I want them to love home
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Anonymous
To be fair, I know many people from CA who never left the state or moved back after college or working for a few years. The weather and lifestyle there can be pretty great. |
Anonymous
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California really depends on their chosen career, money and PTO. In tech? Yes they would likely end up there, especially if you are there and able to offset or augment childcare. Doctor, lawyer, teacher or whatever…nope too expensive. Finance…maybe SF.
Pros on California…weather, lots of areas to vacation so obligation trips can be cut down to a few days with real vacation time added on, weather. Cons for the OPs purpose, California is very large and the regions are very different. Farmland is either inland where it is insanely hot and boring or foothills /mountains where fire, flood or mudslide is a risk. |
Anonymous
| Op, it's not about the best place. People move for jobs. People move to start independent lives. |
Anonymous
| For them to love home, you have to have lifelong closeness and respect. I don’t see that in a lot of families. |
Anonymous
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I have 3 daughters 30, 28 and 19 and we've cultivated a close, open family relationship that has kept my girls, 2 still living at home and my oldest who's married with kids living in the apartment above us
Dh and I have made our home and family a safe space where our dd's know that they came come to us for anything and we will not judge them and offer help when needed. We've kept up the same holiday traditions from when they were little to even now that our family has grown and partners have entered. No matter what they know this is there home and can enjoy it and live/come home whenever they want. |
Anonymous
| Stay married. By a ski house with a separate room for each kid. Ski in, ski out, if you can swing it. You'll see them every work break during ski season. |
Anonymous
| If they ski |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
My DH left California for the East Coast after college and never looked back. |
Anonymous
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OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.
Here's what makes a difference for me: *** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal. *** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc. *** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person. *** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad. *** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period. *** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower. *** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you. *** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever. *** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit. |
Anonymous
+1 That and some good night sleep. OP hasn't lived through teen years yet and she's is hallucinating! LOL. |
Anonymous
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Things that make we want to spend more time at my parents house - clean and not a ton of clutter, guest room and bathroom. No smoking or other bad odors.
FWIW, I grew up in CA, left 30 years ago for DC and a few years ago my parents moved to the DC area because the central valley heat and fire threat got to be too much for them. California is not Nirvana. |
Anonymous
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OP if you still have parents or ILs who are still alive, do you enjoy or even look forward to visiting them? If not, why not? Think about what has and has not worked for you and/or DH instead of asking strangers.
And stop focusing on physical things. |
Anonymous
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It's crazy that you think living in California is what matters. What matters is that your location is reasonably pleasant, and reasonably convenient to wherever they end up living. Nobody ever said "Yay, Christmas in Fresno again!", right? You need to be more open-minded that your children as adults may be quite different from you, and not like the things you like.
What matters to young adults is TIME. If you are demanding of their time, they won't like you. If you respect and value their time, they will. |
Anonymous
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I think you are thinking about this all wrong. You don't want your adult kids to want to come "home" you want them to want to spend time with you and want you in their lives in an active way. In an even more "ideal" life, they won't live far when they are adults and therefore would never need to "return home" when they are grown ups -- just want to come over to hang.
I've thought a lot about this and here are my thoughts -- 1. Are you raising your kids in a community that feels like a place they would want to raise their kids? Will they look back on your town/community/city and say "I had an ideal childhood and I want that for my kids " 2. Are your children close? I find that the closest families have adult children who are best friends (and spouses enter the chat as best friends too) 3. Do you make it EASY for your adult children? If they have kids -- do you have a room set up for their kids? A high chair/ crib when they are little.. maybe bunk bed/toys when they get older. 4. Last and most importantly... do you treat their significant others like they are your children, with love and respect? |