Genuinely don’t understand why people get worked up about weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

In many of those cases you leave your kid with the other parent (shopping, gym) or with regular 5 day a week childcare (work, doctor's appointments). For an event like a wedding you could leave them with family. That's why it's hard for the kids not to be invited to a family wedding, because all of the top people on your list to babysit will be there. It's one thing for your kids not to be invited to your co-worker or college roommate's wedding, but when kids are not invited to weddings within the family that is just bizarre to me, especially when people act like you should leave one spouse at home or hire a sitter off the internet to watch kids to attend your own sibling's wedding. That is so far from my (Southern European) culture I cannot imagine.

+1. It becomes complicated when it’s a late night or overnight event. We never had a regular sitter that we could rely on for late nights, and no family around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

Maybe the wedding is not important to justify the expense but other activities are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's about Old Money or social climbing explicitly.

I think it's about the wedding fantasy that gets sold to brides about the perfect shower and the perfect dress and the perfect flowers and the perfect cake. It's really easy to get caught up in the photo op cosplay of wedding, and within that fantasy, kids are either a prop or a major complication. The same people say they want to "enjoy being married for a while" before having kids. I think that very charitably speaking, they are attached to the party, and kids don't really fit into that vignette.

It's kind of the first of many ways that we socially shame women for making decisions about how to include children in their relational lives. People get defensive about their own choices. They get judgmental about other people's choices. They feel rejected and act out.

Sure, and then the reality is that people nowadays may not want to have kids at all. It's an option, which was not on the table not too long ago. If you want to stay childless, why would you invite kids to your wedding?

I think it would be a mistake to assume this correlation though. My brother and his wife don't have or want children. They invited my kids and our sister's kids to their wedding. They like kids. They just don't want any of their own. I actually DID have a child free wedding, because it was at night, at a bar. People who couldn't figure out a plan for their kids didn't come. It didn't change how I felt about them. I have 2 kids of my own, shockingly to your correlation.

Of course, I don't mean it as a correlation, simply as a fact that some people now decide to stay childless, as well as the percentage of 1-child households has doubled in the last decades. Meaning more that people come from smaller families, don't deal with kids on a daily basis and in general are more used to childless events. I have just 1 child who has never babysat etc. which used to be common. I wouldn't be surprised at all if weddings evolve into more friends-colleagues events than extended family-never seen distant cousins events. Growing up, I saw some members of the extended family only at weddings and funerals!

[Anonymous]

I once went to a wedding very happily on my own (only my name was on the invitation and I accepted for one person). The bride and groom were offended that I didn't bring the rest of my family.

[Anonymous]

weddings are a big deal to me. but i don't understand why people get worked up about sports.


people care about different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are expensive as are babysitters.

do you never leave your kids, ever? do you go to work? to the doctor's office? to church where you leave them in the nursery? shopping? to the gym? I'm calling BS that you NEVER leave your child EVER, unless you are some weirdo attachment parenting type.

In many of those cases you leave your kid with the other parent (shopping, gym) or with regular 5 day a week childcare (work, doctor's appointments). For an event like a wedding you could leave them with family. That's why it's hard for the kids not to be invited to a family wedding, because all of the top people on your list to babysit will be there. It's one thing for your kids not to be invited to your co-worker or college roommate's wedding, but when kids are not invited to weddings within the family that is just bizarre to me, especially when people act like you should leave one spouse at home or hire a sitter off the internet to watch kids to attend your own sibling's wedding. That is so far from my (Southern European) culture I cannot imagine.

+1. It becomes complicated when it’s a late night or overnight event. We never had a regular sitter that we could rely on for late nights, and no family around.

I don't understand how family means everything, and the culture is super family oriented, but no family around to help out? Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids were invited to my wedding, so I have no dog in the fight.

I’ve been to weddings where my whole family was invited. Some where only DH and I were invited. Heck, I’ve been to a wedding where only I was invited, with no plus one.

I’ve never viewed any invitation as rude. Weddings often have budgets, and I get that. Also, even though “vibe” wasn’t a big deal to me, I can see where some people want an adults only vibe. Whatever, it’s their wedding.

If I want to go and it works for me, I go. With or without my kids, with or without DH. Sometimes we have to decline. OK.

But why do people act so freaking offended? Go, don’t go, whatever you need or want to do. And yeah, maybe some relative will be offended—that’s their choice, not my problem. Whatever.

Weddings, by the way, aren’t family reunions. So if you want a family reunion, plan for and pay for one yourself.

Actually, it is a HUGE family reunion. Your thinking is informed by your culture. My culture prioritizes family in weddings.

Not OP. A Family reunion is a family reunion. A wedding is a wedding.

What kind of family reunion also includes your spouse's extended family, college friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc?

You don't read well. Try it again.

[Anonymous]

It's a very touchy topic.

[Anonymous]

I understand the no kids thing if the family are heavy drinkers.

[Anonymous]

A agree.

For the most part anyway; if you give me a required "dress code color palette" I'm going to roll my eyes. Hard. I'll find a %$#@ing "cornflower blue" or "dusty rose" or whatever dress. But I'm going to look down on you and probably even talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me neither. It's just a party, often with mediocre food.

I would not go to an American WASP wedding. Yes to every other culture's wedding.

What?

Oh wait. That's right. We WASPs are all exactly the same. All however-many-millions of us. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the most part I don’t get it either. The only time I was annoyed was when my daughter was asked to be a flower girl, but later we were told she couldn’t come to the adult only reception. Felt a little like she was being used as a prop for cute photos. Every other wedding has been fine, we don’t go if it doesn’t work for us.

Happened to me as a flower girl when I was little. I still remember it and how upset I was. That said, I was like 7, lol. As an adult, I think it's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A agree.

For the most part anyway; if you give me a required "dress code color palette" I'm going to roll my eyes. Hard. I'll find a %$#@ing "cornflower blue" or "dusty rose" or whatever dress. But I'm going to look down on you and probably even talk about it.

The wedding industry has became massive, Instagramified, and overworked. My parents got married in the backwoods church my mom grew up in and had the reception at the local vfw. People used to have cake and punch weddings. A 100 guest wedding in a decent location with florals is going to run you about 50 thousand in the DC area. I think that insane expense makes brides want every single little detail to be perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since we're talking about this, I'll just go ahead and say that in my experience, adult-only weddings are only done in that narrow tranche of middle-class social climbers who think it somehow makes their event more "elegant" and "distinguished". The wealthy, particularly Old Money, couldn't care less about how they're perceived and just invite everyone at whatever family estate or large venue they want. And the working class also couldn't care less about how they're perceived, and invite everyone as well - it's just that the venues are much less costly. Maybe it's a community hall or a backyard, and that's perfectly lovely as well.

I really don't think adult-only weddings are the norm in the US. And they're certainly not the norm in most other countries, which have more inclusive family values.

Why do people on DCUM turn everything into this class thing? You really think that not inviting kids to a wedding is about being perceived as "elegant" and "distinguished"? And that "Old Money" people (I swear, this is a made-up aesthetic to you people, you are always so far off with it) "just invite everyone" and that "working class" do the same? Some venues and times are more or less appropriate for kids. That's all. Some parties are appropriate for kids, and some are less so -- no matter the "class" of the people throwing it or the country it is taking place in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since we're talking about this, I'll just go ahead and say that in my experience, adult-only weddings are only done in that narrow tranche of middle-class social climbers who think it somehow makes their event more "elegant" and "distinguished". The wealthy, particularly Old Money, couldn't care less about how they're perceived and just invite everyone at whatever family estate or large venue they want. And the working class also couldn't care less about how they're perceived, and invite everyone as well - it's just that the venues are much less costly. Maybe it's a community hall or a backyard, and that's perfectly lovely as well.

I really don't think adult-only weddings are the norm in the US. And they're certainly not the norm in most other countries, which have more inclusive family values.

I was one of the PPs and was trying to make the same point. Once you have to rent a wedding venue instead of owning it, it becomes a matter of space and finances. if you own a large estate, you don't care who comes, and if you have it in your backyard, you also don't care. But if you have to rent a hotel/restaurant/do a destination... yes, it becomes a different animal. I'm multicultural and in some countries it's actually a fight to have FRIENDS invited as the elders consider the wedding a family affair. But things of course change as people marry later and pay for their own weddings.

I will assure you, this is not the case.