Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

If it’s any consolation to you….I felt similarly about my ex and the lack of attention paid to the kids on his custody time. I never said anything to the kids about it. But, I made sure that on my time I was paying attention to them and making them feel seen. As they got older they said some very astute things about his behavior, and I walked a tricky line of receiving their comments and making them feel validated without gaslighting them that dad was a great guy and without saying dad was horrible. As they got older, they started declining to spend time with him of their own accord - not always, but in situations and with people that didn’t suit them.

Today, as young adults, of course, they love him and want to have a relationship with him, but they also see who he is very clearly and the ways in which he has taken advantage of the people around him, which includes the fact that he really didn’t spend time with them when younger. (took no custody, travelled for work a lot and made no effort to talk to them while away, etc.)

My kids survived and are lovely people, even though it was obviously painful for them.

BTW, I also played the long game with him. Offered him 50/50 custody but basically was amenable to taking the kids without complaint whenever he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). I never wanted my kids to feel like their parents were each fighting to force the other to take them. I ended up with de facto full physical custody and his “visitation” turned into a quick hour for dinner at a restaurant during the week (often cancelled and only when not on work travel) and a few hours one weekend day.

At the end of the day all he wanted was to maintain his “good dad” image because he used it to convince others that he was a good guy, which was part of a bigger manipulation to use people for his own ends. As long as I didn’t criticize him for not seeing the kids, he was content to not see them.

For those who might flame me - you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. He is solely responsible for his relationship with his kids. He is a grown man & it is not my place to coach him into being a better father - that is just wasted energy that I should devote to my own relationship with my kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s not going to give up 50:50, too much $$ and pride at stake. Just offer to take the child more often when he travels. It may seem unfair but it’s reality. Alternatively find him a local babysitter that you like.

She's not going to give 50-50 out of spite, pride and money. Why should he not get his kids equally? OP can switch weeks. He should not lose time due to work. She benefits from his income as do the kids. If he takes a 30% pay cut, is she ok with that reduction as it impacts her?

OP catching back up on this thread.

If I could never see him again and could get zero child support but guaranteed that my DC wouldn’t have to see him unless DC wanted to, I would’ve very happy with that arrangement.

Also a 30% pay cut would not impact me nor child support. Child support is set at a certain amount and not tired to income unless he sought modification and even if he did, 70% of a bajillion dollars is still a lot of money. The only person who thinks this is about money is exDH.

OP, there is someone on this forum that HATES mothers and responding to them is a waste of time. Good luck with this tough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

Bolded above is the classic ignorant dumb comment and viewpoint from people who have ZERO clue about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship. Take your ignorance elsewhere, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s not going to give up 50:50, too much $$ and pride at stake. Just offer to take the child more often when he travels. It may seem unfair but it’s reality. Alternatively find him a local babysitter that you like.

She's not going to give 50-50 out of spite, pride and money. Why should he not get his kids equally? OP can switch weeks. He should not lose time due to work. She benefits from his income as do the kids. If he takes a 30% pay cut, is she ok with that reduction as it impacts her?

OP catching back up on this thread.

If I could never see him again and could get zero child support but guaranteed that my DC wouldn’t have to see him unless DC wanted to, I would’ve very happy with that arrangement.

Also a 30% pay cut would not impact me nor child support. Child support is set at a certain amount and not tired to income unless he sought modification and even if he did, 70% of a bajillion dollars is still a lot of money. The only person who thinks this is about money is exDH.

OP, there is someone on this forum that HATES mothers and responding to them is a waste of time. Good luck with this tough time.

Yes, this. That trolls (or trolls) is pathetic and doesn't deserve one iota of time or response.

[Anonymous]

Play the long game, OP.

His plan is idiotic and won't work.

Just like 80 percent of cases, you will have main custody. He will ditch his kid when a a new piece of A-- comes around.

[Anonymous]

Here’s how I would play it:

Agree to 50/50 custody. Be super accommodating and understanding—especially in the beginning. You want him to let his guard down. Realistically, there’s no way that this elderly woman is going to be able to fly across the world once a month. When her flight is delayed, you graciously offer to take the kids. No fights, no I told you so, just happy and supportive. Meticulously track of all of these overnights in a court approved parenting app.

Once you have 6 months to a year of documented overnights during his custody time, file to amend custody to what is actually happening. Ask your lawyer how long you should document, but generally courts are very good about making these types of adjustments.

Play the long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

Bolded above is the classic ignorant dumb comment and viewpoint from people who have ZERO clue about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship. Take your ignorance elsewhere, PP.

STFU. OP started this thread wanting to control her ex and what he does with his custody. When she didn’t get the support she expected she decided to start bread crumbing details to gain more sympathy. There’s no abuse here, just someone scorned that her ex surprised her with a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 12+ years down this road and I will say that right of first refusal is the dumbest next to no living with non-married partners of the clauses that I put in our documents. The reason I say it's dumb is there is zero ability to enforce it. It just causes more arguments and, frankly, stress. Especially when the other person has no intention of following court documents they signed.

yeah I had this in the first drafts of my agreements and quickly realized it was not going to serve any purpose. However … OP may be an example where it is warranted even if one sided especially if the child is very young, due to his regular travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

Bolded above is the classic ignorant dumb comment and viewpoint from people who have ZERO clue about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship. Take your ignorance elsewhere, PP.

STFU. OP started this thread wanting to control her ex and what he does with his custody. When she didn’t get the support she expected she decided to start bread crumbing details to gain more sympathy. There’s no abuse here, just someone scorned that her ex surprised her with a divorce.

A kid isn’t a possession that you can do whatever you want with on your custody time. His plan to keep his travel schedule the same but demand 50-50 isn’t tenable and a court likely wouldn’t see it as in the child’s best interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he doesn’t plan to remarry quickly? Then the new wife would simply continue instead of grandma.

This is the most pressing concern. The grandmother is red herring. He could easily be planning to have a girlfriend watch the kids while he travels.

You should definitely ask for right of first refusal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

Bolded above is the classic ignorant dumb comment and viewpoint from people who have ZERO clue about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship. Take your ignorance elsewhere, PP.

STFU. OP started this thread wanting to control her ex and what he does with his custody. When she didn’t get the support she expected she decided to start bread crumbing details to gain more sympathy. There’s no abuse here, just someone scorned that her ex surprised her with a divorce.

A kid isn’t a possession that you can do whatever you want with on your custody time. His plan to keep his travel schedule the same but demand 50-50 isn’t tenable and a court likely wouldn’t see it as in the child’s best interests.

Zero chance he won’t get 50/50. If he’s as devious as OP claims he can very easily claim his job no longer requires travel until the custody order is finalized. As OP said, she won’t be able to seek a modification for 2 years. This is one of many reasons that most reasonable posters have told OP to not and try and fight this if her actual goal is spending more time with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he doesn’t plan to remarry quickly? Then the new wife would simply continue instead of grandma.

This is the most pressing concern. The grandmother is red herring. He could easily be planning to have a girlfriend watch the kids while he travels.

You should definitely ask for right of first refusal.

I agree. I think the ex may get 50/50 (it's presumed in many places, including where I am) but there should be a right of first refusal clause in there. The child should defenitely be with a parent if the other one is away. And the ex would still have 50/50. OP, you could set the ROFR for 8 hours, so if exdh leaves to travel, it would trigger it, but if your mom is watching dc for a few hours, it won't.

There is no reason mil should be caring for dc if a parent is available. It's in dc's best interest to have time with both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

If it’s any consolation to you….I felt similarly about my ex and the lack of attention paid to the kids on his custody time. I never said anything to the kids about it. But, I made sure that on my time I was paying attention to them and making them feel seen. As they got older they said some very astute things about his behavior, and I walked a tricky line of receiving their comments and making them feel validated without gaslighting them that dad was a great guy and without saying dad was horrible. As they got older, they started declining to spend time with him of their own accord - not always, but in situations and with people that didn’t suit them.

Today, as young adults, of course, they love him and want to have a relationship with him, but they also see who he is very clearly and the ways in which he has taken advantage of the people around him, which includes the fact that he really didn’t spend time with them when younger. (took no custody, travelled for work a lot and made no effort to talk to them while away, etc.)

My kids survived and are lovely people, even though it was obviously painful for them.

BTW, I also played the long game with him. Offered him 50/50 custody but basically was amenable to taking the kids without complaint whenever he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). I never wanted my kids to feel like their parents were each fighting to force the other to take them. I ended up with de facto full physical custody and his “visitation” turned into a quick hour for dinner at a restaurant during the week (often cancelled and only when not on work travel) and a few hours one weekend day.

At the end of the day all he wanted was to maintain his “good dad” image because he used it to convince others that he was a good guy, which was part of a bigger manipulation to use people for his own ends. As long as I didn’t criticize him for not seeing the kids, he was content to not see them.

For those who might flame me - you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. He is solely responsible for his relationship with his kids. He is a grown man & it is not my place to coach him into being a better father - that is just wasted energy that I should devote to my own relationship with my kids.

Your smug attitude tells me you aren’t the great parent you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he doesn’t plan to remarry quickly? Then the new wife would simply continue instead of grandma.

This is the most pressing concern. The grandmother is red herring. He could easily be planning to have a girlfriend watch the kids while he travels.

You should definitely ask for right of first refusal.

I agree. I think the ex may get 50/50 (it's presumed in many places, including where I am) but there should be a right of first refusal clause in there. The child should defenitely be with a parent if the other one is away. And the ex would still have 50/50. OP, you could set the ROFR for 8 hours, so if exdh leaves to travel, it would trigger it, but if your mom is watching dc for a few hours, it won't.

There is no reason mil should be caring for dc if a parent is available. It's in dc's best interest to have time with both parents.

I doubt that a parent that is going to be foreseeably absent during their sought after custody time would actually get it for sure. This is a question for OP’s lawyer.