MIL keeps competing with my mom for time with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

Exactly!

Hogwash particularly if those adults don't know how to be polite or considerate. You don't get to tell another adult what their job is. You need to work on your own f'd up families which is why you are here.

Op is unkind and not including her. She had the right to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of bitter MILs here. They choose to ignore OP’s description of her MIL always being late or not showing up when invites her. OP seems like a lovely busy mom. DH needs to step up and MIL needs to be more pleasant. Grandparents are not entitled to be included. OP has every right to spend as much time with her own mom as she likes.

Can you read? Multiple people are telling her to drop the rope. OP doesn't seem lovely she seems like a stupid glutton for punishment.

[Anonymous]

If nothing is good enough, then nothing is what she gets. She can take up all her complaints with the son she raised. Time to drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

You clearly discounted everything op posted.

No, adults aren't consumed with what is "fair". Her mil isn't concerned with what is fair. That isn't her issue at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to make it fair. Grandparent time with the Grandkids, fair. Relatively equal. See your own Mother more often if you like, separately. Too bad if it's not ideally convenient for you.

No she doesn't. It's her husband’s job to facilitate grandparent time for his parents. She should direct them to him.

It's actually both parents responsibility, just like everything else involving the kids.

If it is a shared responsibility, OP should do exactly as much to facilitate her in-laws relationship with her children as her husband does to facilitate her parents relationship with her children.

Exactly!

Hogwash particularly if those adults don't know how to be polite or considerate. You don't get to tell another adult what their job is. You need to work on your own f'd up families which is why you are here.

Op is unkind and not including her. She had the right to be upset.

Her mil wants to complain. When mil doesn't try to be present when she is invited, it tells us all everything we need to know. You keep pretending and continue condescending to women who write about their family issues. You never believe other women unless it is an inappropriate, rude mil.

[Anonymous]

I have this type of relationship with my OWN mom, and MIL is the one who comes to hang out with the little kids and me, or tags along for afternoon sports drop offs. My mom is a lot more rigid in terms of her schedule, and she and my dad take frequent vacations. When she has come over in the past, I felt like I was hosting her and couldn’t relax, whereas MIL just fits into our daily life.

My mom isn’t a dud of a grandma — she babysits when she can, and she’s interested in the kids’ lives. I have just accepted that the time we spend together is going to be more brief and formal, and that her relationship with my kids will match that energy.

OP- continue to include her when it makes sense, but don’t make it harder on yourself to try and change the nature of the relationship. Tune out the complaints, or put the ball in her court to come up with a specific plan if she complains about not doing XYZ like your mom does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of my MIL being jealous of my parents, especially my mom.

Over the years I’ve genuinely tried to have a closer relationship with my MIL. But every time I do, it eventually becomes too much. She gets very possessive, pushy, or overly involved, and I end up having to pull back for my own sanity.

She’s actually like this with a lot of people. She tends to get very close to friends very quickly, and then people start distancing themselves. In the time I’ve known her, she’s lost quite a few friendships. My husband thinks this is probably why, she can just be a lot, even for him sometimes.

We do include my ILs. We invite them to things and spend time together when we can. But I’m also naturally close with my own mom, and I spend time with her in a way that feels comfortable and normal for me. By default, that means my kids spend time with her too.

For example, years ago when I had one child in kindergarten and a toddler at home, my mom would occasionally come spend the day with me. In the afternoon we’d go pick up my kindergartener from school, and then my mom would head home to see my dad (who was still working at the time). When my MIL found out about this, she immediately got jealous that she wasn’t the one going to school pickup. The ironic part is that when I *did* invite her to come along at times, she would either say she couldn’t make it or she’d show up too late and miss pickup entirely. To this day she has never attended a single pickup, not that it matters, but it illustrates the point.

At some point I learned it was easier not to mention things I do with my parents, especially my mom. But even then, my MIL tends to assume. She’ll act hurt or excluded over plans that she makes up in her head. If she gets the slightest hint that we’ve done something with my parents and the kids, she suddenly wants to level the playing field.

My husband isn’t particularly close with her. He doesn’t cater to her complaints and generally just does what he wants. She complains about that too, but it is what it is. And honestly, she doesn’t make it easy for me to go out of my way to plan things with her when her own son isn’t particularly motivated either.

What’s really getting to me lately is the constant complaining and passive-aggressive comments about my parents. She always manages to slip in some remark about them or about how she wishes she could do X, Y, or Z with us. And interestingly, she says these things to *me*, not to her son.

I’m just exhausted by it at this point. Short of blowing up at her or bluntly putting her in her place about the reality of the situation, what’s the best way to handle this? I feel like I’m carrying this relationship that I don’t even particularly enjoy.

You've basically said that you spend more time with your own parents and so do your kids. What is MIL supposed to do? She has tried to ask you and now she "wishes that she could do X, Y or Z" with you. Your response is to complain to DCUM.

However, I am your mom in the story. I work very hard to provide support to my DD and her family. I travel once every three months to spend time with my grandkids (and their parents!) and while there, cook, clean up, fold laundry, watch the kids so they can go out to dinner, etc. I came out for several weeks when each was born to help out. I stayed with their kids for several days when they had to fly to a new city to house hunt. We pay for them to go on vacation with us, and provide other financial support to make sure they can afford kids. My SIL's mom has started pressuring them to fly to visit them "as much as you see your in-laws." They are obtuse about young couples and their financial situation, and they have the money, good health and time to fly TO their kids. My SIL responded, "when you start visiting as much as they do, we'll consider it." It's not a competition and I wish they would have a better relationship, but they need to put in the effort. If that is the case with your MIL, be straight with her. But it really sounds like you are happy not to see her and are looking for an excuse to cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of bitter MILs here. They choose to ignore OP’s description of her MIL always being late or not showing up when invites her. OP seems like a lovely busy mom. DH needs to step up and MIL needs to be more pleasant. Grandparents are not entitled to be included. OP has every right to spend as much time with her own mom as she likes.

Can you read? Multiple people are telling her to drop the rope. OP doesn't seem lovely she seems like a stupid glutton for punishment.

Let us know when your own grandchild is born; 25% you. Guaranteed, you will feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of bitter MILs here. They choose to ignore OP’s description of her MIL always being late or not showing up when invites her. OP seems like a lovely busy mom. DH needs to step up and MIL needs to be more pleasant. Grandparents are not entitled to be included. OP has every right to spend as much time with her own mom as she likes.

Can you read? Multiple people are telling her to drop the rope. OP doesn't seem lovely she seems like a stupid glutton for punishment.

Let us know when your own grandchild is born; 25% you. Guaranteed, you will feel differently.

What are you talking about? 25% me? I don't own those kids. I have a daughter and 2 sons I fully expect I will have different relationships with my daughter and her family compared to my sons. That's how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of my MIL being jealous of my parents, especially my mom.

Over the years I’ve genuinely tried to have a closer relationship with my MIL. But every time I do, it eventually becomes too much. She gets very possessive, pushy, or overly involved, and I end up having to pull back for my own sanity.

She’s actually like this with a lot of people. She tends to get very close to friends very quickly, and then people start distancing themselves. In the time I’ve known her, she’s lost quite a few friendships. My husband thinks this is probably why, she can just be a lot, even for him sometimes.

We do include my ILs. We invite them to things and spend time together when we can. But I’m also naturally close with my own mom, and I spend time with her in a way that feels comfortable and normal for me. By default, that means my kids spend time with her too.

For example, years ago when I had one child in kindergarten and a toddler at home, my mom would occasionally come spend the day with me. In the afternoon we’d go pick up my kindergartener from school, and then my mom would head home to see my dad (who was still working at the time). When my MIL found out about this, she immediately got jealous that she wasn’t the one going to school pickup. The ironic part is that when I *did* invite her to come along at times, she would either say she couldn’t make it or she’d show up too late and miss pickup entirely. To this day she has never attended a single pickup, not that it matters, but it illustrates the point.

At some point I learned it was easier not to mention things I do with my parents, especially my mom. But even then, my MIL tends to assume. She’ll act hurt or excluded over plans that she makes up in her head. If she gets the slightest hint that we’ve done something with my parents and the kids, she suddenly wants to level the playing field.

My husband isn’t particularly close with her. He doesn’t cater to her complaints and generally just does what he wants. She complains about that too, but it is what it is. And honestly, she doesn’t make it easy for me to go out of my way to plan things with her when her own son isn’t particularly motivated either.

What’s really getting to me lately is the constant complaining and passive-aggressive comments about my parents. She always manages to slip in some remark about them or about how she wishes she could do X, Y, or Z with us. And interestingly, she says these things to *me*, not to her son.

I’m just exhausted by it at this point. Short of blowing up at her or bluntly putting her in her place about the reality of the situation, what’s the best way to handle this? I feel like I’m carrying this relationship that I don’t even particularly enjoy.

You've basically said that you spend more time with your own parents and so do your kids. What is MIL supposed to do? She has tried to ask you and now she "wishes that she could do X, Y or Z" with you. Your response is to complain to DCUM.

However, I am your mom in the story. I work very hard to provide support to my DD and her family. I travel once every three months to spend time with my grandkids (and their parents!) and while there, cook, clean up, fold laundry, watch the kids so they can go out to dinner, etc. I came out for several weeks when each was born to help out. I stayed with their kids for several days when they had to fly to a new city to house hunt. We pay for them to go on vacation with us, and provide other financial support to make sure they can afford kids. My SIL's mom has started pressuring them to fly to visit them "as much as you see your in-laws." They are obtuse about young couples and their financial situation, and they have the money, good health and time to fly TO their kids. My SIL responded, "when you start visiting as much as they do, we'll consider it." It's not a competition and I wish they would have a better relationship, but they need to put in the effort. If that is the case with your MIL, be straight with her. But it really sounds like you are happy not to see her and are looking for an excuse to cut her off.

Maybe here are health issues or something else you/they don't know about. You are basically buying the kids love and affection and controlling them with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of bitter MILs here. They choose to ignore OP’s description of her MIL always being late or not showing up when invites her. OP seems like a lovely busy mom. DH needs to step up and MIL needs to be more pleasant. Grandparents are not entitled to be included. OP has every right to spend as much time with her own mom as she likes.

Can you read? Multiple people are telling her to drop the rope. OP doesn't seem lovely she seems like a stupid glutton for punishment.

Let us know when your own grandchild is born; 25% you. Guaranteed, you will feel differently.

What are you talking about? 25% me? I don't own those kids. I have a daughter and 2 sons I fully expect I will have different relationships with my daughter and her family compared to my sons. That's how it works.

No, it's not how it works. I had a great relationship with my MIL because we both made the effort. Your DIL will see you treat her differently than your daughters, which makes a huge issue in the relationship. You are the problem, not them.

[Anonymous]

My family had more access than DH’s and it’s because his family is negative, critical, and unhelpful. His mother was amazing but she died when we were kids, I think if she had lived she’d have been just as involved as my family. FIL, SMIL, and the siblings enjoy sitting around discussing how superior they are to the rest of the world. Their way is the only way and they are rude. My family, if served cold pizza would was poetic about how it was the best pizza they’d ever had. They don’t criticize and they don’t interfere. SMIL blew her last shot at babysitting by disregarding DD’s food allergy instructions. When called on it she claimed we didn’t know we were doing because a cousin also had allergies and had different instructions.

It’s the behavior, not the gender. Both sides of my grandparents and greats were very welcome in my parents’ home because they all behaved well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of bitter MILs here. They choose to ignore OP’s description of her MIL always being late or not showing up when invites her. OP seems like a lovely busy mom. DH needs to step up and MIL needs to be more pleasant. Grandparents are not entitled to be included. OP has every right to spend as much time with her own mom as she likes.

Can you read? Multiple people are telling her to drop the rope. OP doesn't seem lovely she seems like a stupid glutton for punishment.

Let us know when your own grandchild is born; 25% you. Guaranteed, you will feel differently.

What are you talking about? 25% me? I don't own those kids. I have a daughter and 2 sons I fully expect I will have different relationships with my daughter and her family compared to my sons. That's how it works.

No, it's not how it works. I had a great relationship with my MIL because we both made the effort. Your DIL will see you treat her differently than your daughters, which makes a huge issue in the relationship. You are the problem, not them.

Ok, well I don't make much effort with my MIL because I don't want to and we have nothing in common. Sometimes that too is just how it goes and her son doesn't make much effort either. I was close with my mom until he died as were all my kids. The only one with a problem here seems to be you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this. Let your MIL whine all she wants.

[Anonymous]

I have the same issue with my MIL. I’m realy close to my mom and she’s over all the time. She picks up my kids from school some days instead of having them stay for aftercare, takes them to extracurricular activities, babysits for extended periods, etc. MIL gets to spend holidays, birthdays, large events, and occasional weekends with the kids, more than what many grandparents get, but that doesn’t seem to be enough.