Read my Dad's memoir; description of my childhood was a gut punch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad left my mother for his affair partner after 16 years of marriage; my sister and I were 12 and 14 respectively. He had sold our family home and moved all of us to another state for his job, then decided he wanted to be with AP, who had a toddler at the time. My mom took my sister and I back to our home city, Dad moved AP and the toddler to the new city, and that was that. Needless to say, it scarred us all. My sister and I are both successful and I'm a SMBC, but neither of us got married. I think we never recovered from the mushroom cloud of what happened in our early adolescence.

We've stayed close with my Dad (AP died of cancer and Dad remarried again), but as I've gotten older and become a parent myself, I find his choices during my childhood to be breathtakingly selfish. We never lived in the same city with him again. We saw him for summers and holidays, and that was pretty much it. This was compounded when he recently compounded his life story into a book and sent copies to my sister and I (and also my mother!). He devoted a single paragraph to the divorce and our resulting family split, including noting how much I "lambasted" him (his word) over the phone about the divorce during this time. Well, yes. I was a 12 yo girl who's Dad left their family for another woman and child. I was devastated.

My Dad now wants to talk about all of this, is querying my sister and I if we've "read his book". What makes me sad is that it's full of other great stories...he's had an interesting, successful life. I'm glad to have his personal history written down and it will be meaningful when he passes away. But I had to work hard to make peace with what happened during my childhood, and seeing in black and white how easily he justified his behavior gutted me.

I thought I had closed this wound, and I'm not looking for beef with my 79 yo father. It's so hard when people we love let us down.

Holy smokes. He’s a selfish @$$.

I’d ignore him forever and only say short, boring responses if he’s asking or pestering me.

And no did not read your “book”. I skimmed it and it’s selfish like you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a narcissist.

He probably got some mental disorders and tons of maladaptive coping habits by age 30+ as well.

[Anonymous]

"I've been busy, but I checked to see if I'd merited a footnote. Anyway, I'll see what happens when myschedule eases up"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be harsh here. Your father is a weak, self centered man who has only thought of himself. He might feel he accomplished his financial duty as a parent because he paid for your education, but that doesn’t heal your heart. Then, he has the nerve to send you, as well as his ex wife, his memoir?? To me, he wants to ease his conscience of his life choices before he dies. My thoughts to him on his book would be he is re-writing history. Hoping you have had some therapy to get beyond this.

He views you liking or “blessing” his book as your approval over his $hitty life decisions and failed parenting/marriage.

Don’t give it to him.

Tell him off again.

Or does he have money coming to you upon his death? Or just to his various next wives and their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a narcissist.

Totally. Thinks so highly of himself that he wrote a memoir!? Pathetic. Just a typical man who wants to feel that his time on earth was full of importance and purpose and wants his story to be set into history in a way that keeps him squarely as the hero of his own story. I'm sorry your father let you down and was such a unprincipled person. They fact that he's desperate for you to read "his book" and is surely waiting for compliments and accolades makes me sick on your behalf, OP. The lack of self awareness is breathtaking. I say you write him a letter where you express your disappointment in how he glossed over how he single-handedly unraveled your life and tell him you don't want talk about his book. Don't give him the attention and validation he seeks. Garbage. I'm sorry, OP.

I agree with you in this particular instance, and all due respect, but if you objectively look at the ranks of aspiring memoirists the vast majority of women.

Hate these stupid self publish types. Any “printer” in China will print your “book”. You can then say you “published” it.

[Anonymous]

I found this thread while looking for one I made a while ago and I almost thought, wait, did I post this? Same situation, kind of--dad left mom, remarried, wrote an autobiography and boy, the self delusion is real.

in my case, my dad left my mom for his AP (now wife) when I was almost 14 and my sibling 15. AP was, and continues to be horrendous to us, some 40 years later. Just a mean, vile and emotionally unstable person who was threatened by anyone my dad had a relationship with that was outside of their world (she has behaved this way with my dad's friends and family, and has isolated him from many people, but us kids and her sister got the worst of it). With insane, unpredictable rages--screaming at me a few days after being hospitalized for a week in another country because I hadn't confirmed plans for a dinner 3 weeks later (as it turns out I was rehospitalized so couldnt attend the random dinner anyway), never apologized. Screamed at my son because we showed up at 6:15 like she asked, but she insisted she told me 6 pm and then tore up the (8 pm) theater tickets and stormed out of the house. Screamed at my brother for giving my kids his christmas present before giving them the one she picked out, so then she decided they wouldn't get it and was going to donate it instead (kids were 6 and 8). Screamed at my son when he was about 10 for picking up a stuffed animal after dinner that she used as a table setting for a dinner of take out costco pizza (seriously, don't ask) because he didn't ask permission to touch it first. And, aside from the screaming, its always just walking on eggshells, she's the kind of person who loses in a store for no reason, takes offense at completely imaginary things and weaponizes rage (and she has never, ever, apologized for any of it). She's made it extremely difficult to have any real relationship with my dad, but at the end of the day it was and remains his decision to stay with her.

However, like OP, it really hit me when I had kids of my own how incredibly self-centered my dad was. It was not that he got divorced or had an affair--or that he jetted off an a trip with AP just weeks after leaving me with my mom, who was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, it's that he knowingly stayed with someone who was so hostile to his children. I could not imagine making this choice--never would I put up with someone who treated my kids so poorly but I guess my dad figured "eh, they are almost adults."

So, yeah, he wrote his autobiography and there was a lot of self-serving crap, of course, but the worst was the part where he basically said his children "never got over the divorce" and blamed my mom for that, and that's why our relationship sucks. He did also note his autobiography how held back he felt by children and the demands that we and my mom placed on him, and how much he struggled between his desires (work, renown, money) and responsibilities (an emotionally fragile wife and kids). He wrote that when we became teens he felt like he had 'paid his dues' and was free to do what he wanted. Which, yeah, sure, but there is a price to be paid, so don't be shocked when you marry someone who hates your kids and grandkids and there are issues. Although I think my dad would actually have no idea what a "normal" parental/grandparental relationship is.

Sigh, anyway, OP, I get it. I had a hard time reading his book. There were some very interesting and insightful passages, and some impressive achievements, but the complete abnegation of emotional responsibility or understanding of the choice he made is pretty stunning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. Some of these narcissists are just truly outrageous. What your father clearly wants here is to get a rise out of you and maybe another effort to convince you “he” was right all along. People have suggested writing heartfelt letters, rebuttal chapters, etc. Don’t do it. It’s a trap.

You need to respond as close to gray rock as you can.

Hey Dad, got your book. Sounds like you had a really interesting life. I’m glad you were able to put it all to paper so you could share with those of us who couldn’t be there. Hope you’re doing well, catch up soon. -daughter

That’s it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.

DP and I agree you should write the letter. What are you afraid of? You owe it to your 12 year old self to speak truth to what happened and call him out on his behavior even if he is unwilling to change.

[Anonymous]

I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.

OP I just posted above about my own dad (and memoir, etc) and I am in the same place. The few times I have expressed my disappointment, hurt, etc over the years, he has responded a little in the moment, but receded back into himself and has created his own narrative. ANd if I push to hard and say the truth, he shuts down completely. He is an essentially deeply self-absorbed person--a brilliant, hugely successful academic and very interesting and accomplished, but also son of an alcoholic mother and father who died when he was a teen, and unable to real, deep, emotional attachments...add to that anything I might write to him he gives to his gatekeeping wife instead of responding to me, so its a double blow.

And yet, I also still struggle. It's an innate desire to be acknowledged by your parent, but it's unlikely to be satisfied unless he is emotionally open and attuned to others. My dad is not and I know any attempt to get through to him would end in the same place. In the thread I wrote about my dad (I think it's called "grandparent disappointment") someone counseled me to stop chasing him, and I realized that is kind of what I've been doing my whole life--maintaining a relationship in the face of abuse from his wife and disinterest from him, for what--scraps?. He likes the idea of family but not the reality of emotional ties. He was that way with his own brother, didn't even fly back from his prestigious fellowship at (famous UK university) when his brother died. I'm particularly feeling raw today because his wife inquired whether we would be traveling to celebrate his birthday (note was this: "if you are coming to celebrate your father's birthday you will need to find a place to stay. We are going to Paris in September") and after last year we are not going to, but I wrestle with both guilt and the desire to really tell him WHY we are not coming.

[Anonymous]

OP I think I relate. It's like you want to think you are important to your parent and they love you unconditionally and abundantly and it's just another reminder they are completely self-involved and self serving and what you created in your head was fanasy? is that it?

My mother frequently says "parenting has been a complete disappointment" and she's not sure she would have done it again if she knew. She set the bar high and we got great grades, went to top Universities, got good jobs, married nice people, had kids, etc. We're not criminals mooching off people and drowning in drug addiction or anything.

I finally had to accept she would never be pleased and every sign I got that she just wasn't that into me was correct. I created a fantasy in my head, but there was plenty of evidence she was self-involved, hated parenting, had unrealistic expectations for us and had some personality issues. Part of me missed the days I ignored the evidence and created a fantasy world, but accepting reality also helped me have better boundaries with her and take care of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I've been busy, but I checked to see if I'd merited a footnote. Anyway, I'll see what happens when myschedule eases up"

This.

I will give him neither criticism nor support. It's not worth it either way. I'd never admit to having read it, no matter how many times he asked.

Accept and love him for who he is, mourn who you wanted him to be and then move on. Don't give him any more power in your life than he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. That train is not coming back no matter what. Only more hurt next station.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this thread while looking for one I made a while ago and I almost thought, wait, did I post this? Same situation, kind of--dad left mom, remarried, wrote an autobiography and boy, the self delusion is real.

in my case, my dad left my mom for his AP (now wife) when I was almost 14 and my sibling 15. AP was, and continues to be horrendous to us, some 40 years later. Just a mean, vile and emotionally unstable person who was threatened by anyone my dad had a relationship with that was outside of their world (she has behaved this way with my dad's friends and family, and has isolated him from many people, but us kids and her sister got the worst of it). With insane, unpredictable rages--screaming at me a few days after being hospitalized for a week in another country because I hadn't confirmed plans for a dinner 3 weeks later (as it turns out I was rehospitalized so couldnt attend the random dinner anyway), never apologized. Screamed at my son because we showed up at 6:15 like she asked, but she insisted she told me 6 pm and then tore up the (8 pm) theater tickets and stormed out of the house. Screamed at my brother for giving my kids his christmas present before giving them the one she picked out, so then she decided they wouldn't get it and was going to donate it instead (kids were 6 and 8). Screamed at my son when he was about 10 for picking up a stuffed animal after dinner that she used as a table setting for a dinner of take out costco pizza (seriously, don't ask) because he didn't ask permission to touch it first. And, aside from the screaming, its always just walking on eggshells, she's the kind of person who loses in a store for no reason, takes offense at completely imaginary things and weaponizes rage (and she has never, ever, apologized for any of it). She's made it extremely difficult to have any real relationship with my dad, but at the end of the day it was and remains his decision to stay with her.

However, like OP, it really hit me when I had kids of my own how incredibly self-centered my dad was. It was not that he got divorced or had an affair--or that he jetted off an a trip with AP just weeks after leaving me with my mom, who was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, it's that he knowingly stayed with someone who was so hostile to his children. I could not imagine making this choice--never would I put up with someone who treated my kids so poorly but I guess my dad figured "eh, they are almost adults."

So, yeah, he wrote his autobiography and there was a lot of self-serving crap, of course, but the worst was the part where he basically said his children "never got over the divorce" and blamed my mom for that, and that's why our relationship sucks. He did also note his autobiography how held back he felt by children and the demands that we and my mom placed on him, and how much he struggled between his desires (work, renown, money) and responsibilities (an emotionally fragile wife and kids). He wrote that when we became teens he felt like he had 'paid his dues' and was free to do what he wanted. Which, yeah, sure, but there is a price to be paid, so don't be shocked when you marry someone who hates your kids and grandkids and there are issues. Although I think my dad would actually have no idea what a "normal" parental/grandparental relationship is.

Sigh, anyway, OP, I get it. I had a hard time reading his book. There were some very interesting and insightful passages, and some impressive achievements, but the complete abnegation of emotional responsibility or understanding of the choice he made is pretty stunning.

Seriously, cut this woman out of your family's lives. And if it affect your dad, oh well

It's bad enough when it's a blood relative. She's nobody to you and acts like it.

And as someone from a not perfect but relatively stable family, it can assure you that when I read stuff like what your father wrote (too many famous men are awful fathers but write autobiographies) i am never distracted by their lives but always consider what they did to their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad left my mother for his affair partner after 16 years of marriage; my sister and I were 12 and 14 respectively. He had sold our family home and moved all of us to another state for his job, then decided he wanted to be with AP, who had a toddler at the time. My mom took my sister and I back to our home city, Dad moved AP and the toddler to the new city, and that was that. Needless to say, it scarred us all. My sister and I are both successful and I'm a SMBC, but neither of us got married. I think we never recovered from the mushroom cloud of what happened in our early adolescence.

We've stayed close with my Dad (AP died of cancer and Dad remarried again), but as I've gotten older and become a parent myself, I find his choices during my childhood to be breathtakingly selfish. We never lived in the same city with him again. We saw him for summers and holidays, and that was pretty much it. This was compounded when he recently compounded his life story into a book and sent copies to my sister and I (and also my mother!). He devoted a single paragraph to the divorce and our resulting family split, including noting how much I "lambasted" him (his word) over the phone about the divorce during this time. Well, yes. I was a 12 yo girl who's Dad left their family for another woman and child. I was devastated.

My Dad now wants to talk about all of this, is querying my sister and I if we've "read his book". What makes me sad is that it's full of other great stories...he's had an interesting, successful life. I'm glad to have his personal history written down and it will be meaningful when he passes away. But I had to work hard to make peace with what happened during my childhood, and seeing in black and white how easily he justified his behavior gutted me.

I thought I had closed this wound, and I'm not looking for beef with my 79 yo father. It's so hard when people we love let us down.

He sounds wealthy? Are you in his will or is the a-hole going to leave everything to wife #3 and the kid he had with late wife #2?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

I agree with this