Genuinely don’t understand why people get worked up about weddings

[Anonymous]

The two weddings (out of many) that I was invited to that were mandated kid free had kids- but only those selected by the bride.
Wedding 1- DHs cousin got married out of state and said no kids. I had a 1 year old and DH was deployed- I lived across the country and had no family to help. I declined and still sent a gift- bride was mad and stopped talking to me. Turns out there were kids at the wedding that were her nieces and nephews but those were the only ones allowed there. I was expected to travel across the US and leave my 1 yr old home.

2. Second wedding was DHs cousin’s wedding on his other side of the family. Destination wedding that we had to drive out of state again and brought our 3yr old since it was an entire weekend and road trip. We were told no kids so I spent the entire event in a dingy motel room with my child on a pull out couch while my ILs partied it up and got mad at DH when he wanted to leave early to come relieve me. The bride had 3 children that were my child’s age and they were at the wedding. No other kids allowed. Even knowing I was onsite at the venue with my kid- she/we were still not welcome.

For my wedding I did not specify kid free- I had family coming from out of town and had nephews I wanted there. I did hire my SILs babysitter to come to the wedding to watch my 4 month old nephew and SIL would not put him down despite asking that I pay her sitter to come.

Obviously I am no longer in contact with any of that family as their toxic behavior continued over 20 yrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me neither. It's just a party, often with mediocre food.

I would not go to an American WASP wedding. Yes to every other culture's wedding.

Indian weddings are the best. Everyone and their grandmother is invited. Back in my parents’ day the invitations would say “please bring your family and friends”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The two weddings (out of many) that I was invited to that were mandated kid free had kids- but only those selected by the bride.
Wedding 1- DHs cousin got married out of state and said no kids. I had a 1 year old and DH was deployed- I lived across the country and had no family to help. I declined and still sent a gift- bride was mad and stopped talking to me. Turns out there were kids at the wedding that were her nieces and nephews but those were the only ones allowed there. I was expected to travel across the US and leave my 1 yr old home.

2. Second wedding was DHs cousin’s wedding on his other side of the family. Destination wedding that we had to drive out of state again and brought our 3yr old since it was an entire weekend and road trip. We were told no kids so I spent the entire event in a dingy motel room with my child on a pull out couch while my ILs partied it up and got mad at DH when he wanted to leave early to come relieve me. The bride had 3 children that were my child’s age and they were at the wedding. No other kids allowed. Even knowing I was onsite at the venue with my kid- she/we were still not welcome.

For my wedding I did not specify kid free- I had family coming from out of town and had nephews I wanted there. I did hire my SILs babysitter to come to the wedding to watch my 4 month old nephew and SIL would not put him down despite asking that I pay her sitter to come.

Obviously I am no longer in contact with any of that family as their toxic behavior continued over 20 yrs.

I mean it's perfectly legit that kids of immediate family members are included (nieces and nephews) while kids of extended family or friends are not. The numbers can add up quickly, especially if you get married on the older side. I have a lot of first cousins and most have kids at this point- no one expects that their kids will be included in all wedding invites. It's been a mix of all kids / no kids / immediate nieces and nephews only. NBD. I'm sorry your DH's cousin stopped talking to you though- do they still talk to your DH or was he cut off too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

Well it IS telling what they prioritize, admit it. Either you prioritize family events or don't.

[Anonymous]

I think the removal of the kids also make room in the budget for adults who actually care and will remember the event. The weddings cost an astronomical amount of money just for the catering it’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s because weddings are now typically a weekend long. When my parents went to evening weddings without us, it was an evening— they’d leave around 4 and be home by midnight.

Now theres “out of town” dinner and departure brunch and the wedding venue is 2.5 hours driving. Of course people resent the ask to get three days of childcare, it’s nothing like a trip to the dentist.

If couples are good with a no, I have no concerns. When they start complaining about the no (or expecting gifts) then it’s extremely tacky. Invitations are not summonses or invoices.

Did you know you can just come to the portion or portions of the festivities that you want to attend? The More You Know!

I understand no one is upset if I simply decline though?

Um, yes. But you’re clearly still pissy that other people dare to have events that seem over-the-top to you. Really, people “resent” wedding invitations? How very odd. When a wedding doesn’t work for me for some reason, I decline, send a gift, and wish the couple well. But you “resent” people. OK!

You’re responding to two separate posters. I’m who you’re quoting and I have had nothing to say about over the top-ness of weddings.

On the other hand, there’s someone saying they resent people going on family vacations if they declined their wedding invite.

Well it IS telling what they prioritize, admit it. Either you prioritize family events or don't.

I thought we had agreed that a wedding to which your children aren’t inviting isn’t a family event?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the removal of the kids also make room in the budget for adults who actually care and will remember the event. The weddings cost an astronomical amount of money just for the catering it’s ridiculous.

I’m a DP, and including on-site childcare/children activities cost about $2000 for my wedding. In the grand scheme of the budget, negligible. On the other hand if each family had to provide their own childcare, it would’ve been way more than $2000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get exercised about it, but I truly do not understand people who think weddings should be restricted to adults. Every wedding I've been to, my friends' weddings, my side of the family, or my husband's side, has been very child-friendly. My family is white European, my husband's family is East Asian. We all believe weddings are multi-generational occasions, and that they are, in fact, an elevated form of family reunion (the union of two families, babies to great-grandparents). Weddings have occurred in Europe, East Asia and the Americas.

It's only here on DCUM that I've learned some proportion of people (mostly caucasian American, I'm guessing) defend adult-only weddings. But since it hasn't affected me personally, I haven't had the opportunity to get annoyed about it. I have fond memories of my 2 year old dancing on the dance floor in the wee hours and then sleeping soundly on two chairs. And of my small nephews laughing at the horse's poo at my wedding: we had a horse-drawn carriage rides to my family castle. Fun times.

Weddings here used to be mostly like this (I'm sure there have always been Gilded Age children-free weddings), and then the "wedding industry" spread the princess dream. The fact that many people aren't very religious anymore and don't really understand what weddings were about has also contributed to these new norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A agree.

For the most part anyway; if you give me a required "dress code color palette" I'm going to roll my eyes. Hard. I'll find a %$#@ing "cornflower blue" or "dusty rose" or whatever dress. But I'm going to look down on you and probably even talk about it.

The wedding industry has became massive, Instagramified, and overworked. My parents got married in the backwoods church my mom grew up in and had the reception at the local vfw. People used to have cake and punch weddings. A 100 guest wedding in a decent location with florals is going to run you about 50 thousand in the DC area. I think that insane expense makes brides want every single little detail to be perfect.

But people can still have a wedding reception in a church or rented hall, even in the DC area. They are prioritizing the appearance over the relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A agree.

For the most part anyway; if you give me a required "dress code color palette" I'm going to roll my eyes. Hard. I'll find a %$#@ing "cornflower blue" or "dusty rose" or whatever dress. But I'm going to look down on you and probably even talk about it.

The wedding industry has became massive, Instagramified, and overworked. My parents got married in the backwoods church my mom grew up in and had the reception at the local vfw. People used to have cake and punch weddings. A 100 guest wedding in a decent location with florals is going to run you about 50 thousand in the DC area. I think that insane expense makes brides want every single little detail to be perfect.

But people can still have a wedding reception in a church or rented hall, even in the DC area. They are prioritizing the appearance over the relationships.

Right. Sorry my second cousins I’ve never met aren’t a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A agree.

For the most part anyway; if you give me a required "dress code color palette" I'm going to roll my eyes. Hard. I'll find a %$#@ing "cornflower blue" or "dusty rose" or whatever dress. But I'm going to look down on you and probably even talk about it.

The wedding industry has became massive, Instagramified, and overworked. My parents got married in the backwoods church my mom grew up in and had the reception at the local vfw. People used to have cake and punch weddings. A 100 guest wedding in a decent location with florals is going to run you about 50 thousand in the DC area. I think that insane expense makes brides want every single little detail to be perfect.

But people can still have a wedding reception in a church or rented hall, even in the DC area. They are prioritizing the appearance over the relationships.

Again, you’re expecting a family reunion, as though you are entitled to one without planning or paying for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As far, as I'm concerned any excuse to not go, I'm thrilled.

You sound fun.

[Anonymous]

I think this is why elopements are increasing in popularity. People just don’t want to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far, as I'm concerned any excuse to not go, I'm thrilled.

+1, this is how I feel about destination weddings.

I just had the time of my life at one of those. It was like a Hollywood wedding. Over the top luxury and all paid for. Three days of first class entertainment and fun and all I had to do was rent a nearby Airbnb.

You people are just zero, zero fun. But it’s cool—we’ll just carry on without you.