Do you judge other women based on the social status of their husbands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

Ugh! That would be a huge turn off for me too. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

To answer the question, no, I don't care. If someone I've become friendly with tells me that their husband is the CEO of whatever company, versus an electrician or something, the only thing that might go through my mind is "must be nice to be rich". Other than that, I wouldn't regard the woman any differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sort of came up in a thread about social status recently, but people were talking in abstract terms about how marital status and the person you marry impacts social status.

But I want to know if you, personally, judge women based on the social status of their husbands. If a woman is married to a guy whose family has money, or who has a higher status career like lawyer/doctor/C-suite/finance, do you think about her differently than you would if she was married to someone with working class parents or a lower status job?

Assume the woman's background, job, appearance, are all the same. Does your perception of her change based on the social status of the person she married? Not his personality or how he treats her or what kind of dad he is, but just the external social status based on money, family background, and job status.

Of course women judge other women based on their perceived social status, including the status of their husbands. That's a favorite hobby of most UMC (UC) women in the USA, especially in big cities. Are you new to the USA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

Details, please. What was your situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

I’m the guy who you think needs sensitivity training. I work at a very large and well known DC law firm, have been there for many years, and have attended more social events with lawyers and spouses over the years that I care to remember. Never once, never have I ever witnessed anything close to what you are describing among either sex or any spouse, male or female. Wherever you work, you are clearly surrounded by a uniquely hostile group of women.

Agree that the situation described by the "lawyer wife" seems strange. In my experience most lawyers are married to other lawyers (or former lawyers who decided to become SAHMs) and are not remotely like what she describes.

Well, yea, and I gotta ask: where does that poster work, 1950? What law firm social events are happening these days where the men gather together and talk about work and the women talk about vacations? I've never been to a law firm social event where the majority of the spouses of the lawyers aren't right by their side and the two of them in tandem work the room. The spouses typically barely know each other, and not only that they're usually very well accomplished and highly educated in their own right whether they're also lawyers or not. They certainly don't get together and start knitting parties like at that poster's law firm events.

But I'm in Biglaw. Maybe it's different?

Big law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

I’m the WOC lawyer who posted above. I don’t think that I am in any better than women who don’t work and/or want to discuss vacation at a social gathering. PP’s made it clear she thought the women were discussing frivolous topics whereas the men were discussing important interesting things.

The resulting reaction is unsurprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

I'm a guy, and a lawyer, and a litigator, and at a social function I'd rather talk about "vacays" or anything else on God's green earth but the "big case I'm working on."

Said like a man who has never been professionally excluded due to sex or race. This is exactly why my job has mandatory bias training— but the white men never listen.

I rarely talk about work outside of the office - I actively avoid it. My job is reasonably high status - but it’s boring and annoying to always be talking and thinking about work. You should try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

I’m a female physician too. I don’t know that other physicians social status really changes depending on who they are married to.
I do think that nurses social status is very different when they are the primary earner vs secondary earner.
A female nurse married to a doctor has a different social status than a female nurse married to a Target manager.
A male nurse married to a female doctor is just annoying. They think they know everything and are generally terrible at following orders.

If you are going to go around practicing medicine you really should learn to check your biases.

I have never come across a female physician who married a male nurse. Rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

Details, please. What was your situation?

At a party with a few other couples. The men all work with DH and I, and I know them from work. But then it starts to feel awkward that I’m not with the women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

I'm a guy, and a lawyer, and a litigator, and at a social function I'd rather talk about "vacays" or anything else on God's green earth but the "big case I'm working on."

Said like a man who has never been professionally excluded due to sex or race. This is exactly why my job has mandatory bias training— but the white men never listen.

Yep. I resent the distraction from being the one who the brings in the real money so the HR ladies can waste everyone’s time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

NP partner in biglaw and yes i'm surprised people are saying they haven't seen this. I happen to work mostly remotely in a smaller town in Florida. When i end up in a situation with new couples, the women all end up in one setting and the men in another. I don't need to talk about work outside the workweek, but the women convo is like vacations and kids and netflix. The men conversation is invariably more interesting for me -- whether the topic or the liveliness. Housewives who don't work and didn't focus on academics are honestly really boring. I almost always would prefer to be amongst the men, but it would be frowned on by the women.

I have had other friends move down here from DC (where we also used to live) and they comment on it too. It's very gendered and sucks.

I of course found girl friends who are interesting and accomplished and i love to talk to them. But your typical mishmash of new couples from around town.... really boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

NP partner in biglaw and yes i'm surprised people are saying they haven't seen this. I happen to work mostly remotely in a smaller town in Florida. When i end up in a situation with new couples, the women all end up in one setting and the men in another. I don't need to talk about work outside the workweek, but the women convo is like vacations and kids and netflix. The men conversation is invariably more interesting for me -- whether the topic or the liveliness. Housewives who don't work and didn't focus on academics are honestly really boring. I almost always would prefer to be amongst the men, but it would be frowned on by the women.

I have had other friends move down here from DC (where we also used to live) and they comment on it too. It's very gendered and sucks.

I of course found girl friends who are interesting and accomplished and i love to talk to them. But your typical mishmash of new couples from around town.... really boring.

Why would you care if it is frowned upon by the women? You are perpetuating the thing you hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

Details, please. What was your situation?

At a party with a few other couples. The men all work with DH and I, and I know them from work. But then it starts to feel awkward that I’m not with the women.

Not even remotely the same.

[Anonymous]

Yeah don’t care.

[Anonymous]

No and it makes me really sad that people are even thinking about this in 2025. I feel like we are regressing - and rapidly!