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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** [b]Stay married!!![/b] NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly [b]baby-proof your house [/b]so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of [b]modern parenting trends[/b] so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

***[b] Get a hearing aid[/b] when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** [b]Don't move somewhere remote[/b] and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have [b]good sleeping arrangements[/b] so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough [b]water heater[/b] for everyone to shower.

*** Be [b]flexible about scheduling[/b]. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** [b]Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friend[/b]s, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** [b]Food should be good[/b] but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.[/quote]

Great list, PP.  I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair.  This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health.  Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy.  Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot.  Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car  there.  If we stay at a location for a longish time -  my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order.  Be equal and equitable with all kids.  Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied.  You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance.  What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

[b]- Have your boundaries very clear.  I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house.  My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets. 
[/b]
- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family.  Especially during holidays.   Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait. [/quote]

Counterpoint, if you don't allow pets in your house and your children have pets, except shorter and less frequent visits. Your boundaries are fine, but you have to understand the realistic consequences too. [/quote]

Yes.  Plus, you may not want to stay with them when you go to their house because of pet dander and fur.  So, these are all workable things - you can choose to stay in a hotel, your kids can choose to board their pets etc.

Just remember that your preference is made clear from the get go. Don't be the person who does not communicate and then stews silently.   [/quote]

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