Genuinely don’t understand why people get worked up about weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

Well it IS telling what they prioritize, admit it. Either you prioritize family events or don't.

I thought we had agreed that a wedding to which your children aren’t inviting isn’t a family event?

family is more than your kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get exercised about it, but I truly do not understand people who think weddings should be restricted to adults. Every wedding I've been to, my friends' weddings, my side of the family, or my husband's side, has been very child-friendly. My family is white European, my husband's family is East Asian. We all believe weddings are multi-generational occasions, and that they are, in fact, an elevated form of family reunion (the union of two families, babies to great-grandparents). Weddings have occurred in Europe, East Asia and the Americas.

It's only here on DCUM that I've learned some proportion of people (mostly caucasian American, I'm guessing) defend adult-only weddings. But since it hasn't affected me personally, I haven't had the opportunity to get annoyed about it. I have fond memories of my 2 year old dancing on the dance floor in the wee hours and then sleeping soundly on two chairs. And of my small nephews laughing at the horse's poo at my wedding: we had a horse-drawn carriage rides to my family castle. Fun times.

The bride and her family (most of whom flew to the states from her home country) at the last wedding I went to were Lebanese Americans. No kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get exercised about it, but I truly do not understand people who think weddings should be restricted to adults. Every wedding I've been to, my friends' weddings, my side of the family, or my husband's side, has been very child-friendly. My family is white European, my husband's family is East Asian. We all believe weddings are multi-generational occasions, and that they are, in fact, an elevated form of family reunion (the union of two families, babies to great-grandparents). Weddings have occurred in Europe, East Asia and the Americas.

It's only here on DCUM that I've learned some proportion of people (mostly caucasian American, I'm guessing) defend adult-only weddings. But since it hasn't affected me personally, I haven't had the opportunity to get annoyed about it. I have fond memories of my 2 year old dancing on the dance floor in the wee hours and then sleeping soundly on two chairs. And of my small nephews laughing at the horse's poo at my wedding: we had a horse-drawn carriage rides to my family castle. Fun times.

Weddings here used to be mostly like this (I'm sure there have always been Gilded Age children-free weddings), and then the "wedding industry" spread the princess dream. The fact that many people aren't very religious anymore and don't really understand what weddings were about has also contributed to these new norms.

It’s completely possible to have an elegant, adults “only” (excepting nursing babies) affair and still invite children, you just have to put a little time and resources behind it. I mentioned above it cost $2000 or so in my wedding, I had a cousin with an all-out, six figure wedding and mu daughter (three at the time) still talks about it— kids took pictures with the bride and groom, had activities in the hotel during the ceremony, had a kid friendly dinner in a separate space, were invited to the reception for one dance, and then were off to movies. Hotel staff brought them wedding cake, and the kids decorated the door to the bridal suite. That probably ran $5000 but in a six figure wedding who noticed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the no kids thing if the family are heavy drinkers.

Yes, a hundred people drinking too much, at a reception that starts at 8pm ...

With some crowds, it's not going to be the best for kids. The opposite of how that PP was saying that people want to look "elegant," lol -- more like the opposite, they are concerned it will be anything but. My sibling told my mother that she was only invited to the wedding if she promised not to drink. She promised. And drank. And it was a disaster. Not family friendly.

You’ve obviously never been to a Latin wedding. Didn’t you watch the Bad Bunny halftime show?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The two weddings (out of many) that I was invited to that were mandated kid free had kids- but only those selected by the bride.
Wedding 1- DHs cousin got married out of state and said no kids. I had a 1 year old and DH was deployed- I lived across the country and had no family to help. I declined and still sent a gift- bride was mad and stopped talking to me. Turns out there were kids at the wedding that were her nieces and nephews but those were the only ones allowed there. I was expected to travel across the US and leave my 1 yr old home.

2. Second wedding was DHs cousin’s wedding on his other side of the family. Destination wedding that we had to drive out of state again and brought our 3yr old since it was an entire weekend and road trip. We were told no kids so I spent the entire event in a dingy motel room with my child on a pull out couch while my ILs partied it up and got mad at DH when he wanted to leave early to come relieve me. The bride had 3 children that were my child’s age and they were at the wedding. No other kids allowed. Even knowing I was onsite at the venue with my kid- she/we were still not welcome.

For my wedding I did not specify kid free- I had family coming from out of town and had nephews I wanted there. I did hire my SILs babysitter to come to the wedding to watch my 4 month old nephew and SIL would not put him down despite asking that I pay her sitter to come.

Obviously I am no longer in contact with any of that family as their toxic behavior continued over 20 yrs.

Surely you realize there's a difference between the bride's own children and the groom's cousin's kid. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Once upon a time, people married within their clans and followed the cultural norms for that clan. As long as you followed the rules, no one had any reason to be mad (obviously unreasonable anger has always been with us)

Then people started branching out and weddings required more negotiation, and people who didn't grow up with things a certain way were shocked and dismayed that certain things were being done or not done. And the bride and groom were dismayed and shocked that people were being so difficult.

Now it's clear that there are no universal rules, and all sorts of people are disappointed in other people, and everyone is sure their way is the best way. Have all the thoughts you want, folks, but play the hand you're dealt and don't complain.

Not about the location, the guest list, the location, the ceremony, the schedule, the menu, the beverages, the entertainment, the presents, none of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the no kids thing if the family are heavy drinkers.

Yes, a hundred people drinking too much, at a reception that starts at 8pm ...

With some crowds, it's not going to be the best for kids. The opposite of how that PP was saying that people want to look "elegant," lol -- more like the opposite, they are concerned it will be anything but. My sibling told my mother that she was only invited to the wedding if she promised not to drink. She promised. And drank. And it was a disaster. Not family friendly.

You’ve obviously never been to a Latin wedding. Didn’t you watch the Bad Bunny halftime show?

People are unhinged enough about weddings without you dragging Benito in here

[Anonymous]

People who get most upset are people pleasers or hijackers/busybodies.

For people pleasers

1. It feels like an obligation and they feel guilty saying no.
2. It can be expensive and time consuming, saying yes to the wedding means saying no to something else.
3. PP often were raised by pushy, hijackers. They will get pounced on some relative looking to make it a family meet up.

For hijackers/busybodies
1. Any event becomes about them. They want their side showing up. They want to be in charge of organizing and controlling their side.
2. They turn it into a family reunion. They want to show off their grand kids. They want their cousins there.
3. They feel a wedding or any event should be the way they would do it.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what's going on at a Latin wedding? That said, someone posted it well that weddings have become parties as compared to joining the families. You don't invite kids to a party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

Well it IS telling what they prioritize, admit it. Either you prioritize family events or don't.

I thought we had agreed that a wedding to which your children aren’t inviting isn’t a family event?

family is more than your kids!

A “family event” which doesn’t include my whole family isn’t going to be prioritized over one that does. I would absolutely and unapologetically choose a family vacation over attendance at a wedding my kids couldn’t go to. I think that reflects appropriate parenting. You want to tell the kids that they don’t get a vacation this year because mommy and daddy went to cousin Mary’s wedding in Vegas and they weren’t invited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once upon a time, people married within their clans and followed the cultural norms for that clan. As long as you followed the rules, no one had any reason to be mad (obviously unreasonable anger has always been with us)

Then people started branching out and weddings required more negotiation, and people who didn't grow up with things a certain way were shocked and dismayed that certain things were being done or not done. And the bride and groom were dismayed and shocked that people were being so difficult.

Now it's clear that there are no universal rules, and all sorts of people are disappointed in other people, and everyone is sure their way is the best way. Have all the thoughts you want, folks, but play the hand you're dealt and don't complain.

Not about the location, the guest list, the location, the ceremony, the schedule, the menu, the beverages, the entertainment, the presents, none of it.

I think this is a big part of it, it is culture clash. Even among people of the same race, there can be gaps in class, religion, or other differences that cause problems. People get upset of it isn’t their families way.

[Anonymous]

I had a limited kids wedding and it was due to space and money. $30 chicken fingers adds up and I wanted to invite more adult friends and family than other people's kids.
We got married in our 30s and everyone had 2-3 kids by then. All the family and friends that enjoyed their weddings a decade earlier with limited kids in tow, now want everyone to accommodate them by dictating the bride and groom either pay the expensive frivolous expense or limit their preferred guests to accommodate their children. NO your 5 year doesn't LOVE weddings and will just be emotionally destroyed if they don't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a limited kids wedding and it was due to space and money. $30 chicken fingers adds up and I wanted to invite more adult friends and family than other people's kids.
We got married in our 30s and everyone had 2-3 kids by then. All the family and friends that enjoyed their weddings a decade earlier with limited kids in tow, now want everyone to accommodate them by dictating the bride and groom either pay the expensive frivolous expense or limit their preferred guests to accommodate their children. NO your 5 year doesn't LOVE weddings and will just be emotionally destroyed if they don't come.

This may be unique to your group of friends. I was married at 25, and I still had kid accommodations for my cousin‘s children etc. I don’t think $2000 is more frivolous for the bride and groom to spend than $200 minimum per family for childcare. Plus, the children get to hang out together and have fun. As long as you don’t resent anyone who declines your invitation, though, I don’t think there’s a wrong answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

Well it IS telling what they prioritize, admit it. Either you prioritize family events or don't.

I thought we had agreed that a wedding to which your children aren’t inviting isn’t a family event?

family is more than your kids!

A “family event” which doesn’t include my whole family isn’t going to be prioritized over one that does. I would absolutely and unapologetically choose a family vacation over attendance at a wedding my kids couldn’t go to. I think that reflects appropriate parenting. You want to tell the kids that they don’t get a vacation this year because mommy and daddy went to cousin Mary’s wedding in Vegas and they weren’t invited?

+1, people absolutely have the right to plan the wedding of their choosing, but they don’t have the right to expect that I would prioritize their wedding over a vacation with my nuclear family. If money and leave are limited, people will choose their nuclear family vacation every time, as it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

Well it IS telling what they prioritize, admit it. Either you prioritize family events or don't.

I thought we had agreed that a wedding to which your children aren’t inviting isn’t a family event?

family is more than your kids!

You really can’t claim on one hand a wedding is a family event no one should miss because family, while also specifically excluding members of the family based on their age. Kid free weddings don’t bother me, but come on you can’t be mad at people that skip the wedding because their young kids weren’t invited in the name of “but it’s a family event and you should make the effort to be there”.