her conversation. Give her some special time. My MIL happily picked up my kid every Wednesday from daycare and it was a nice break from the pick up/drop off routine.

It sounds like OP can’t trust this grandma to actually show up, so while that’s nice, the MIL has done this to herself. I wouldn’t want a flake in charge of picking my kid up from daycare.

She is invited to 'attend' pick up. How bizarre. just task her with a one day a week pickup and let her watch the kids for awhile after school. That way OP doesn't have to spend time with her but attending pickup together just sounds weird when they don't even like each other that much. I'm pretty sure MIL wants to see the kids more, not OP.

You’re not getting it. The woman has routinely shown up to things late, or had excuses for why she couldn’t make it to things, according to the OP. Why would OP task her with pickup when she’s proved she’s a flake? She did that all on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry people aren't being very nice op.

I'd carve out special "grandma nights" where she can baby sit at your house or hers or your husband visits her with the kids or you go to a playground or swim park etc. places where you can be away from her conversation. Give her some special time. My MIL happily picked up my kid every Wednesday from daycare and it was a nice break from the pick up/drop off routine.

It sounds like OP can’t trust this grandma to actually show up, so while that’s nice, the MIL has done this to herself. I wouldn’t want a flake in charge of picking my kid up from daycare.

She is invited to 'attend' pick up. How bizarre. just task her with a one day a week pickup and let her watch the kids for awhile after school. That way OP doesn't have to spend time with her but attending pickup together just sounds weird when they don't even like each other that much. I'm pretty sure MIL wants to see the kids more, not OP.

You’re not getting it. The woman has routinely shown up to things late, or had excuses for why she couldn’t make it to things, according to the OP. Why would OP task her with pickup when she’s proved she’s a flake? She did that all on her own.

OP can speak to all that but coming to "attend" pick up late doesn't really matter b/c the kids were getting picked up anyway. Is she untrustworthy or not? That's a different question.