I want them to love home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My widowed friend sold her large house, and jointly bought largish homes with her two kids in a good school district. She has an independent suite in these houses and name on the deeds as co-owner. She takes turns living in each of these homes. She does not have to care about the maintenance of the home, grounds, utilities etc. She has become a minimalist. She has her own space, she has enabled her kids to buy homes in good school district which they could have not done on their own at a young age, she is close with her grandkids, and she has given her children their inheritance and a leg up while she is still living.

What happens when your widowed friend starts deteriorating physically and mentally? How minimalist is her home care going to be since the money is locked in the kids’ houses?

One of my mom’s friends did something like that. It was great until she needed help with basic daily living. Surprise, neither of the kids wanted to do it, and they didn’t feel like giving back part of their “inheritance” to pay for an aid either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

Great list, PP. I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair. This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health. Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy. Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot. Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car there. If we stay at a location for a longish time - my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order. Be equal and equitable with all kids. Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied. You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance. What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

- Have your boundaries very clear. I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house. My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets.

- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family. Especially during holidays. Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait.

To summarize the two posts above:

1. Have lots of money
2. Spend lots of money on your grown children and bend your life to their preferences
3. Don’t ever show that you may need something from them. Only they are allowed to take.

The life of my dreams!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more about how much fun you and your kids have together OP, along with having enough to space to live comfortably.

Also, decorate your home in a cozy warm way, stay away from all the whites and grays.

😂😂😂 @ Whites and Gray

When I made decisions about whether to visit my mother or MIL, the color palette was my number one concern. I used to visit mom, because her bathroom was Behr Watery, but when my MIL painted the entire guest bedroom Benjamin Moore Beach Glass, we started going there for Christmas. When I explained this to my mother, she acted hurt. Boomers are SOOOO dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

My mom sounds like OP and desperately wants me to cling to her. As I've told her many times, I'm not comfortable being in their house with my mentally ill and abusive dad who refuses to get therapy. She is devastated but will do absolutely nothing to make time to see me without him present. If she wanted me around, the very best thing she could ever do is divorce. So I disagree with PP here. It depends on the situation.

Okay but if you were still spending time with your dad, that would come out of your vacation time. And if your mom got a new partner who was also awful, divorce wouldn't have made anything better for you or her.

I wouldn't spend time with my dad because he is abusive, mentally ill man who refuses treatment.

I would not assume that my mom would get another abusive partner. Much less one who would promptly move in. And in any event, if she chose another partner and who that partner is is speculative. All I know is that my dad is a POS I don't want to be around. So long as they're a package deal, she won't get many visits with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

Great list, PP. I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair. This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health. Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy. Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot. Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car there. If we stay at a location for a longish time - my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order. Be equal and equitable with all kids. Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied. You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance. What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

- Have your boundaries very clear. I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house. My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets.

- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family. Especially during holidays. Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait.

Counterpoint, if you don't allow pets in your house and your children have pets, except shorter and less frequent visits. Your boundaries are fine, but you have to understand the realistic consequences too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

First Place response.

OK. PP wants her parents to do all of these things for her. Is she prepared to also do these things when she is the grandparent and is trying to please the children and grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

The reasons I (as a 52-year-year old still love visiting my parents' house in my mid-sized hometown in the Midwest):

1. My parents love to cook amazing food.
2. Their house is large and nicer than the house where I live in the DC area with my husband and teenage daughter.
3. It's fun to see my high school friends who still live in my hometown.
4. The town has enough fun things to do to keep us occupied.
5. My parents insist on paying for our flights, even though we would be happy to pay for the flights.
6. My DH enjoys spending time with my parents.

[Anonymous]

I go home* because my parents are there. That’s it, and it’s enough.



*Which is neither the town where I grew up nor the town where they lived for 30+ years after I went off to college.

[Anonymous]

My parents had a modest home. BUT, they bought a crib when they became grandparents, so there was always somewhere comfortable to put a baby down for a nap. They kept some toys and children's books around. And my mom was a good cook and was great at talking to little kids. It's more about effort than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

Great list, PP. I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair. This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health. Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy. Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot. Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car there. If we stay at a location for a longish time - my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order. Be equal and equitable with all kids. Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied. You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance. What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

- Have your boundaries very clear. I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house. My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets.

- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family. Especially during holidays. Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait.

Counterpoint, if you don't allow pets in your house and your children have pets, except shorter and less frequent visits. Your boundaries are fine, but you have to understand the realistic consequences too.

Yes. Plus, you may not want to stay with them when you go to their house because of pet dander and fur. So, these are all workable things - you can choose to stay in a hotel, your kids can choose to board their pets etc.

Just remember that your preference is made clear from the get go. Don't be the person who does not communicate and then stews silently.

[Anonymous]

Similarly, if there is expectation that you will help with childcare ever, you need to make it clear how much and what you are willing to do.

For example, my friend is willing to look after the grand-baby in her own house, provided a nanny is also there. My friend and her daughter split the cost of the nanny. My friend does not want to be tied to caring for the baby, especially if she is unwell, travelling etc. At the same time, it is better to have more eyes on the nanny and more people to bond with the baby.

Then there are other friends who have decided to only help with the baby - one day a weekend or in dire need, because they also have their own jobs, eldercare and other obligations.

So, be ready to talk as a family. Everything has to be done with consensus and flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more about how much fun you and your kids have together OP, along with having enough to space to live comfortably.

Also, decorate your home in a cozy warm way, stay away from all the whites and grays.

😂😂😂 @ Whites and Gray

When I made decisions about whether to visit my mother or MIL, the color palette was my number one concern. I used to visit mom, because her bathroom was Behr Watery, but when my MIL painted the entire guest bedroom Benjamin Moore Beach Glass, we started going there for Christmas. When I explained this to my mother, she acted hurt. Boomers are SOOOO dramatic.

I’m going to Google both of those colors
Thank you for the laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

Great list, PP. I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair. This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health. Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy. Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot. Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car there. If we stay at a location for a longish time - my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order. Be equal and equitable with all kids. Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied. You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance. What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

- Have your boundaries very clear. I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house. My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets.

- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family. Especially during holidays. Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait.

To summarize the two posts above:

1. Have lots of money
2. Spend lots of money on your grown children and bend your life to their preferences
3. Don’t ever show that you may need something from them. Only they are allowed to take.

The life of my dreams!

I am the person who added to the first list. I am the parent, not the adult child. However, I am a generation (gen X) who have looked after my parents and ILs (silent generation) because they were the most loving parents and ILs. They did their best for us, gave us a college education, paid for our modest wedding and did not ask us anything for their retirement. We still ended up having to shift them to apartments, fixing their homes, sorting out paperwork, having to find people to take care of them...surgeries, death, funerals.

Seeing their decline - I started to make a mental check-list for my own self.
1) We must be financially self-sufficient and have plans for our own decline. We must have enough insurance for all kinds of situations.
2) Become minimal and get rid of stuff. Do the Swedish Death Cleanse.
3) Enjoy travel and vacations. Let kids and family come to your vacations because that way you keep seeing them. (of course, if you have money).
4) Not have things that need taken care of - pets and plants.
5) Keep children appraised of your paperwork etc. Make wills.
6) Must keep healthy. Must exercise to not have falls in old age. Exercise, eat right, catch symptoms in time etc.

What do I need from my kids? I do not need their constant companionship because by making my home comfortable and not putting demands on them - they already love to come home.

Do I need my kids to make meals for me? Not unless I am ill or sick.

Do I need my kids to pay my bills? No. I am financially better off than them because of my inexpensive home and my fat pension. We are also very forward-thinking about adapting to new technology etc and careful about being scammed. So we pay our own bills. Once the house is paid off, and the kids are on their own, you do not spend as much. Most of our money goes towards maintaining home, yard, healthy lifestyle, socializing and travelling.

When I am that feeble that my kids need to make decisions for me - I have already done footwork for them. And then whatever they decided...I do not care.

Exactly what do I need from my kids that they will not give me? I am available to be helpful to them with childcare. Why would they not use that if we are not scums?

I cannot be a terrible mom or grandparents and then expect my kids to be devoted and filial. They learn by example. I cannot raise kids who did not launch successfully to financially look after themselves and their own families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My widowed friend sold her large house, and jointly bought largish homes with her two kids in a good school district. She has an independent suite in these houses and name on the deeds as co-owner. She takes turns living in each of these homes. She does not have to care about the maintenance of the home, grounds, utilities etc. She has become a minimalist. She has her own space, she has enabled her kids to buy homes in good school district which they could have not done on their own at a young age, she is close with her grandkids, and she has given her children their inheritance and a leg up while she is still living.

What happens when your widowed friend starts deteriorating physically and mentally? How minimalist is her home care going to be since the money is locked in the kids’ houses?

One of my mom’s friends did something like that. It was great until she needed help with basic daily living. Surprise, neither of the kids wanted to do it, and they didn’t feel like giving back part of their “inheritance” to pay for an aid either.

She is quite savvy. She has a condo too that she rents out. Probably she will sell it in the near future. She is also getting a pension. She is pretty good about nurturing care staff around her. She pays for the cleaner, cook etc. She has money to have an aide look after her, if need be. She is very astute and she has kept the money for her care. If she had less money, she would have kept the money and moved to assisted living etc. She really has no illusions about the world. First rule of thumb after you have given your kids a college education and they have launched is to be very comfortable in your retirement. If it means that you live a frugal life to get there - so be it. Don't be without money in your old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

First Place response.

OK. PP wants her parents to do all of these things for her. Is she prepared to also do these things when she is the grandparent and is trying to please the children and grandchildren?

What if PP says that she will do all these things and does not do it? The proof of the pudding is in eating it. What we know in the present is how parents have raised their AC and how they looked after their own parents and ILs. That's it.

Parents have no idea what the AC will do for them. So the best thing to do is to raise your children and grandchildren with care, morals, effort, time and love. Also, be prepared to be old alone and be self-sufficient for as long as you can. You can rely on yourself. Your AC will do the right things if you have also taught them well. This can only happen if you spend quality and quantity time with them.