Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Wait, are you the cheating spouse whining about losing half your assets?

Look. He became a very good husband after cheating. So good, in fact, that somehow his wife has more money after splitting up their assets post-divorce than she did when they were married!
He definitely wasn’t controlling with their money or lording it over her that he was the higher earner. I don’t know why you would say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

No need to lump golfers in that group. Jeez.

Agree. Golfers and marathon runners are a category of their own when it comes to horrible husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

+100

My spouse had a midlife affair- but is a fantastic spouse, father and has always done so much around the house. Cleans, takes cares of things, coached the kids, etc. We were madly in love when we got married and had our kids. So compatible. He fk’d up in a midlife depression and cheated. What he did - confessed, his own therapy, remorse, no blame on me after is a large part why I stayed and continued to invest in my family. I have always worked (3 million in my own retirement account, etc). I could leave at anytime. I’m glad I didn’t give up when we both were at the bottom of the U on the happiness curve because life is really, really good and we are tight with our college age kids who love spending time together as one big family. My kids were tweens at the time and it would have been awful for them- to go from a happy family and not know why out of the blue we tore it up. The family milestones, graduations, holidays are very dear.

If my spouse was a Dk, a bad husband, continued to cheat, didn’t want to be here, if I wasn’t happy, etc, I would have divorced without hesitation. I give one chance with cheating- though before it happened I would have said instant divorce—if it was a habitual thing, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. I love what we have built together as a team.

People give a lot of thought and go through difficult times, but ultimately choose what is best for them. Period. You will never know why. You don’t live their life.

Girl, do I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

How on earth can you call your lying cheating husband a fantastic spouse? There is clearly a large element of denial in women who stay. You have to literally lie to yourself daily and tell yourself he’s a great husband, otherwise the loneliness and despair creeps back in. You try to forget how he threw your marriage away like the used condom (that he hopefull used with his AP). Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now I see why studies say single women are the happiest. May this type of codependency, desperation, disrespect, and lack of security never find me or my children. Thank you for sharing, I needed this lesson.

I am married, but wow you are right. This is f***ing bleak. I’d probably spit my drink out if some of these women lectured me on how great their marriage is, meanwhile their DH is out getting his d*** wet in any one he felt like. You know once they get “forgiveness” it’s so easy to just slip back into old patterns. It’s not like she’s gonna leave anyways, she didn’t the first time he broke vows, why would the second be any different? They just get better at hiding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

In the end, women are socialized to accept endless bad behavior from men. Cheating is just one of those behaviors. We have to raise our sons better, but how?

+1
All these women who stay after their husbands cheat on them are just teaching their kids the same thing. NBD, go f*** around on your spouse. If you’re a man, it’s expected, and she’ll stay. If you’re a woman, you better put up with it, lest *gasp* a divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

“Doing the work” after you f*** another person is not always enough. I’m glad your ex-wife has standards and self esteem, good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Really, it’s rare anybody “wins” financially after a divorce.

I think if your spouse saw their money as “theirs” and not as household money, then you might have more financial freedom post divorce, even if there is technically less money in your bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

In the end, women are socialized to accept endless bad behavior from men. Cheating is just one of those behaviors. We have to raise our sons better, but how?

+1
All these women who stay after their husbands cheat on them are just teaching their kids the same thing. NBD, go f*** around on your spouse. If you’re a man, it’s expected, and she’ll stay. If you’re a woman, you better put up with it, lest *gasp* a divorce!

Oh come on- their kids have zero idea—particularly the ones with a happy household and nothing amiss, no fighting…plenty of men are in happy marriages and still banging their wives. Nobody knows. And if the spouse finds out they sure aren’t running to tell their kids in order to protect them.

Some of you watch way too much TV. Most affairs are never discovered.

[Anonymous]

All the affairs I know of were 45-50 year old married women. Women are cheating more and more. Dialing up dk online.

[Anonymous]

A woman who willingly leaves a wealthy man and a unparalleled lifestyle - especially in this region - is not a smart woman. The homes, the private schools, the vacations, the communities, etc. You'd be insane to break up your family over some two dollar wh0re. It has to be really egregious. On top of the social parish aspects that come with divorce, there is so much paperwork and beauroracy, it's a literal nightmare to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

In the end, women are socialized to accept endless bad behavior from men. Cheating is just one of those behaviors. We have to raise our sons better, but how?

+1
All these women who stay after their husbands cheat on them are just teaching their kids the same thing. NBD, go f*** around on your spouse. If you’re a man, it’s expected, and she’ll stay. If you’re a woman, you better put up with it, lest *gasp* a divorce!

All he did was stick his pee pee in some ho's vagina. It's really not that serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.

When someone owns their damage, commits to repairing it, and proves they’re willing to meet you where you are and grow from there—that’s something I’m not going to throw away just because the world expects me to. For what? So a stranger can be proud of me for giving up half of my time with my children and future grandchildren, half of the value of the house I’ve built into a sanctuary, half of my retirement savings and the plans I had for that money? I don’t need a stranger’s pat on the back and I’m not influenced by their pity, either. I have to look at my face in the mirror every day, and I like what I see looking back at me. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in myself through all of this. I’m proud that our marriage is stronger after this, that we are communicating better than ever, respect each other more than ever, because we both know what we almost lost. So you can judge me to make yourself feel better about a situation which you’ve never experienced, or, if you have, your own decisions. As for me? I’m doing great, and yes, I am happy.

I did the work and everything. I became a much better husband but she still left. I think she left because the financial incentives were awesome. I made $450k and she made $120k. Do the math. I think financial incentives sometimes make divorce less scary from a financial standpoint. Divorced is supposed to equalize the households. But in practice it does not. The person receiving child support and alimony is better off.

Well, like it or not, you needed to do the work. You’re still better off. If she left because of your affair, then that was the consequence. The work was not the consequence - that’s something that you can carry with you as a skill set forever.

And don’t start about child support and alimony. Child support is for your children and to support the person who is caring for them.

PP here. I agree on the Chile support. In fact I voluntarily pay more than required. For my kids there is no limit as long I can afford it. The alimony part and other assets distribution I am not very happy especially since some of the assets I had them while we were dating before we got married. But it got really complicated during the divorce proceedings and even my lawyer recommended I stop fighting about some of the assets because I will just end up paying more and more legal fees.

Wait, are you the cheating spouse whining about losing half your assets?

Look. He became a very good husband after cheating. So good, in fact, that somehow his wife has more money after splitting up their assets post-divorce than she did when they were married!
He definitely wasn’t controlling with their money or lording it over her that he was the higher earner. I don’t know why you would say that.

The incredible irony of a cheater b***hing about losing half his assets after his wife divorced him is *chefs kiss*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

In the end, women are socialized to accept endless bad behavior from men. Cheating is just one of those behaviors. We have to raise our sons better, but how?

+1
All these women who stay after their husbands cheat on them are just teaching their kids the same thing. NBD, go f*** around on your spouse. If you’re a man, it’s expected, and she’ll stay. If you’re a woman, you better put up with it, lest *gasp* a divorce!

Oh come on- their kids have zero idea—particularly the ones with a happy household and nothing amiss, no fighting…plenty of men are in happy marriages and still banging their wives. Nobody knows. And if the spouse finds out they sure aren’t running to tell their kids in order to protect them.

Some of you watch way too much TV. Most affairs are never discovered.

Most affairs are not discovered, you’re right. But we’re talking about affairs that the wife knew about and chose to stay. People and children definitely find out about these. You are really delusional if you think kids don’t pick up on this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A woman who willingly leaves a wealthy man and a unparalleled lifestyle - especially in this region - is not a smart woman. The homes, the private schools, the vacations, the communities, etc. You'd be insane to break up your family over some two dollar wh0re. It has to be really egregious. On top of the social parish aspects that come with divorce, there is so much paperwork and beauroracy, it's a literal nightmare to deal with.

Proof that money can’t buy class. If your husband is willing to break up his family over a $2 wh0re, he doesn’t seem to care much for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

In the end, women are socialized to accept endless bad behavior from men. Cheating is just one of those behaviors. We have to raise our sons better, but how?

+1
All these women who stay after their husbands cheat on them are just teaching their kids the same thing. NBD, go f*** around on your spouse. If you’re a man, it’s expected, and she’ll stay. If you’re a woman, you better put up with it, lest *gasp* a divorce!

Oh come on- their kids have zero idea—particularly the ones with a happy household and nothing amiss, no fighting…plenty of men are in happy marriages and still banging their wives. Nobody knows. And if the spouse finds out they sure aren’t running to tell their kids in order to protect them.

Some of you watch way too much TV. Most affairs are never discovered.

Most affairs are not discovered, you’re right. But we’re talking about affairs that the wife knew about and chose to stay. People and children definitely find out about these. You are really delusional if you think kids don’t pick up on this kind of thing.

Yes, for example Melania Trump and Hilary Clinton.