I want them to love home

[Anonymous]

My ILs moved to Chicago because it's a place that's easy for all of their adult children to get to. I strongly recommend that approach, rather than thinking your preferred state is everyone's preferred state. My parents live in a lovely but inconvenient ski place and I like to visit, but I certainly do pay a price in terms of time and effort to make it happen.

Don't cling to your home for sentimental reasons long after it's safe. Nobody's happy to visit a place where their aging parent is so obviously at risk for falls, can't keep up with maintenance, having to drive long after they shouldn't be driving, etc. It's just so sad, and the visit becomes dominated by arguments, worry, and helping with maintenance tasks. My ILs moved to a 55+ where all their home ownership needs are taken care of and they can get daily safety door-knocks if they request it, and that way we can spend time with them without the sadness and tension of someone clinging to a home that no longer is safe for them. It's great.

[Anonymous]

Are you in the part of California that catches fire, or the part that's going to be hit by a tsunami eventually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay married. By a ski house with a separate room for each kid. Ski in, ski out, if you can swing it. You'll see them every work break during ski season.

Don’t ever, ever buy a second home assuming your adult children are going to want to use it. Horrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

This is a really great list.

[Anonymous]

When they were toddlers and elementary age, we taught them how to ski and how to play golf. Two sports that are expensive, so they like to do them with us since they can't (yet) afford them easily on their own.

On a more serious note, a lot of PPs made good points. We changed or redecorated their bedrooms as they requested along the way, but never converted them to anything else. Stock food they like. Let them come and go, invite their GFs and aren't uptight about sleeping arrangements. Friends are welcome to stay over.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are now young adults. They are coming home to see us, not the house. The family traditions can be done anywhere, it doesn't need to be the home they were raised in.

I think if you want them to come visit often, make it easy for their partner (welcome them, be non-judgemental), and easy for their kids (be helpful, raise them with their rules - not yours), and in a location that is easy to get to (not 2-3 hours from the nearest airport), is comfortable for them (their own room/bathroom), and has stuff to do for all ages, for when your grandkids are 2 and 12 and 22.

[Anonymous]

I agree you need the space for visits, and also a close airport. My parents have a great house somewhere scenic and are super welcoming but it is SO hard to get to them, huge expense every time because we need connecting flights a rental car.

And I totally agree about the babyproofing/sleeping aspect. My in-laws are really bad with that. Nobody wants to stay on a couch, and when dcs were little it was horrible going because they had breakables all over the place, bar height glass table...

But really the most important thing is that they may not visit much even if you do everything "perfectly" because of other factors: They might need to also travel to see in-laws, they might not have much time off work, they may not have the money to prioritize traveling to you...So you have to be understanding and make the most of visits when they do happen and visit (without being a pita, hotel if best for them) as well.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll post with a trad wife twist. No real person with a baby & toddler would even be thinking about this.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in LA and have raised my kids here after 10 years in NY. Most of my high school class has made their way back here or to northern CA. DH is from the east coast and many of his childhood friends have moved here too. CA just draws people, OP is on to something. My friends who grew up in NYC also returned there.

In terms of staying with parents, my relatives who have houses in Santa Barbara always get their kids and other family visiting, there’s the appeal of the vacation spot. They’re also very laid back and fun. My parents have a beautiful ski house but we don’t like to stay there because it’s uncomfortable and they are rigid.

So, I think location matters as does being easy going. Lastly, places like LA and NY are so expensive for young families. I’d love my kids to return but also be excited if they land somewhere easier.

[Anonymous]

Nothing else matters as much as loving, supporting and understanding them. If you have a good bond with them, everything will work out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll post with a trad wife twist. No real person with a baby & toddler would even be thinking about this.

Human minds work in mysterious and miscellaneous ways.

[Anonymous]

Parents staying married and staying in the same house where kids grew up are probably most significant factors for kids to want to come home. If parents are divorced or moved to a random place, it won't feel like coming home to kids.

Also if parents are healthy and have some money to treat grandkids, that also helps.

For Christmas my friend's son and his wife always visited their parents where they had private bedroom, attached bathroom, living room, balcony, car, gifts, dinning out, full refrigerator etc.

Since parents got divorced and remarried, kids have to buy flights, stay at hotels, rent a car, eat out unless invited for a meal etc. Their visits are not consistent or long anymore. It costs them a lot and its not like going home. Its like visiting random relatives.

They visited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have adult children, but here is why I love coming home:
- a king bed (I haven't had those in my apartments)
- my own bathroom (I share with my husband)
- my mom's home cooking (she makes food that I can't make)
- talking with them (I generally just love taking walks with them and talking with them)
- I loved my childhood (largely because of my school and friends which they didn't have too much control over, but that helps)
- it's stress free (my parents don't harp on me or my habits, and they don't overanalyze my life)

This. Make it comfortable psychologically. A place of rest and love. Home cooked meals help. The feeling that they’re “coming home” and not “visiting parents’ home” makes a big difference.

[Anonymous]

More of my friends from California and NJ have their grown employed kids living with or near them compared to my friends in any other state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

This list is fantastic, PP. Even if you end up moving later in life, these are the things that will make your kids want to spend time together. I agree with others too about not being rigid. Sometimes it makes more sense to spend timing visiting your AC than the other way around. Mine moved to be near me because I'm an only child. We have gone on vacations (separately) with my parents and ILs (and my DH and kids) because that's fun. It's not just about the same place all the time, it's the people and the memories. And feeling comfortable so it's something you want to keep doing as an AC.