I want them to love home

[Anonymous]

I can tell you why I did NOT like coming home.

I was the last to marry and don't have kids. My siblings with kids were prioritized over me. I was told there was no room for me at the house (five bedrooms) unless I wanted to sleep on the couch where someone inevitably watched TV till midnight and someone else inevitably woke up and hung out there starting at 6am. There were no hotels nearby unless you drove thirty minutes and those were of the crappy Days Inn variety where drug deals were probably going on next door. I was told where I slept did not matter since I was single / did not have kids.

Sheets on bed not necessarily clean so I'd always have to wash and dry sheets after traveling there before being able to go to sleep.

House was not in good shape. Always a leak in a shower or a toilet not working so we had to crowd into one or two bathrooms.

So:

-Each of your adult children should score at least one bedroom, even if they don't get married and have kids.
-Make sure all the plumbing, HVAC, etc, stays working.
-Clean sheets on bed.
-Be willing to put people up at hotels if there are nice ones nearby.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people here are emphasizing having the space for adult kids to visit and keeping their bedrooms the same.

Not necessarily true.

My parents have a 1 bedroom apartment in Manhattan.

When we visit, our daughter stays with them. We stay in a hotel.

We see them a lot and frankly, I’d much rather visit them in Manhattan than in a big suburban house where there’s nothing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already feel sorry for OP’s future DIL/SILs.

Momma Beckham 🤣😩

[Anonymous]

I would mirror a lot of the great responses above, wherein it is important to have comfortable spaces and not be too rigid or stand on formality. The visiting adults would want a comfortable sleeping space with some privacy and the freedom to go out and visit with other people or do some other activities. It also helps to ask and then stock their favorite snacks/tea/coffee etc.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's essential that it be the same childhood home. Childhood homes can carry a lot of emotional baggage that may not be pleasant, and if the childhood home is inconvenient to their present lives, too small or lacks infrastructure, or unsuitable for you as a homeowner, those are very serious problems.

[Anonymous]

The worst is when a parent divorces and then there are stepsiblings or half siblings. Every time you come "home" you're having to deal with people you barely know, who you might never have chosen and would be fine never seeing again. But there's pressure to be a happy family and get along, so you try. Ideally everyone is friendly and cordial, but it's not the same thing as really being "home" and feeling you can relax or have some candid conversations among actual family. It's an obligation that people do out of love for their parents, but it isn't very enjoyable or relaxing. Everyone knows it isn't real and would likely go poof if the parents divorced or one of them died.

It's especially bad if the new wife doesn't like that the dad had a first-round family and wants to pretend her family is the one and only "real" family. Some men are all too willing to give up on their first kids if that's what it takes to be married, unfortunately. They let their wives monopolize their time and gradually edge out their own kids in favor of the wife's kids and grandkids. There's really no "home" at all if that happens. So you, OP, the mom, need to bear all of this in mind and be sensitive to it if you end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married. By a ski house with a separate room for each kid. Ski in, ski out, if you can swing it. You'll see them every work break during ski season.

Don’t ever, ever buy a second home assuming your adult children are going to want to use it. Horrible advice.

Why? My parents bought a mountain home, and my siblings and I are there for about 15 weeks a year, since it's nice in summer, fall, and winter. I think they'd say it was the best purchase they ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married. By a ski house with a separate room for each kid. Ski in, ski out, if you can swing it. You'll see them every work break during ski season.

Don’t ever, ever buy a second home assuming your adult children are going to want to use it. Horrible advice.

Why? My parents bought a mountain home, and my siblings and I are there for about 15 weeks a year, since it's nice in summer, fall, and winter. I think they'd say it was the best purchase they ever made.

I meant between us, a kid and grandkids are visiting 15 weeks a year. Not that we are all there 15 weeks a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

This is a really great list.

+1 So very good. I’m ready for this PP’s podcast!

[Anonymous]

It seems grown kids want to be pampered and spoiled by retired parents as a price of keeping a connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems grown kids want to be pampered and spoiled by retired parents as a price of keeping a connection.

OP asked what would make them "love home". Not what would make them keep a connection at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

This is a really great list.

+1 So very good. I’m ready for this PP’s podcast!

Thank you. I'm blushing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems grown kids want to be pampered and spoiled by retired parents as a price of keeping a connection.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

First Place response.

[Anonymous]

Most importantly, if you want them to visit or invite you to visit, build a good relationship with their spouse.