MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

No, it's both their job. Grandma is family.

Grandma doesn’t show up to things. Grandma doesn’t act like a family member.

You need to try harder then to show her that she's welcome. SHe probably senses animosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to stop caring about her comments. That’s the only way. When she says something critical say “huh” or “I’ll ask DH about that” or whatever. Never ever explain or defend if she’s just making little jabs. Silence works too, let it just sit and then ask about the weather. But mostly: stop caring that’s she’s upset. It’s not reasonable, so stop going it life.

Agreed. This isn’t your relationship to manage. It’s your husband’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a good point and you are not very kind to her. Just be honest, you don't want her in your life or seeing the kids and no more contact.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

I found in my case that when I gave him the information and left the decision to him, we spent a lot less time with my mother-in-law. Or rather, we spent the amount of time he considered right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are easy to be with and help out get invited more often than people who don’t. If that means the mother is invited more often than the MIL, then so be it.

This is pretty much it.
I have both sets of grandparents local.
Mom and MIL both helped with the kids when they were little. My mom can’t anymore because she is taking care of my father so I try to invite her out as much as possible. MIL is just a very cold and impossible to talk to person so I never invite her anywhere and I don’t think she’d want to do anything with just me. I leave it to my husband to invite her and she barely talks to him. Even the kids say she never talks or smiles. She acts like she’s in pain if you try to converse. There’s obviously some kind of spectrum thing going on but my husband tries to be scrupulously fair about grandkids time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

The grandparents don't need to participate in every fart your kid has. Dial it back a notch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

The grandparents don't need to participate in every fart your kid has. Dial it back a notch.

It was one example. Insert whatever pleases you: first birthday party, championship game, violin recital, graduation, bris. Whatever. The truth stands that the woman never wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

The grandparents don't need to participate in every fart your kid has. Dial it back a notch.

It was one example. Insert whatever pleases you: first birthday party, championship game, violin recital, graduation, bris. Whatever. The truth stands that the woman never wins.

If you choose to live that local to your family, that's the price you pay. You take the good with the bad. If you've set the expectation that they all have to come to everything then you've created a bad situation. The other parents are annoyed that the grandparents come and hog all the seats and make it hard for them to see their own kids perform because of all the grandparent phones in the air. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

The grandparents don't need to participate in every fart your kid has. Dial it back a notch.

It was one example. Insert whatever pleases you: first birthday party, championship game, violin recital, graduation, bris. Whatever. The truth stands that the woman never wins.

If you choose to live that local to your family, that's the price you pay. You take the good with the bad. If you've set the expectation that they all have to come to everything then you've created a bad situation. The other parents are annoyed that the grandparents come and hog all the seats and make it hard for them to see their own kids perform because of all the grandparent phones in the air. Just stop.

You’re right. Grandparents have no business attending birthday parties, graduations, or religious rites. Noted.

[Anonymous]

OP loves the attention and drama
Your in-laws know you don’t like them
Get over yourself
Let your husband manage his parents you do the same for yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

No, if DH doesn’t, it means he doesn’t want to invite his mom. It’s not nearly as deep as MIL’s tried to make it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP loves the attention and drama
Your in-laws know you don’t like them
Get over yourself
Let your husband manage his parents you do the same for yours.

But I thought she needs to step up and be more accommodating? So, which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it is YOUR job to make sure grandchild time is equal. Grandparents don’t have “rights”. I would not listen to her jabs about your parents. Call her out. “Lillian, why would you say something like that?” Is her snarky talk reserved for you only? I suspect you are too polite. Going forward, communicating with grandma is your husband’s job too. Next time you want to invite her to a kid event or dinner, insist that he do the asking/coordinating.

If he wants. I would say “DH it’s Larla’s spring show next Tuesday, if you want to invite your mom” and let him decide. Honestly a lot of these men seem well aware their moms are awful and that’s why they’re not the ones engaging, have respect for the views of the one who spent his whole childhood with this person. You don’t think she just now started making petty comments do you?

What kind of coddling does your husband need? He doesn't know when the show is? Needs to be told to invite is mommy?

So which is it? So many mixed messages in this post.

Let’s say I open my kid’s backpack and see the note informing us about the spring show.

Do I just… not tell my husband? No, of course I inform him.

Now, do I nudge him to invite his mom?

If I nudge, I coddling

If I don’t nudge, it’s excluding MIL

If I invite her myself, well, that’s DH’s job

But I’d DH doesn’t, then he is a dud and I should have just invited her myself

But if I do, that’s my DH’s job

And if I don’t, then I’m deliberately excluding her

The wife just can not win no matter what she does. She will be blamed either way!

The grandparents don't need to participate in every fart your kid has. Dial it back a notch.

It was one example. Insert whatever pleases you: first birthday party, championship game, violin recital, graduation, bris. Whatever. The truth stands that the woman never wins.

If you choose to live that local to your family, that's the price you pay. You take the good with the bad. If you've set the expectation that they all have to come to everything then you've created a bad situation. The other parents are annoyed that the grandparents come and hog all the seats and make it hard for them to see their own kids perform because of all the grandparent phones in the air. Just stop.

You’re right. Grandparents have no business attending birthday parties, graduations, or religious rites. Noted.

Well if they have the right then what's the problem? Invite them. You have to pick a side. If you're on the side that they need to attend everything then you have to follow through.