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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
[b]*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal. 
[/b]
*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.[/quote]

My mom sounds like OP and desperately wants me to cling to her. As I've told her many times, I'm not comfortable being in their house with my mentally ill and abusive dad who refuses to get therapy. She is devastated but will do absolutely nothing to make time to see me without him present. If she wanted me around, the very best thing she could ever do is divorce. So I disagree with PP here. It depends on the situation. [/quote]

[b]Okay but if you were still spending time with your dad, that would come out of your vacation time. [/b]And if your mom got a new partner who was also awful, divorce wouldn't have made anything better for you or her. [/quote]

I wouldn't spend time with my dad because he is abusive, mentally ill man who refuses treatment.

I would not assume that my mom would get another abusive partner. Much less one who would promptly move in. And in any event, if she chose another partner and who that partner is is speculative. All I know is that my dad is a POS I don't want to be around. So long as they're a package deal, she won't get many visits with me. 
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