Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder why women stay with men who don’t do anything around the house or are absent fathers/partners. Who are alcoholics. Who are controlling with money. Who golf every weekend. Who are MAGA. Who are slovenly.
I guess we’re all different.

+100

My spouse had a midlife affair- but is a fantastic spouse, father and has always done so much around the house. Cleans, takes cares of things, coached the kids, etc. We were madly in love when we got married and had our kids. So compatible. He fk’d up in a midlife depression and cheated. What he did - confessed, his own therapy, remorse, no blame on me after is a large part why I stayed and continued to invest in my family. I have always worked (3 million in my own retirement account, etc). I could leave at anytime. I’m glad I didn’t give up when we both were at the bottom of the U on the happiness curve because life is really, really good and we are tight with our college age kids who love spending time together as one big family. My kids were tweens at the time and it would have been awful for them- to go from a happy family and not know why out of the blue we tore it up. The family milestones, graduations, holidays are very dear.

If my spouse was a Dk, a bad husband, continued to cheat, didn’t want to be here, if I wasn’t happy, etc, I would have divorced without hesitation. I give one chance with cheating- though before it happened I would have said instant divorce—if it was a habitual thing, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. I love what we have built together as a team.

People give a lot of thought and go through difficult times, but ultimately choose what is best for them. Period. You will never know why. You don’t live their life.

[Anonymous]

Similar to PP. Husband cheated after 25 years together. It was most definitely mid life crisis after a pretty traumatic childhood and not enough therapy for that. He is much much better now, spiritually, psychologically, and is a very dedicated partner. We are closing in on 6 years after DDay. It really takes 3-5 years to approach healing and a lot of work by the person who committed the betrayal especially. I am high earning and attractive. But also have 3 close to grown kids and glad we had the opportunity to work on it even though I was beyond devastated inside for a very long time. Life can be hard.

[Anonymous]

Money and children. Same reason men do. I do think men are dumb for being less willing to work on it, though. Some stupid patriarchal beliefs about dirty women, women as their property, etc. That stuff is still ingrained.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine having sex with a cheating spouse ever again. It would make me feel gross and violated. So I guess I could stay in a platonic marriage but I don't think I could have sex with them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine having sex with a cheating spouse ever again. It would make me feel gross and violated. So I guess I could stay in a platonic marriage but I don't think I could have sex with them again.

You’re right: you don’t know. I hope you never have to find out, but if you do, you may find out you’re wrong, and feelings are complicated and complex.

[Anonymous]

I think there are countless ways to break martial vows. Sex with another person is just one of them, and it's not the most important one for me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think polyamory works very well for most people, but I don't think it's horrible or weird to be attracted to or even love multiple people at the same time. Family is bigger and more important than that.

[Anonymous]

Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

[Anonymous]

The only reason I would stay (as a woman) is so I could see my kids every morning and night and remain 100% involved in their lives. I would divorce as soon as they leave for college, and my husband would never share my bed again. If he wanted to divorce me because he doesn't like the consequences of his cheating, then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women don’t want to give up 50% of their time with their kids and have them raised by the ex’s ho.

This and only this.

[Anonymous]

Now I see why studies say single women are the happiest. May this type of codependency, desperation, disrespect, and lack of security never find me or my children. Thank you for sharing, I needed this lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now I see why studies say single women are the happiest. May this type of codependency, desperation, disrespect, and lack of security never find me or my children. Thank you for sharing, I needed this lesson.

I've often thought that if I could get a do-over in life, I would be happiest as a single mom by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a million different reasons and many go onto have great lives and marriages. Everyone’s circumstances and families and relationships may differ. Not every cheater is evil or no longer trust worthy and not every betrayed wife is weak or doesn’t have a career. For many they take a long hard look at their kids and future and past as well. Another pp spelled it out well a few posts above. Many have built something very great together and someone’s temporary midlife crisis isn’t enough to change the trajectory of the family. There usually was lots of love and strong foundation first.

Exactly - life is long. Marriages are complicated - long term marriages even more so there is little place for black and white thinking as most marriages 20 years plus endure many seasons - for me it came down to my own views of commitment which include (we may completely f up and that may be part of our story but if we are willing to learn and grow from it and be clear on our values going forward we can continue)

+1

-1 I don't want to learn anything from a cheating lying spouse. But ok ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now I see why studies say single women are the happiest. May this type of codependency, desperation, disrespect, and lack of security never find me or my children. Thank you for sharing, I needed this lesson.

I've often thought that if I could get a do-over in life, I would be happiest as a single mom by choice.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is gloomy. So these are the 'happily married people'? These are the 'great' husbands. I really hope that future generations of women and men have more respect and decency.

As has been said many times in this thread, it’s complex. Great human beings aren’t perfect human beings. A lifelong marriage is a very long time, with people changing roles several
times. A life lived is going to have many things you don’t want, expect, anticipate, but you have to figure out how to navigate. And sometimes how you think you will navigate doesn’t look like what you thought at all if you get there.

Sometimes, marriages are just happy. Other times, there’s been a lot of story and heartbreak and work to make that marriage happy, but it’s no less happy. People need to learn that it’s all not Hallmark movies and bliss.