Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a sociopath. Do you think he was tired of reading Hop on Pop for the 200th time? Do you think he might have been a wee bit bored of your Scooby Doo fixation? And you can’t be positive about a once a week visit.

I would cut off my arm if I could see my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles just ONE more time.

Yes, I thought the same thing. OP is a sociopath. And if he is...then he can't really help himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

I wonder about this, as one with a parent who rarely talked about personal matters ever but started to drop little crumbs like op's dad's bullying thing around age 80. I got the sense that my parent was feeling a need to be seen.

I think it's certainly true that a parent should not expect a child to be a therapist. And when kids are young it would be good to share personal stories in general but not ever to trauma dump. Once the child is grown, though, doesn't the relationship shift at least a little and the parent can maybe talk more about some hard times? Not in a way of making excuses, not in a guilt- inducing way, but in a way of sharing their experiences?

No. A parent is a parent and there's no "sharing experiences" about bullying and how their parent didn't protect them. It's a sob story, "poor me" story. Sharing experiences is about facts, not emotional trauma dumping. Things like these and sexual experiences are not something to be shared with adult children. For this one has to have friends or seek out a therapist. Nobody wants to see their parent as a weak, cowardly, needy person and this is not something that should be dumped on adult children to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a way of letting go. Your subconscious is telling you things about his aging, your aging, that are hard to deal with front and center, so you block them out, feel uncomfortable and generally put off. Try to show love. My mom treasured a hug from me.

Did you like hugging her? I hate hugging my father but I still do it sometimes

I didn’t mind it, but had to make myself do it. I know it meant the world to her so that’s why I did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

Curious, how much of inheritance do you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

I wonder about this, as one with a parent who rarely talked about personal matters ever but started to drop little crumbs like op's dad's bullying thing around age 80. I got the sense that my parent was feeling a need to be seen.

I think it's certainly true that a parent should not expect a child to be a therapist. And when kids are young it would be good to share personal stories in general but not ever to trauma dump. Once the child is grown, though, doesn't the relationship shift at least a little and the parent can maybe talk more about some hard times? Not in a way of making excuses, not in a guilt- inducing way, but in a way of sharing their experiences?

No. A parent is a parent and there's no "sharing experiences" about bullying and how their parent didn't protect them. It's a sob story, "poor me" story. Sharing experiences is about facts, not emotional trauma dumping. Things like these and sexual experiences are not something to be shared with adult children. For this one has to have friends or seek out a therapist. Nobody wants to see their parent as a weak, cowardly, needy person and this is not something that should be dumped on adult children to deal with.

This tells us a lot about you, and not in a good way.

[Anonymous]

I sort of get the comment from the pps about it not being appropriate for a parent to trauma dump on their adult child. I think the level of closeness should really grow organically from the level of closeness the two have had in the past. In my case, my mother is a gas lighter who thinks she knows best and is all to happy to dispense unsolicited advice even when told not to. If I said I was sad about x, the response was often something like “you shouldn’t be sad about x” or “youre too sensitive”. This was the dynamic since I was a kid. My mom has gotten better over the years, but even so, I have very little interest in being her therapist or even her distant friend when she tries to tell me about her feelings about things. Find someone else.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you do a lot for him per your follow up posts, and the conversation is just the last straw because it feels like he's trying to make you responsible for his emotional well-being on top of everything else.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if some of this has to do with your parent being a man of a certain age. He probably relied on your mother to do lots of things with him and for him and now that has gotten transferred to you. I'd resent that, too, and feel put off by it. Previous posters called it "weak" or "emotionally immature" but I kind of see it more as something inherent to that generation of men. I wonder if your parents both worked or had a more traditional set up with her as a SAHM? (Not important, I'm just curious.)

[Anonymous]

OP is not the only person to feel this way because there are a lot of adult children who don’t visit their parents.
Just have some compassion and spend time with him for being your dad.
In this process you might teach your teenager how to treat you when you get old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I completely get it. There are so many other things you could be doing once a week.

Guarantee most of these posters aren't visiting their parents once a week. If they do they have siblings who are helping out or their parents are just more interesting / engaging /enjoyable so it isn't a burden to spend time every week visiting.

You father never prioritized you, yet you are giving him priority in your life. That is why you understandably are annoyed.

If you don't want to visit every week, then just don't. My kids are in high school and I visited my mother 2-3 times a week when my kids were in elementary and middle school. I just burned out and started thinking I would rather spend time with my high school aged kids before they go to college and potentially never live with me again. So I started making excuses and telling white lies- I'm sick, I have work, my spouse is sick, my dog is sick, etc. Whatever worked and gradually got it down to once a month. I don't care that my mom complains. She complained when I saw her 7 days a week.

Thank you. It’s the guilt that’s eating me.
I guess I’ll just have to somehow get rid of the guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

DP.
OP, I am also Gen X, and find your attitude that you think it’s inappropriate for your dad to talk about these things as strange and sort of anachronistic, for lack of a better word.

I agree a good therapist could help you work through some of these feelings.
Can you try to put yourself in your dad’s shoes?
Do you really think you will reach old age never becoming “uninteresting” to some younger people, including your child?

I am trying to get used the fact that yes, I might be boring to my kid. But i should try to stay current at least, and be able to host him in a clean, welcoming home with good food, and be competent enough to do things on my own!
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, just make sure you're always fun and interesting, never weak or flawed, and keep your adult children entertained! If you don't, and they don't love you, too bad!

I think the key thing is being competent and capable of making life decisions. My father is like a giant toddler who is physically capable and legally an adult but he always relies on others for decisions. Used to be my mother, now it’s us kids.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died of alcoholism when I was 14. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and my mom did her best to convince me he was a worthless, untrustworthy, lying, loser. Then shipped me off to his house every other weekend. I hated it. I had no room, nothing there, no bed, nothing. It was awful. Then the summer I turned 14 it occurred to me that maybe my mom was wrong. I made a concerted effort to spend the evenings talking to my dad instead of trying to avoid him or spend as little time with him as possible. I learned a lot about him that summer. Two months later he was dead and I was so so so glad I took the time to try and get to know him a little.

My advice to you—get to know your dad. Play card games or whatever and just talk. Record his stories or have him write them down. Get to know your grandparents through his stories. Ask him about Xmas traditions, what school was like, changes in technology. He’s not saying anything interesting because you’re not asking anything interesting.

Feeling the way I feel comes exactly after about 2 years of deep conversations with him! We used to be close when I was a child, then grew apart when I was a teen (there was some disappointment on my end), then we were distant and I really tried to get to know him once he moved closer.
Unfortunately *there’s nothing there*
There is no wisdom, there’s astonishing lack of self awareness, there’s just an old, scared man with an outdated worldview.
He has trouble keeping his house clean too (I have to clean) so I think physical repulsion adds to it.
-OP

I understand how your cleaning his house is creating resentment.
Could this be outsourced?

I’ll think about it.
It didn’t make sense initially because it’s actually like 1-2 hrs every few weeks but maybe it’s worth it as I am tired of all the grossness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

Thank you, this is very spot on. He was very happy to move closer to me, as he didn’t have much going on back home either. I make him attend senior center activities and he’s made some casual friends there.
But yes, it’s the drastic change since seeing him 1-2x per year that gets to me. He had a complicated relationship with my late mother but at least he was focused on her and not on me!
-OP

Well I guess you don't want to visit him. What do you want us to say? Go every two weeks? Do you feel guilty about this?

I feel very guilty, yes.
I am not sure visiting less frequently will help.
I am getting some ideas from the thread so it’s been useful.