MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

So the Spring Show is also communicated through about 17 different emails from school. My DH sees those too. One of us puts it on the family calendar. We each decide on our own if it's something our parents would enjoy or not. Sometimes we invite, sometimes we don't. But I do not coddle my in-laws during these events, that's on my DH. So when they show up late and can't find parking, this is not my problem. If they are upset that they drove "all this way" and the event was short (and they showed up late) this is not my problem. I encourage him to make sure his parents understand that being late means they'll miss a good chunk of it and that will we be inside already (I would never carpool bc they will be late). If it's something bigger, I tell him that *I* will be upset if he misses it because he's outside helping his parent's park. That's not as common, but it's happened here or there. We talk about it in advance and make our family plans first, then he decides if he can deal with his parents. I do not deal with them beyond saying hello/goodbye and generally being polite.

Is this OP? In my opinion this is a perfect and generous response to difficult in-laws. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

You do realize this is likely zero, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

Nut job. Get therapy.


Op, I'm direct because I hate game playing. I'd tell her once that she is overly concerned about my parents and their relationship with my family and she needs to stop. I'd tell her the constant bean counting is not ok. After that every time she started, I would get off the phone, walk away etc. That will curtail the comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how much young women waste their mindspace in all these stupid things.

God! Grow up, OP! Who cares?

I love the superior Sally's who always talk like this stuff would never bother them when we all know it is complete bullsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

Wow! How am I being a nightmare?

Ignore these bitter mils. This woman shows up on every post about ils and no dil has ever done right by her ils. She sock puppets herself. She needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let those who live your kids live your kids and stop the one upping. My kids 15,13 and 9 are now sharing their dad with their grandmother who is slowly dying in Florida. They appreciate the time they had with her and are understanding of what happens when she starts to get frail. Love and compassion. Sharing may be needed.

Kindly, wtf does this have to do with OP's situtation

She wants a cookie because she's so wonderful. She needs to feel superior even though her mil probably wasn't a nut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how much young women waste their mindspace in all these stupid things.

God! Grow up, OP! Who cares?

I love the superior Sally's who always talk like this stuff would never bother them when we all know it is complete bullsh.

Superior Sally 🤣😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how much young women waste their mindspace in all these stupid things.

God! Grow up, OP! Who cares?

I love the superior Sally's who always talk like this stuff would never bother them when we all know it is complete bullsh.

I see my in-laws every few years and rarely communicate with them. It's very easy to not pick up the phone or text them. Maybe some of you should try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

You do realize this is likely zero, right?

Tell us about yourself prior poster because you have some serious issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

Exactly!

Hogwash particularly if those adults don't know how to be polite or considerate. You don't get to tell another adult what their job is. You need to work on your own f'd up families which is why you are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

This. OP sounds like a nightmare DIL who has popped out two kids and now wants to use that for her powerplay.

Hopefully they are boys.

Not all men are like this. My husband’s mom raised him right and he had always made sure his mom spends plenty of time with our kids. He’s the one that invites her to ball games, dance recitals, birthday parties, school concerts etc. Men need to step up here because wives aren’t putting up with this anymore bc we’ve got other stuff to do.

This. Stop with the “boy mom” excuses. My MIL is a “boy mom” to three wonderful adult men. She and FIL are very involved in the grandkids’ lives, as are their maternal grandparents. They are more in the day-to-day of our nephews’ lives because they’re 30 min away and we’re 5 hours away, but they have close relationships with their sons and grandkids.

This, remember if you have a son, you are setting the example of how you should be treated later on. My MIL wasn't the best mom, she had my husband very young and did the best she could. I established a relationship independently, and she was very loving and kind to me. I did my best to include her in everything (till she no longer could and then I took care of her). I don't understand how you can marry someone and reject their family.

This. It shouldn't be all on your husband. They are your family now too.

[Anonymous]

Lots of bitter MILs here. They choose to ignore OP’s description of her MIL always being late or not showing up when invites her. OP seems like a lovely busy mom. DH needs to step up and MIL needs to be more pleasant. Grandparents are not entitled to be included. OP has every right to spend as much time with her own mom as she likes.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread. Just enough to know that the OP doesn’t have a generous spirit and is kind of mean. And it’s obviously no surprise that the women of DCUM—notoriously nasty MIL haters—are happy to pile on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

Nut job. Get therapy.


Op, I'm direct because I hate game playing. I'd tell her once that she is overly concerned about my parents and their relationship with my family and she needs to stop. I'd tell her the constant bean counting is not ok. After that every time she started, I would get off the phone, walk away etc. That will curtail the comments.

Just be honest and you are unkind and she has no place in your life. The good part is your kids will see it and you will have no part in their life when it comes.