Do you judge other women based on the social status of their husbands?

[Anonymous]

Here's some judging for you: I believe that most of the obnoxious posts on this thread are from our new NYC posters.

[Anonymous]

Not quite the same thing, but there’s a woman at our neighborhood pool that is really homely and rude but her husband is super hot. A lot of the other moms only befriend her because they want to be near him. She has more people around her not because she’s friendly - she’s not - but because they all want to flirt with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let's try not to whenever we are about to judge anyone for anything.

That's right. Never judge anyone for anything!

Difficult but conscious effort helps. I hope eventually it becomes a second nature.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think I judge. Come to think of it, I am not sure I know the profession of many friendly female acquaintances (you know the types you have their phone number but aren’t really long standing friends). Obviously if I have met their husbands I usually know what they do. But acquaintances at work that I chat with or moms who I am friendly with - I am not sure I know (or maybe I once knew but don’t remember). I do know stuff about them that their wives share. Two I heard this week as examples: “DH has coached soccer every year since my oldest was 5 and I have no idea what he is going to do with his free time now that youngest has no longer wants to play”. Or “DH is currently into coffee roasting and while I don’t love the smell, it’s great getting his coffee every morning”. I don’t know what either DH does for a profession. So I couldn’t judge the wives on their husbands social status if I wanted to.

Same. I don't know what any of my bookclub members' DHs do for a living. I also don't know what many of my female coworkers' DHs do. To be clear, I could not care less what they do; it's not important information to me.

I was surprised by the comments where people said they asked what the spouse did or were asked about their DH. I have never asked that question. It may have been asked of me by a stranger making small talk who has run of topics.

I'm SAHM and no one ever asked me about my DH's career. Some people do judge me for leaving my lucrative career but its not an issue and most of my close friends are dedicated professionals.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:People don't like to think of there being such a thing as a "marriage market" in a country without a culture of arranged marriages, where most marry for love (or convenience ... or desperation ... or whatever un-arranged thing) -- but it is very much there. People who are a 10 don't marry a 6. Meaning -- in market terms --people who are a 6 can't afford a 10. We could argue for pages and pages on this thread about what makes someone a 10 vs a 6, and never agree, but, nevertheless, I'm pretty sure everyone here could tell the difference between a 10 and a 6.

Married people are a social unit. One can drag the other down, status-wise and can do so for whatever reason -- an old money man with a fancy job and perfect style can drag you right the hell down if he's drunk at social functions, or god forbid says something misogynist or racists or just profoundly stupid in mixed company or whatever. You are wanting to ignore this kind of thing, with this "not his personality ... just money, family background and job status" stuff. But you really can't. Although, admittedly, those with money, high-status family background and an excellent career don't tend to have poor social skills; but it happens. And those folks are not going to find a partner that is on the same level as the one they could have married if their manners/personality were at par.

But more importantly -- what do you mean by "judge"? Am I whispering behind my female doctor neighbor's back because she's married to a man who is a hs schoolteacher whose father visited recently and belched in front of people and said something xenophobic? No. Not at all. Am I noticing it? Yes. Low status job and bad family background. And subconsciously ... marriage is a market. If your DH is a 5, you are not going to be seen as an 8. You are a 6, or a 7 at best. Everyone knows this, and sees it, whether they've ever thought about it to this extent or even at all. So yeah ... we are all judging married people based on their spouse's "status," all the time. But like I said, "the external social status based on money, family background, and job status" you mention is just part of it.

Anyone who says they don't is lying as this happens to a large extent at the subconscious level.

Jumps out at me that you said a teacher is a low status job.

No one wants to admit it is, because it isn’t PC to do so. But that DH schoolteacher couldn’t afford a two bedroom apartment in the area where they have a house thanks to the physician wife’s income. No denying that.

The question is do YOU judge, not society. You obviously do.

Everyone judges pp. even you.

I don’t judge teachers the way you do.

Teacher here. I know I’m judged. I just don’t care.

People who judge are dealing with their own insecurities. The PP who rambled on about 10s not marrying 6s has a lot on his/her plate to deal with. Money and status can’t buy happiness — they simply make you desire more money and status.

I’m confident with my career choices and marriage. If PP wants to judge me… judge away. It doesn’t impact my life any more than the 20 seconds it took me to type this.

Just want to put out there that my kids teachers have all been awesome (elementary school level) and I like them so much and want to impress them so much that I probably look stupid when I talk to them. I make sure I'm wearing a nice outfit for our parent teacher conference, I over compensate with teacher gifts and get larger gift cards than I should, and I constantly remind my kids to respect their teachers and to behave. They're all really cool people, and so confident and good at their jobs. I had a massive crush on both male teachers my kids have had over the years. Most of the parents at our school feel the same way- the teachers are basically celebrities in our town and that's how it should be, IMO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think I judge. Come to think of it, I am not sure I know the profession of many friendly female acquaintances (you know the types you have their phone number but aren’t really long standing friends). Obviously if I have met their husbands I usually know what they do. But acquaintances at work that I chat with or moms who I am friendly with - I am not sure I know (or maybe I once knew but don’t remember). I do know stuff about them that their wives share. Two I heard this week as examples: “DH has coached soccer every year since my oldest was 5 and I have no idea what he is going to do with his free time now that youngest has no longer wants to play”. Or “DH is currently into coffee roasting and while I don’t love the smell, it’s great getting his coffee every morning”. I don’t know what either DH does for a profession. So I couldn’t judge the wives on their husbands social status if I wanted to.

Same. I don't know what any of my bookclub members' DHs do for a living. I also don't know what many of my female coworkers' DHs do. To be clear, I could not care less what they do; it's not important information to me.

I was surprised by the comments where people said they asked what the spouse did or were asked about their DH. I have never asked that question. It may have been asked of me by a stranger making small talk who has run of topics.

I'm SAHM and no one ever asked me about my DH's career. Some people do judge me for leaving my lucrative career but its not an issue and most of my close friends are dedicated professionals.

My husband works late hours so occasionally someone will be like, "what does your husband do again?" when I say he can't make a happy hour or a BBQ. But I have never asked someone else what their husband does because I don't really care. However, if they tell me unprompted that their husband doesn't have a college degree and works a low level job somewhere- like, a nursing assistant- I'd probably think differently of them, mainly because I'd wonder how they ended up together if my friend herself has a law degree or a medical degree or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have all the right education and good looks, but come from a rather broken family. I married someone wonderful, objectively from a much more high status family than mine. If we ever divorce, I don't think I'll ever remarry because the family dynamics have only gotten weirder over time, and I just can't imagine introducing someone. Honestly, most days I can barely cope with the shame of it myself.

Ugh. I'm sorry.

I eloped because I simply could not have a wedding with my family there. It would have been a shameful disaster in some way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same thing, but there’s a woman at our neighborhood pool that is really homely and rude but her husband is super hot. A lot of the other moms only befriend her because they want to be near him. She has more people around her not because she’s friendly - she’s not - but because they all want to flirt with him.

Fiction ^^