Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to see my father every week because he lives so close. He was a pretty good dad and he is a nice old man rn. He doesn’t need much help, and physical help isn’t the problem. It’s just that I don’t want to see him or talk to him, not in an angry way, but I just don’t care.
He is a stereotypical old man, stuck in the past. There aren’t any interesting thoughts coming out of him (at least I haven’t heard any in the past couple of years since he moved closer to me).
He has nothing in common with his teen grandson.
I feel so bad when he says he loves me or misses me, because I don’t. When I think about having to see him weekly for another decade (he is 80 and in good health) I get so depressed.
I don’t know what to do about it, I guess I’m just venting.
Maybe there are others who feel the same way.

OP I know you have already received a lot of responses, but I wanted to point out something important. You mention your dad has nothing in common with your teen son. News flash: having things in common is not necessary for a meaningful relationship.

I also have a teen son, and a dad. They have little in common. My dad grew up poor and playing baseball with his 10 brothers in a nearby field, and had his first job at age 12.
My son grew up UMC in the suburbs, is biracial, a competitive athlete in a completely different sport, has visited many countries, and has not worked a lot for pay other than a few hours lifeguarding in the summers. On paper, very little in common.

But they have a meaningful relationship because they each take an interest in the other. Perhaps that is what is missing and you need help propagating.

It is a separate issue but in short it’s all quite complicated and I just don’t have the energy to propagate, I do take small steps but it’s all very hard. They are very different people.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

Thank you, this resonates a lot! I have to admit, he tries to hide the expectation of wanting more. It comes through mostly via small remarks about how we “rarely” see each other and things like that. Or he’ll text me that he misses me after 5 days of not seeing me. It all looks very innocent on the surface but irks me to no end because it feels manipulative and needy, but I have no proof and so I end up feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion, meet your dad every other week and plan something that YOU want to do and have him tag along. Art exhibit your son doesn’t want to see? Bring dad! Cuisine you wanted to try but your son or husband aren’t into it? Bring dad! Art class you always wanted to take? Going to an academic lecture? Small town you wanted to visit? Scenic drive or stop? Maybe you want space to slow down, bring dad to meditation or tai chi or a park bench in nature. Find a scenario in which you both win.

I think I can’t justify every other week (and honestly I dont think it’ll help much) but I’ll think about activities. He is pretty finicky though. Maybe a car ride to a park or something.

My dad likes to go see the small animals at petsmart. Not something that I ever would have thought he'd like, but he does.

This is a good idea! Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

I wonder about this, as one with a parent who rarely talked about personal matters ever but started to drop little crumbs like op's dad's bullying thing around age 80. I got the sense that my parent was feeling a need to be seen.

I think it's certainly true that a parent should not expect a child to be a therapist. And when kids are young it would be good to share personal stories in general but not ever to trauma dump. Once the child is grown, though, doesn't the relationship shift at least a little and the parent can maybe talk more about some hard times? Not in a way of making excuses, not in a guilt- inducing way, but in a way of sharing their experiences?

No. A parent is a parent and there's no "sharing experiences" about bullying and how their parent didn't protect them. It's a sob story, "poor me" story. Sharing experiences is about facts, not emotional trauma dumping. Things like these and sexual experiences are not something to be shared with adult children. For this one has to have friends or seek out a therapist. Nobody wants to see their parent as a weak, cowardly, needy person and this is not something that should be dumped on adult children to deal with.

Yes, this is how I feel! I don’t want to see him as weak and humiliated.
It wasn’t his fault he was bullied but I felt like he was telling me about it because he was trying to parentify me?
Btw he was also trying to tell me about some woman who was romantically interested in him (it was all very PG) but I shut it down.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a way of letting go. Your subconscious is telling you things about his aging, your aging, that are hard to deal with front and center, so you block them out, feel uncomfortable and generally put off. Try to show love. My mom treasured a hug from me.

Did you like hugging her? I hate hugging my father but I still do it sometimes

I didn’t mind it, but had to make myself do it. I know it meant the world to her so that’s why I did it.

Yes, I think I know how it feels.. except I think I did it too much and now it’s causing resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you do a lot for him per your follow up posts, and the conversation is just the last straw because it feels like he's trying to make you responsible for his emotional well-being on top of everything else.

I don’t think I do a lot physically or time wise, but I’ve had to help him with healthcare decisions because he just becomes a deer in the headlights and freezes. I’ve had to make some executive decisions about him moving here (he was super agreeable and said he wanted to move but again, he would just freeze). I thought it was normal and appropriate because he is so old.
Now his life is on track so luckily I don’t have to make decisions or organize much for him, and that’s when the resentment started, ironically.
I liked putting his life on track but now when it’s on track I feel like I want to move on.
Not sure what to make of it
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of this has to do with your parent being a man of a certain age. He probably relied on your mother to do lots of things with him and for him and now that has gotten transferred to you. I'd resent that, too, and feel put off by it. Previous posters called it "weak" or "emotionally immature" but I kind of see it more as something inherent to that generation of men. I wonder if your parents both worked or had a more traditional set up with her as a SAHM? (Not important, I'm just curious.)

She was a SAHM but much more competent and made all the decisions. She didn’t take care of him in a traditional SAHM sense but she was truly the head of household and he just obeyed her orders.
I think age is only part of it
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not the only person to feel this way because there are a lot of adult children who don’t visit their parents.
Just have some compassion and spend time with him for being your dad.
In this process you might teach your teenager how to treat you when you get old.

I mean I have to help him in practical things as he has very poor executive functioning so of course I’ll end up spending time with him. I don’t enjoy it though so i am not sure about teaching my teen…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Was he strict growing up?

Curious because my parents were strict and fairly distant (not too uncommon in their generation). So now when they try to relate to me with personal stories and remove some of that distance it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Then I feel guilty about feeling uncomfortable or avoiding spending time with them.

I'd like to get past that but I don't know how.

[Anonymous]

These takes are bizarre. I’m thankful that my parents and grandparents shared their stories, including the hard things. It helped me understand them, our family and my own life. I’m thankful that at times as an adult I could comfort them. Even very health elders become a bit more vulnerable and need some care as they age. The idea that we remain frozen as children to receive care and never grow to reciprocate is selfish and petty.

OP started out with no complaints about his father, just that he wasn’t entertaining enough. Only when several posters told him that he was out of line did he come up with complaints. What do we always say about OPs who keep dropping breadcrumbs and shifting the story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

DP.
OP, I am also Gen X, and find your attitude that you think it’s inappropriate for your dad to talk about these things as strange and sort of anachronistic, for lack of a better word.

I agree a good therapist could help you work through some of these feelings.
Can you try to put yourself in your dad’s shoes?
Do you really think you will reach old age never becoming “uninteresting” to some younger people, including your child?

I am trying to get used the fact that yes, I might be boring to my kid. But i should try to stay current at least, and be able to host him in a clean, welcoming home with good food, and be competent enough to do things on my own!
-OP

Hopefully you can afford a ticket to Switzerland before the dementia sets in. I’ll be rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Being bullied is not embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

I wonder about this, as one with a parent who rarely talked about personal matters ever but started to drop little crumbs like op's dad's bullying thing around age 80. I got the sense that my parent was feeling a need to be seen.

I think it's certainly true that a parent should not expect a child to be a therapist. And when kids are young it would be good to share personal stories in general but not ever to trauma dump. Once the child is grown, though, doesn't the relationship shift at least a little and the parent can maybe talk more about some hard times? Not in a way of making excuses, not in a guilt- inducing way, but in a way of sharing their experiences?

No. A parent is a parent and there's no "sharing experiences" about bullying and how their parent didn't protect them. It's a sob story, "poor me" story. Sharing experiences is about facts, not emotional trauma dumping. Things like these and sexual experiences are not something to be shared with adult children. For this one has to have friends or seek out a therapist. Nobody wants to see their parent as a weak, cowardly, needy person and this is not something that should be dumped on adult children to deal with.

Yes, this is how I feel! I don’t want to see him as weak and humiliated.
It wasn’t his fault he was bullied but I felt like he was telling me about it because he was trying to parentify me?
Btw he was also trying to tell me about some woman who was romantically interested in him (it was all very PG) but I shut it down.
-OP

You seem to be the immature one because you want to be a child forever. When you are an adult, “parentification” in the usual sense doesn’t apply. We all may become the parents to our parents as they become old and infirm. But that’s a natural course of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of get the comment from the pps about it not being appropriate for a parent to trauma dump on their adult child. I think the level of closeness should really grow organically from the level of closeness the two have had in the past. In my case, my mother is a gas lighter who thinks she knows best and is all to happy to dispense unsolicited advice even when told not to. If I said I was sad about x, the response was often something like “you shouldn’t be sad about x” or “youre too sensitive”. This was the dynamic since I was a kid. My mom has gotten better over the years, but even so, I have very little interest in being her therapist or even her distant friend when she tries to tell me about her feelings about things. Find someone else.

I have a very similar experience and relationship with my mom. She has been dumping on me about my dad since she was a kid. She also dumps about other relatives, which bothers me less. But it's completely inappropriate to vent to your kids about certain things- like other members of your family- when your kids have a relationship about those people. It's the same as venting in a friend group- it's not appropriate to talk behind other people's backs. This just seems basic to me.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why everyone is harping on you. I think it’s normal. Not everyone has an amazing connection with their parents. Maybe you could attach something to his visits to make them better. Like if you knit, you could at least knit and talk or watch tv so you’re still being productive and you won’t be annoyed. Or if you’ve always wanted to read the classics and dad’s eyes are going you can read aloud to him. Or you can drag him around on errands and pretend you need his advice or whatever.

I have a parent whose presence literally triggers me and makes all my sensory sensitivities flare and it’s just so uncomfortable to be around them. I also think they’re kind of dim because they’ve let their world get so small. They don’t live nearby, but I don’t know what I’d do if I had to see them weekly.