Do you judge other women based on the social status of their husbands?

[Anonymous]

Interested in knowing what your husbands do for a living.

[Anonymous]

I judge them on their merits. If their only merit is having a successful husband then I don’t hold them in high regard.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

I’m the guy who you think needs sensitivity training. I work at a very large and well known DC law firm, have been there for many years, and have attended more social events with lawyers and spouses over the years that I care to remember. Never once, never have I ever witnessed anything close to what you are describing among either sex or any spouse, male or female. Wherever you work, you are clearly surrounded by a uniquely hostile group of women.

Of course you haven’t. Bet you also believe there isn’t a bunch of racism going on.

That's the best you got?

I think it was pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

Are you unable to politely extricate yourself and join the lawyer talk? Is one of the wives holding you down?

It sounds like you are very unfamiliar with this kind of a situation. Yes, I can extricate myself—and I have. Which leads to nastiness and jealousy from the DWs. The last time I did this one of the wives was staring over at me and loudly saying “Not like other girls!!!”

If you haven’t been in this situation, you probably aren’t going to understand it.

DP. I’ve been in this situation too. I’m surprised at all of the people saying that they have never ever seen anything like this.

Details, please. What was your situation?

At a party with a few other couples. The men all work with DH and I, and I know them from work. But then it starts to feel awkward that I’m not with the women.

Not even remotely the same.

What do you mean? It’s literally exactly the same situation.
The men are talking about work, and because I’m a woman, I get pulled over to the wives.

I don’t hate talking the wives of my coworkers. I like people in general. But it is kind of odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge them on their merits. If their only merit is having a successful husband then I don’t hold them in high regard.

Ability to find and keep a successful partner (man or woman) is as impressive as ability to find and keep a successful career. Not everyone has judgement and drive to find and maintain good relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I judge them on their merits. If their only merit is having a successful husband then I don’t hold them in high regard.

Ability to find and keep a successful partner (man or woman) is as impressive as ability to find and keep a successful career. Not everyone has judgement and drive to find and maintain good relationships.

So it’s as hard to become a neurosurgeon as it is to be married to one? Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't like to think of there being such a thing as a "marriage market" in a country without a culture of arranged marriages, where most marry for love (or convenience ... or desperation ... or whatever un-arranged thing) -- but it is very much there. People who are a 10 don't marry a 6. Meaning -- in market terms --people who are a 6 can't afford a 10. We could argue for pages and pages on this thread about what makes someone a 10 vs a 6, and never agree, but, nevertheless, I'm pretty sure everyone here could tell the difference between a 10 and a 6.

Married people are a social unit. One can drag the other down, status-wise and can do so for whatever reason -- an old money man with a fancy job and perfect style can drag you right the hell down if he's drunk at social functions, or god forbid says something misogynist or racists or just profoundly stupid in mixed company or whatever. You are wanting to ignore this kind of thing, with this "not his personality ... just money, family background and job status" stuff. But you really can't. Although, admittedly, those with money, high-status family background and an excellent career don't tend to have poor social skills; but it happens. And those folks are not going to find a partner that is on the same level as the one they could have married if their manners/personality were at par.

But more importantly -- what do you mean by "judge"? Am I whispering behind my female doctor neighbor's back because she's married to a man who is a hs schoolteacher whose father visited recently and belched in front of people and said something xenophobic? No. Not at all. Am I noticing it? Yes. Low status job and bad family background. And subconsciously ... marriage is a market. If your DH is a 5, you are not going to be seen as an 8. You are a 6, or a 7 at best. Everyone knows this, and sees it, whether they've ever thought about it to this extent or even at all. So yeah ... we are all judging married people based on their spouse's "status," all the time. But like I said, "the external social status based on money, family background, and job status" you mention is just part of it.

Anyone who says they don't is lying as this happens to a large extent at the subconscious level.

Jumps out at me that you said a teacher is a low status job.

DP here. I don't really care that much because my life is fabulous, but I'm curious: what if the dh were the doctor and the wife a teacher? Would it still be perceived the same way if it were just a "passion project" job for a gorgeous trophy wife who wanted to teach because she enjoyed it? Or is it low status for either partner to be a teacher?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't like to think of there being such a thing as a "marriage market" in a country without a culture of arranged marriages, where most marry for love (or convenience ... or desperation ... or whatever un-arranged thing) -- but it is very much there. People who are a 10 don't marry a 6. Meaning -- in market terms --people who are a 6 can't afford a 10. We could argue for pages and pages on this thread about what makes someone a 10 vs a 6, and never agree, but, nevertheless, I'm pretty sure everyone here could tell the difference between a 10 and a 6.

Married people are a social unit. One can drag the other down, status-wise and can do so for whatever reason -- an old money man with a fancy job and perfect style can drag you right the hell down if he's drunk at social functions, or god forbid says something misogynist or racists or just profoundly stupid in mixed company or whatever. You are wanting to ignore this kind of thing, with this "not his personality ... just money, family background and job status" stuff. But you really can't. Although, admittedly, those with money, high-status family background and an excellent career don't tend to have poor social skills; but it happens. And those folks are not going to find a partner that is on the same level as the one they could have married if their manners/personality were at par.

But more importantly -- what do you mean by "judge"? Am I whispering behind my female doctor neighbor's back because she's married to a man who is a hs schoolteacher whose father visited recently and belched in front of people and said something xenophobic? No. Not at all. Am I noticing it? Yes. Low status job and bad family background. And subconsciously ... marriage is a market. If your DH is a 5, you are not going to be seen as an 8. You are a 6, or a 7 at best. Everyone knows this, and sees it, whether they've ever thought about it to this extent or even at all. So yeah ... we are all judging married people based on their spouse's "status," all the time. But like I said, "the external social status based on money, family background, and job status" you mention is just part of it.

Anyone who says they don't is lying as this happens to a large extent at the subconscious level.

Jumps out at me that you said a teacher is a low status job.

No one wants to admit it is, because it isn’t PC to do so. But that DH schoolteacher couldn’t afford a two bedroom apartment in the area where they have a house thanks to the physician wife’s income. No denying that.

The question is do YOU judge, not society. You obviously do.

Everyone judges pp. even you.

I don’t judge teachers the way you do.

Teacher here. I know I’m judged. I just don’t care.

People who judge are dealing with their own insecurities. The PP who rambled on about 10s not marrying 6s has a lot on his/her plate to deal with. Money and status can’t buy happiness — they simply make you desire more money and status.

I’m confident with my career choices and marriage. If PP wants to judge me… judge away. It doesn’t impact my life any more than the 20 seconds it took me to type this.

[Anonymous]

People don’t tend to fit neatly into boxes. Our kids go to private school in nyc but not one couple fits neatly into that box. Maybe the dh is in finance but clearly came from nothing or maybe they inherited money but now they are weird and introverted, or they have a ‘good’ job but still many problems like anyone. No one I know is swanning around just ‘having a high social status’ like in a movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with some very educated high earning women who are married to redneck-type men who are either in low paid jobs or not working. Many didn't complete undergrad, while their wives have PhDs. Honestly, I don't understand the attraction and, yes, I judge them. Usually the men are ugly and have no social ettiquette. Perhaps it's because I'm UC, so I just don't get it.

lol think whatever you want to make you feel better

Well, it might be another reason. Still unfathomable that an educated good looking person (man or woman) would marry an uncouth ugly uneducated person. It's strange. Usually, like marries like.

Agree 100%. Very odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, here’s my experience as a female physician. I attended a dinner with several other friends of friends, all doctors. I said hello to the woman across the table from me, and the first question out of her mouth was “and what does your husband do?”.

Needless to say it was a short conversation, but a preview of what was to come. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how successful I am, there is far more worth placed on the status or occupation of my would-be male partner. I’m single, so it’s a disappointing reality for a few reasons.

A sort of flipside to that: I'm a female lawyer and my DH is a lawyer and we have attended a lot of social functions where there are 6 or 7 of us lawyers and then spouses. And the lawyers are a bunch of men and me, and then there are the wives. And I end up pulled over into the wives' conversation about where to go for vacay, and competitive bs about their kids, and who knows whatever horrifically boring stuff while the men are in the corner talking about a big case that they don't understand (because they aren't litigating it -- I am). I call it getting "wife'd."

I'm a guy, and a lawyer, and a litigator, and at a social function I'd rather talk about "vacays" or anything else on God's green earth but the "big case I'm working on."

Haha, same. I am a female lawyer and the only time I talk about work is if I’m actively trying to get out of a conversation with someone who’s annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with some very educated high earning women who are married to redneck-type men who are either in low paid jobs or not working. Many didn't complete undergrad, while their wives have PhDs. Honestly, I don't understand the attraction and, yes, I judge them. Usually the men are ugly and have no social ettiquette. Perhaps it's because I'm UC, so I just don't get it.

lol think whatever you want to make you feel better

Well, it might be another reason. Still unfathomable that an educated good looking person (man or woman) would marry an uncouth ugly uneducated person. It's strange. Usually, like marries like.

Agree 100%. Very odd.

Like a pp said, 10s don’t marry 6s. They just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I judge them on their merits. If their only merit is having a successful husband then I don’t hold them in high regard.

Ability to find and keep a successful partner (man or woman) is as impressive as ability to find and keep a successful career. Not everyone has judgement and drive to find and maintain good relationships.

But what do you mean by "successful"? If you mean a mature adult who is gainfully employed, demonstrates emotional maturity, is financially stable and a good partner and parent, I agree. You need to have those qualities to attract someone with those qualities.

But this thread is about social status ONLY, as defined by wealth, family reputation, and professional prestige. A person can have all that and be immature, lazy, a terrible parent and a bad partner. Likewise, a person can have none of these things but be successful in the way I described in the previous paragraph.

Marrying and staying married to a rich guy, or a guy from a rich family, or a guy with an impressive title, is not really an accomplishment. It usually means you were born with certain assets (looks or money or both) that a man with those qualities would find appealing. It's only an accomplishment if the man is also a good man, in which case the accomplishment is not his wealth but his goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and it makes me really sad that people are even thinking about this in 2025. I feel like we are regressing - and rapidly!

The only thing that is regressing is women who don't have jobs who are happy being a housewife in 2025, who never had or wanted a real job, and who don't have anything interesting to talk abou. That absolutely deserves judgment in 2025.

Why do you care? They are making a choice that has no effect on you. It’s about having choices and not being told what to one is permitted to do. By a man - or by another woman (you).

Exactly. It’s absolutely none of our business. Would we be able to connect with her for friendship? Doubtful, not much in common probably, but to judge her is just ridiculous.