Genuinely don’t understand why people get worked up about weddings

[Anonymous]

I don't get it either. We have gone to out of town weddings and paid someone to stay with the kids. I get not everyone can do that, but then just rsvp no. There's no need to get worked up about it. I understand why young kids aren't invited to an evening wedding reception, and I don't keep my kids up past their bedtime anyway. If I like you, I'm happy to find a sitter, board an airplane, and pay for a hotel so I can celebrate your milestone.

[Anonymous]

*weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me neither. It's just a party, often with mediocre food.

I would not go to an American WASP wedding. Yes to every other culture's wedding.

How often does this come up for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

I’m not the PP but it’s a priority issue with our finances. We’ve paid for a sitter because of work but thats honestly it. For exercise I walk our dogs and DD was in a stroller or as she got older a scooter or bike.
I took her with me to doc appts or made the appt during the work day and used SL.
Church, she sat with me most of the time. When she didn’t, our nursery was free.

I wouldn’t have paid a sitter to watch her to go to a wedding where I could have taken her but the Bride/Groom said no.
I wouldn’t be offended though, we would just be a no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

We never left our kids overnight until they were in upper elementary school and this was with friends with similar age kid friends since preschool. We had a nanny for when they were babies and did preschool/aftercare for work and had a neighborhood older teen for dinners/evening things but we never traveled for days leaving them with someone. When we went on vacation we never used sitters or kids club stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

In many of those cases you leave your kid with the other parent (shopping, gym) or with regular 5 day a week childcare (work, doctor's appointments). For an event like a wedding you could leave them with family. That's why it's hard for the kids not to be invited to a family wedding, because all of the top people on your list to babysit will be there. It's one thing for your kids not to be invited to your co-worker or college roommate's wedding, but when kids are not invited to weddings within the family that is just bizarre to me, especially when people act like you should leave one spouse at home or hire a sitter off the internet to watch kids to attend your own sibling's wedding. That is so far from my (Southern European) culture I cannot imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

In many of those cases you leave your kid with the other parent (shopping, gym) or with regular 5 day a week childcare (work, doctor's appointments). For an event like a wedding you could leave them with family. That's why it's hard for the kids not to be invited to a family wedding, because all of the top people on your list to babysit will be there. It's one thing for your kids not to be invited to your co-worker or college roommate's wedding, but when kids are not invited to weddings within the family that is just bizarre to me, especially when people act like you should leave one spouse at home or hire a sitter off the internet to watch kids to attend your own sibling's wedding. That is so far from my (Southern European) culture I cannot imagine.

I don't think most people are hiring a stranger off the internet while they go to a wedding weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get exercised about it, but I truly do not understand people who think weddings should be restricted to adults. Every wedding I've been to, my friends' weddings, my side of the family, or my husband's side, has been very child-friendly. My family is white European, my husband's family is East Asian. We all believe weddings are multi-generational occasions, and that they are, in fact, an elevated form of family reunion (the union of two families, babies to great-grandparents). Weddings have occurred in Europe, East Asia and the Americas.

It's only here on DCUM that I've learned some proportion of people (mostly caucasian American, I'm guessing) defend adult-only weddings. But since it hasn't affected me personally, I haven't had the opportunity to get annoyed about it. I have fond memories of my 2 year old dancing on the dance floor in the wee hours and then sleeping soundly on two chairs. And of my small nephews laughing at the horse's poo at my wedding: we had a horse-drawn carriage rides to my family castle. Fun times.

“Defend”? LOL. I had kids at my wedding but as I rightly recognize that other people are free to do anything they please, there’s nothing to defend. It just is. That’s like accusing me of “defending” people who choose to take ballroom dancing classes, or go on Disney cruises. It’s nothing to do with me. People do what they want and they are free to do so. People exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

In many of those cases you leave your kid with the other parent (shopping, gym) or with regular 5 day a week childcare (work, doctor's appointments). For an event like a wedding you could leave them with family. That's why it's hard for the kids not to be invited to a family wedding, because all of the top people on your list to babysit will be there. It's one thing for your kids not to be invited to your co-worker or college roommate's wedding, but when kids are not invited to weddings within the family that is just bizarre to me, especially when people act like you should leave one spouse at home or hire a sitter off the internet to watch kids to attend your own sibling's wedding. That is so far from my (Southern European) culture I cannot imagine.

You should have top people on both sides of the family to cover family weddings. When it's your side tap your husband's family and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that nobody should get so worked out about it. About the PP's family-friendly weddings: wedding used to be about joining families and were mostly held on family property during warm weather -- imagine everybody dancing/eating/drinking outside. Of course it included everybody. Nowadays wedding are often in rented spaces, often fancy premises or restaurants and it's more about groom and bride than the extended family -- hence nowadays we invite friends and colleagues. Times have changed and so have the customs. I personally held a kid inclusive wedding as well, but we rented out the whole outdoors space having restaurant, which had rooms upstairs, so there was space for everyone. However, I don't demand this from others as it's expensive and not many places even have such a set-up.

No, actually. Weddings used to be much smaller occasions. Many courthouse or private home weddings. Big weddings with lots of family invited are actually a relatively new tradition in the United States.

[Anonymous]

For the most part I don’t get it either. The only time I was annoyed was when my daughter was asked to be a flower girl, but later we were told she couldn’t come to the adult only reception. Felt a little like she was being used as a prop for cute photos. Every other wedding has been fine, we don’t go if it doesn’t work for us.

[Anonymous]

I loved having kids at mine, and I completely understand why someone would choose not to. Their choice. I also don’t get worked up about this or plus ones. If you don’t like it, don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Since we're talking about this, I'll just go ahead and say that in my experience, adult-only weddings are only done in that narrow tranche of middle-class social climbers who think it somehow makes their event more "elegant" and "distinguished". The wealthy, particularly Old Money, couldn't care less about how they're perceived and just invite everyone at whatever family estate or large venue they want. And the working class also couldn't care less about how they're perceived, and invite everyone as well - it's just that the venues are much less costly. Maybe it's a community hall or a backyard, and that's perfectly lovely as well.

I really don't think adult-only weddings are the norm in the US. And they're certainly not the norm in most other countries, which have more inclusive family values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since we're talking about this, I'll just go ahead and say that in my experience, adult-only weddings are only done in that narrow tranche of middle-class social climbers who think it somehow makes their event more "elegant" and "distinguished". The wealthy, particularly Old Money, couldn't care less about how they're perceived and just invite everyone at whatever family estate or large venue they want. And the working class also couldn't care less about how they're perceived, and invite everyone as well - it's just that the venues are much less costly. Maybe it's a community hall or a backyard, and that's perfectly lovely as well.

I really don't think adult-only weddings are the norm in the US. And they're certainly not the norm in most other countries, which have more inclusive family values.

OK? So you’re not really friends with that “tranche” of friends you sneer at and gossip about, so you just decline those invitations. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids were invited to my wedding, so I have no dog in the fight.

I’ve been to weddings where my whole family was invited. Some where only DH and I were invited. Heck, I’ve been to a wedding where only I was invited, with no plus one.

I’ve never viewed any invitation as rude. Weddings often have budgets, and I get that. Also, even though “vibe” wasn’t a big deal to me, I can see where some people want an adults only vibe. Whatever, it’s their wedding.

If I want to go and it works for me, I go. With or without my kids, with or without DH. Sometimes we have to decline. OK.

But why do people act so freaking offended? Go, don’t go, whatever you need or want to do. And yeah, maybe some relative will be offended—that’s their choice, not my problem. Whatever.

Weddings, by the way, aren’t family reunions. So if you want a family reunion, plan for and pay for one yourself.

Actually, it is a HUGE family reunion. Your thinking is informed by your culture. My culture prioritizes family in weddings.

Not OP. A Family reunion is a family reunion. A wedding is a wedding.