Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

[Anonymous]

(PP I quoted above, I meant to first say I agree with your post completely!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

In the end, women are socialized to accept endless bad behavior from men. Cheating is just one of those behaviors. We have to raise our sons better, but how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Child support and alimony are temporary in most states, she left because you were probably still a shitty husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Really, it’s rare anybody “wins” financially after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Well FAFO (literally). You had the opportunity to protect your assets before marriage with a prenup and you also had the opportunity to not FA. For all the money you think your ex is rolling in, she’s paid a price you don’t even seem to want to understand. Thinking you didn’t really do the work, you just went to shut her up, amirite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Well FAFO (literally). You had the opportunity to protect your assets before marriage with a prenup and you also had the opportunity to not FA. For all the money you think your ex is rolling in, she’s paid a price you don’t even seem to want to understand. Thinking you didn’t really do the work, you just went to shut her up, amirite?

Also, you’re no hero for “paying more than required” co spidering the required is rarely actually enough to support anything but basic needs.

And there should be no limit for your kids. They’re hurt enough too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

No need to lump golfers in that group. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

+100

My spouse had a midlife affair- but is a fantastic spouse, father and has always done so much around the house. Cleans, takes cares of things, coached the kids, etc. We were madly in love when we got married and had our kids. So compatible. He fk’d up in a midlife depression and cheated. What he did - confessed, his own therapy, remorse, no blame on me after is a large part why I stayed and continued to invest in my family. I have always worked (3 million in my own retirement account, etc). I could leave at anytime. I’m glad I didn’t give up when we both were at the bottom of the U on the happiness curve because life is really, really good and we are tight with our college age kids who love spending time together as one big family. My kids were tweens at the time and it would have been awful for them- to go from a happy family and not know why out of the blue we tore it up. The family milestones, graduations, holidays are very dear.

If my spouse was a Dk, a bad husband, continued to cheat, didn’t want to be here, if I wasn’t happy, etc, I would have divorced without hesitation. I give one chance with cheating- though before it happened I would have said instant divorce—if it was a habitual thing, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. I love what we have built together as a team.

People give a lot of thought and go through difficult times, but ultimately choose what is best for them. Period. You will never know why. You don’t live their life.

You need to seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

+1000

I'm happily married with a great husband and one of the reasons I can say those things is because he hasn't cheated on me. (Cue the trolls who have to say that he actually has but I just don't know it, we get it, you're trying to make yourselves feel better).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

I’m doing the math. When she was married to you, she had a HHI of $570k. Now that she is divorced, she has a HHI of $285k at best.

Are you doing the math differently? Is there some way that she is in a better financial position post-divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Wait, are you the cheating spouse whining about losing half your assets?