I want them to love home

[Anonymous]

-You be the flexible one. Your door is always open, they can come whenever they want for as long or short a time as they want. Decorating is much less important than making your home easy for them. When they have babies and little ones ask them for a list of specific items to buy (extra car sets, strollers, bassinet/crib/high chair) so they don’t have to lug everything and it’s baby proofed to THEIR standards.

-Don’t move to a place that is far away, difficult to travel to, and is boring for a family

-If you can afford it, foot the bill for travel

Bottom line, make it easy and low stress for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more about how much fun you and your kids have together OP, along with having enough to space to live comfortably.

Also, decorate your home in a cozy warm way, stay away from all the whites and grays.

White and grays, now there’s the real issue.

Ironically, my parents decorated their house in this medium brown and puke green color combo and I hated it. All of it. The second I moved into my own place I bought white furniture, and I now LOVE white with a couple of shades of blue, or grey with lavender. White and gray are awesome!

[Anonymous]

So I’m going to be devils advocate and say if you love them don’t make home so comfortable that they struggle to find happiness on their own.

It’s one thing if you live in a HCOL area where its advantageous for their career and they decide to live at home for a few years to save money or afford to work entry level until they get promoted. It’s quite another if they stagnant at home because it’s sooo comfortable.

College transitions can be rough for kids who had a huge bedroom, decked out with great furniture and tech private bathroom with a rec room and backyard with small resort amenities etc to move into college dorms. Dorms are way worse now at many schools with singles becoming doubles, doubles becoming triples. Don’t make the gap even harder.

I know it’s a trend for some boomers and GenX to size up with a resort style house in the hopes of snagging as many visits and holidays as possible. It really doesn’t always work for them.

My plan is to downsize in a city we like, have three bedrooms so they have a place if something happens, but not make the house itself a destination. I’d rather give them money so they can own their own homes and pay for vacations with separate hotel rooms.

[Anonymous]

This thread isn't about keeping them dependent at home but about making home inviting for visits of independent grown kids who flew away.

[Anonymous]

It's a MUCH better idea to focus on being a good parent for now. It will contribute to what you need in the most substantial way, and is important anyway.

[Anonymous]

Yeeessss…..
I agree that you should move to California 🏖️……especially considering the weather there is always perfect.

But I also think that good, home cooking will bring anyone back home so if you are a great cook and can cook some good comfort food for your kids, they will always look forward to returning home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more about how much fun you and your kids have together OP, along with having enough to space to live comfortably.

Also, decorate your home in a cozy warm way, stay away from all the whites and grays.

😂😂😂 @ Whites and Gray

[Anonymous]

If you are thinking that far ahead, think about how you are going to live as an empty nester so your happiness is not tied to latching on your adult children. They will have lives of their own, work, significant others, maybe kids. The last thing they need is your guilt tripping about visiting often because you spent all that money and effort on your farm animals.

[Anonymous]

You're going to see them less if you have a lot of animals. They won't want to visit you as much as you want them to, or they won't have enough vacation time. So you will need to go to them. And who will take care of your animals while you are gone?

I really doubt they'll want to do barn chores twice a day when they visit you. Guess they can just sit around while you deal with the animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeeessss…..
I agree that you should move to California 🏖️……especially considering the weather there is always perfect.

But I also think that good, home cooking will bring anyone back home so if you are a great cook and can cook some good comfort food for your kids, they will always look forward to returning home!

Within reason...you can't live in a shithole even if it's the town where your kids grew up.

I grew up in a depressed PA town and my parents never left. We would arrange for several weeks at a beach house and other vacations where the family would gather including the parents...but we rarely visited them in our hometown. So, it's not that we didn't want to see them, but rather our hometown had nothing to do and it's not like our parents had the energy to plan fun outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

OP, are you sure you’d want this brat to visit if it were your grown up child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

Great list, PP. I would like to add to it -

- Don't have a home which is hoarded, cluttered, needs repair. This is extremely stressful to grown kids.

- Maintain your physical, mental and social health. Adult kids want you to be self-sufficient, healthy and happy. Be a source of strength and support for them. Don't make them feel guilt, fear and anxiety when they see you. Have your own life, friends, travel plans etc.

- If you travel a lot. Share your travel calendar and itinerary with your kids. My AC have visited us at our vacation locations when we rented accomodation/car there. If we stay at a location for a longish time - my kids, relatives, friends will come and stay for a few days.

- Get your legal and medical papers in order. Be equal and equitable with all kids. Discuss your will with all kids together and keep on improving it for a long time until everyone feels satisfied. You want the siblings to like and support each other. This will happen if all your children feel equally loved by you and one part of it is to get equal inheritance. What does it mean? Whatever your children agree to after much discussion and debate.

- Have your boundaries very clear. I don't have pets and I don't like pets in my house. My adult kids know that and they also decided not to keep pets. If you are ok with pets then you need to understand that there maybe a grandkid or SO who don't like pets, allergic to pets or scared of pets.

- Don't get into bean counting with your DIL or SIL side of the family. Especially during holidays. Don't go creating drama.

- At least be open to listening to your kids concern about your eldercare and think of creative solutions before you are in a dire strait.

[Anonymous]

My widowed friend sold her large house, and jointly bought largish homes with her two kids in a good school district. She has an independent suite in these houses and name on the deeds as co-owner. She takes turns living in each of these homes. She does not have to care about the maintenance of the home, grounds, utilities etc. She has become a minimalist. She has her own space, she has enabled her kids to buy homes in good school district which they could have not done on their own at a young age, she is close with her grandkids, and she has given her children their inheritance and a leg up while she is still living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

My mom sounds like OP and desperately wants me to cling to her. As I've told her many times, I'm not comfortable being in their house with my mentally ill and abusive dad who refuses to get therapy. She is devastated but will do absolutely nothing to make time to see me without him present. If she wanted me around, the very best thing she could ever do is divorce. So I disagree with PP here. It depends on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your list is deranged. Living in California will be a major, major down side if your kids end up on the East Coast. I think you are imagining your adult children as toddlers who love water play and pets and need to run around. You might have grandkids like that, but your adult kids are going to be adults.

Here's what makes a difference for me:
*** Stay married!!! NO new partner trying to work his way in. NO step"siblings". NO pressure to play fake happy family with people you barely know! This is a huge deal.

*** When you have grandkids, thoroughly baby-proof your house so your kids aren't on guard for toddler safety the whole time. Get up-to-date baby stuff so that your kids don't have to bring it all with them. Have the right size diapers, a non-expired car seat, etc.

*** Make yourself aware of modern parenting trends so that you don't accidentally do something that is no longer okay. Be apprised of food rules, the latest thinking on discipline, etc. You will think all this is crazy, but it will really help you in getting along and being a relaxing and happy place to visit, rather than a place where your children feel judged and feel like if they turn their head for a moment you'll do something unsafe. And don't be judgmental if your grandchildren have special needs that affect their social behavior. Accept it. Be the accepting person in their lives, not the critical, blaming person.

*** Get a hearing aid when you need one! It's so tiresome to have to repeat myself because of my dad's vanity and denial. He can't understand what his grandchildren say, at all, and he doesn't care. It makes me so sad.

*** Don't move somewhere remote and expect them to visit because it's pretty or has skiing or whatever. They only have so many vacation days and if it's hard to get to, you'll get less visit, period.

*** Have good sleeping arrangements so that people get a good night's sleep, or don't pitch a fit when they get a hotel. I hate coming home from "vacation" more tired than I was when I started out. Have a good enough water heater for everyone to shower.

*** Be flexible about scheduling. Don't insist on Christmas or whatever on the actual calendar day. Be the easier and more flexible person in their lives and it will make it easier for them to visit you.

*** Allow them to go out and enjoy the area and see their childhood friends, do not pout if you don't get 100% of their time and attention during the visit. These social connections will help them motivate to come to your area. Similarly don't insist that everyone stand on ceremony in the living room the whole time. Let people take breaks, rest, nap telework, whatever.

*** Food should be good but you shouldn't be spending a lot of time stressing out in the kitchen or making your cooking timeline dominate the schedule. My mom is great with this-- all dinners are pre-made by her (like, a lasagna that she made and froze), and all lunches are good quality bread and cheese and charcuterie plus a soup and salad. Not a lot of actual cooking during the visit.

My mom sounds like OP and desperately wants me to cling to her. As I've told her many times, I'm not comfortable being in their house with my mentally ill and abusive dad who refuses to get therapy. She is devastated but will do absolutely nothing to make time to see me without him present. If she wanted me around, the very best thing she could ever do is divorce. So I disagree with PP here. It depends on the situation.

Okay but if you were still spending time with your dad, that would come out of your vacation time. And if your mom got a new partner who was also awful, divorce wouldn't have made anything better for you or her.