Do you judge other women based on the social status of their husbands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and it makes me really sad that people are even thinking about this in 2025. I feel like we are regressing - and rapidly!

The only thing that is regressing is women who don't have jobs who are happy being a housewife in 2025, who never had or wanted a real job, and who don't have anything interesting to talk abou. That absolutely deserves judgment in 2025.

My best friend from college was a stay at home spouse. Not even stay at home mom. She had depression and this is how she managed it. She had a wonderful marriage and eventually two amazing kids. A few years ago, after her kids were more independent, she did get a job working in the school system.

She's an introvert and perhaps not super interesting to you. But she created an incredible, loving family, with happy, stable, and now successful kids. She has always been a steadfast friend.

Nobody knows everyone's story. We should be trying to support one another, not beating them down.

I was very close to a stay at home wife. I didn’t prod but it seemed like they were both immigrants from Australia and he was the only one legal to work, so that’s why she didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t judge because I realized about five years later that this whole time I thought of her solely as “wife” they had been privately struggling with living far from relatives and battling miscarriages. They went on to return to their homeland and have four healthy kids after treating the (rare) fertility problem.

You don’t know the details of peoples’ lives so don’t judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

I'm a guy, and a lawyer, and a litigator, and at a social function I'd rather talk about "vacays" or anything else on God's green earth but the "big case I'm working on."

Haha, same. I am a female lawyer and the only time I talk about work is if I’m actively trying to get out of a conversation with someone who’s annoying.

Really? I love talking about work in a social setting. I like listening to stories about crazy stuff that happened and getting the gossip on coworkers.

[Anonymous]

I've been asked this but not at a dinner party. I was at a chiropractor and gave him my card which had a State emblem on it because I worked for the state. And he asked me what my husband did.

[Anonymous]

As a physician my best friend makes good money and is considered professionally successful but with three failed marriages, two estranged adult kids and a lonely life, she considers herself a colossal failure. All three of her husbands were also very successful on paper. Definition of success is very subjective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't like to think of there being such a thing as a "marriage market" in a country without a culture of arranged marriages, where most marry for love (or convenience ... or desperation ... or whatever un-arranged thing) -- but it is very much there. People who are a 10 don't marry a 6. Meaning -- in market terms --people who are a 6 can't afford a 10. We could argue for pages and pages on this thread about what makes someone a 10 vs a 6, and never agree, but, nevertheless, I'm pretty sure everyone here could tell the difference between a 10 and a 6.

Married people are a social unit. One can drag the other down, status-wise and can do so for whatever reason -- an old money man with a fancy job and perfect style can drag you right the hell down if he's drunk at social functions, or god forbid says something misogynist or racists or just profoundly stupid in mixed company or whatever. You are wanting to ignore this kind of thing, with this "not his personality ... just money, family background and job status" stuff. But you really can't. Although, admittedly, those with money, high-status family background and an excellent career don't tend to have poor social skills; but it happens. And those folks are not going to find a partner that is on the same level as the one they could have married if their manners/personality were at par.

But more importantly -- what do you mean by "judge"? Am I whispering behind my female doctor neighbor's back because she's married to a man who is a hs schoolteacher whose father visited recently and belched in front of people and said something xenophobic? No. Not at all. Am I noticing it? Yes. Low status job and bad family background. And subconsciously ... marriage is a market. If your DH is a 5, you are not going to be seen as an 8. You are a 6, or a 7 at best. Everyone knows this, and sees it, whether they've ever thought about it to this extent or even at all. So yeah ... we are all judging married people based on their spouse's "status," all the time. But like I said, "the external social status based on money, family background, and job status" you mention is just part of it.

Anyone who says they don't is lying as this happens to a large extent at the subconscious level.

You think a high school teacher is a low status job? Jeez, do you tell your kid's teachers that? I'm not a teacher but I certainly respect the job. I couldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

I'm a guy, and a lawyer, and a litigator, and at a social function I'd rather talk about "vacays" or anything else on God's green earth but the "big case I'm working on."

I'm a woman, and a lawyer, and if someone at a social function used the word vacay I'd be done with that conversation. I agree with you that I don't want to talk about work, and I appreciate you putting the word in quotes. Do adults really talk like that?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it would occur to me to judge a woman based on the "social status" of her husband. I am UMC and grew up UMC. My mom worked full time in a male-dominated industry and so do I. A lot of my friend's moms worked. I expect everyone (men and women) to be judged on their own merits. I'm a lawyer in a big firm and I can't imagine the notion of judging the spouses of the men I work with based on the fact that their husbands earn seven-figures a year. What does that have to do with the women? They're no nicer, or meaner, no smarter, or dumber, no kinder, or selfish because of who they're married to.

[Anonymous]

Women who aren't able to socially engage no matter worker bees and home bees alike are smug failures themselves who can't see far from their own noses. They are boring and rather hide their insecurities in their personal or professional bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it would occur to me to judge a woman based on the "social status" of her husband. I am UMC and grew up UMC. My mom worked full time in a male-dominated industry and so do I. A lot of my friend's moms worked. I expect everyone (men and women) to be judged on their own merits. I'm a lawyer in a big firm and I can't imagine the notion of judging the spouses of the men I work with based on the fact that their husbands earn seven-figures a year. What does that have to do with the women? They're no nicer, or meaner, no smarter, or dumber, no kinder, or selfish because of who they're married to.

In our society every individual has several layers and each one is judged equally. Their origin, their education, their profession, their spouse, their kids, their social status, social circle, etc etc. You can't get A+ based on a good career or a good spouse.

That being said, we don't really need to judge and rate ourselves or others. Evolution is an ongoing process and we've long way to go.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of men and women put way too much emphasis on what people do for work. Who cares if someone is a SAHM? I find peoples hobbies and interests far more interesting than their boring job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it would occur to me to judge a woman based on the "social status" of her husband. I am UMC and grew up UMC. My mom worked full time in a male-dominated industry and so do I. A lot of my friend's moms worked. I expect everyone (men and women) to be judged on their own merits. I'm a lawyer in a big firm and I can't imagine the notion of judging the spouses of the men I work with based on the fact that their husbands earn seven-figures a year. What does that have to do with the women? They're no nicer, or meaner, no smarter, or dumber, no kinder, or selfish because of who they're married to.

In our society every individual has several layers and each one is judged equally. Their origin, their education, their profession, their spouse, their kids, their social status, social circle, etc etc. You can't get A+ based on a good career or a good spouse.

That being said, we don't really need to judge and rate ourselves or others. Evolution is an ongoing process and we've long way to go.

Maybe in your society. Thankfully not in mine.

[Anonymous]

I’m not surprised that the responses overwhelmingly say that the poster doesn’t judge. People know it’s ugly and so many are the not even conscious about it. But judging happens on DCUM everyday. People keep it in better check in real life. But it’s pretty to avoid circles where it is overt.

[Anonymous]

I am married to the most successful man in our circles. I do not work.

I sometimes meet women who I think are fabulous and then meet their less than husbands and wonder why they married them. The men are usually not great in all categories- looks, education, job and often don’t treat the women well and do not even contribute to the house in terms of help. I just wonder why such a wonderful women settled for such a not so great man. This is absolutely not the same as someone who just doesn’t earn as much.

[Anonymous]

Most of the very successful women I know married less successful husbands. Over time though, those husbands have become more successful just bc they are men, although still not as successful as the wives.

A few married more successful men who are still more successful.

A couple did not marry. A couple married successful aholes and some of those are now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't like to think of there being such a thing as a "marriage market" in a country without a culture of arranged marriages, where most marry for love (or convenience ... or desperation ... or whatever un-arranged thing) -- but it is very much there. People who are a 10 don't marry a 6. Meaning -- in market terms --people who are a 6 can't afford a 10. We could argue for pages and pages on this thread about what makes someone a 10 vs a 6, and never agree, but, nevertheless, I'm pretty sure everyone here could tell the difference between a 10 and a 6.

Married people are a social unit. One can drag the other down, status-wise and can do so for whatever reason -- an old money man with a fancy job and perfect style can drag you right the hell down if he's drunk at social functions, or god forbid says something misogynist or racists or just profoundly stupid in mixed company or whatever. You are wanting to ignore this kind of thing, with this "not his personality ... just money, family background and job status" stuff. But you really can't. Although, admittedly, those with money, high-status family background and an excellent career don't tend to have poor social skills; but it happens. And those folks are not going to find a partner that is on the same level as the one they could have married if their manners/personality were at par.

But more importantly -- what do you mean by "judge"? Am I whispering behind my female doctor neighbor's back because she's married to a man who is a hs schoolteacher whose father visited recently and belched in front of people and said something xenophobic? No. Not at all. Am I noticing it? Yes. Low status job and bad family background. And subconsciously ... marriage is a market. If your DH is a 5, you are not going to be seen as an 8. You are a 6, or a 7 at best. Everyone knows this, and sees it, whether they've ever thought about it to this extent or even at all. So yeah ... we are all judging married people based on their spouse's "status," all the time. But like I said, "the external social status based on money, family background, and job status" you mention is just part of it.

Anyone who says they don't is lying as this happens to a large extent at the subconscious level.

Not everyone is as stupid and shallow as you.

But sadly here in the DC metro most people are.