Reply to Read my Dad's memoir; description of my childhood was a gut punch

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.[/quote]

OP  I just posted above about my own dad (and memoir, etc) and I am in the same place. The few times I have expressed my disappointment, hurt, etc over the years, he has responded a little in the moment, but receded back into himself and has created his own narrative. ANd if I push to hard and say the truth, he shuts down completely. He is an essentially deeply self-absorbed person--a brilliant, hugely successful academic and very interesting and accomplished, but also son of an alcoholic mother and father who died when he was a teen, and unable to real, deep, emotional attachments...add to that anything I might write to him he gives to his gatekeeping wife instead of responding to me, so its a double blow.

And yet, I also still struggle. It's an innate desire to be acknowledged by your parent, but it's unlikely to be satisfied unless he is emotionally open and attuned to others. My dad is not and I know any attempt to get through to him would end in the same place. In the thread I wrote about my dad (I think it's called "grandparent disappointment") someone counseled me to stop chasing him, and I realized that is kind of what I've been doing my whole life--maintaining a relationship in the face of abuse from his wife and disinterest from him, for what--scraps?. He likes the idea of family but not the reality of emotional ties. He was that way with his own brother, didn't even fly back from his prestigious fellowship at (famous UK university) when his brother died. I'm particularly feeling raw today because his wife inquired whether we would be traveling to celebrate his birthday (note was this: "if you are coming to celebrate your father's birthday you will need to find a place to stay. We are going to Paris in September") and after last year we are not going to, but I wrestle with both guilt and the desire to really tell him WHY we are not coming. [/quote]

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