Read my Dad's memoir; description of my childhood was a gut punch

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you just have to cut people out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Exhibit a why boomers are the worst most selfish generation. Hopefully when he does he gives you something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a relative of mine who wrote a painfully self-serving memoir. The truth is the same kind of person who could make choices like that is the same kind who would write a tone deaf book, send it to you, and expect you to tell him how much you loved it. He just doesn’t get it. He is limited in awareness of how he affects others.

+1. While my dad hasn’t written a memoir, if he did, there would be insane amounts of revisionist history. My dad isn’t NPD. But he is narcissistic and is the hero of his own life story. He is actually incredibly charismatic and people love him (if they are not part of his family). Between the ages of 12 and 16, I used to beg him to start a cult because I knew people would give him lots of money (I now realize that was bizarre, but I recognized the snake oil salesman he was). It was so hard to describe him until Trump’s behavior was out there for people to see. His entire life is spent feeding his own ego. He would never, ever acknowledge the pain he caused his own family.

That said, my sister and I mostly just try to find the humor in the ridiculousness of it all. He remarried a few years ago, and I had to step out during his big speech due to a kid meltdown. When I can back in, I said to my husband “are these the bullet points he hit?” And I was right, it was the speech that pulled together all his stories where he pretends to be self deprecating but really is just tooting his own horn. He is actually deeply insecure and does this nonsense to make him feel better about himself. It is just totally ridiculous.

He is allegedly sober for a year after decades of alcoholism. I also joke with me sister that he will never get to the “making amends” step, because that would require him to acknowledge he isn’t perfect. In the meantime, he likes to tell us how everyone in AA loves him. And they immediately recognized his leadership and wanted him to take over a be a group leader when he has been sober for 30 days — LOLOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't say anything about your parents relationship. Maybe he was completely miserable. You don't also don't talk about any of your own relationships. They can toxic and horrific to the point that one person has to leave.
'Lambasting' your father as a kid is very brave. I would have never dared to do that as mine was physically abusive. And him writing a book, very 'me,me,me'. You both feel like you are so right about your feelings and actions.

OP is objectively right. Her parents’ marriage may have made her father miserable, but the solution to that wasn’t having an affair, moving his family far away, then dumping his wife and moving his AP in with him. He wrote a book that doesn’t even share HIS version of events. He met AP and the rest is history? That’s very passive, like he didn’t make any life choices and it was all something that just happened to him.

And sending his memoir to his ex wife and then hassling everyone about whether they’ve read it? My God, the nerve!

[Anonymous]

OP, you said he had some great stories and he’s accomplished and has led an interesting life. Is he hoping to get this memoir published? Is there any chance of that? Could he be testing the waters to see how the people who know him best might react and whether they’d make any public comments about him?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a human being. Did some good things, also made some really bad decisions. And somehow manages to look back and justify them; I think that’s really common. It can be hard to love people when the nature of their flaws hurt you, but part of love is accepting those faults also.

I’m sorry this has reopened old wounds but I agree there’s nothing to be gained by conversing with him. Since this hit you so hard so many years later, perhaps therapy makes sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a great person and he sounds like an utter a&$ who never came to terms with how he treated his kids.

But I wouldn’t take the memoir too much to heart. It sounds like perhaps it is focused on his professional accomplishments and maybe his childhood, as opposed to his personal life? Does he spend chapters talking about his second and third wife and step kid? If not, I would not take this throw away line about you to mean much, other than this wasn’t a book about that side of his life.

Whether you want to have a conversation with him about the hurt is up to you. It might lead to some sort of catharsis and maybe he would say something helpful. Or you mjgjt just get a self centered reiteration of how hurt he was you got mad at him. You have to decide if you’re willing to risk the latter at this point. Either way, you’ve built a great life and you’re a much better parent.

[Anonymous]

He is a narcissist. I honestly think only narcissists write memoirs to start with. They assume the world wants to hear about their life? (I give an exception to truly famous individuals such as former presidents or Neil Armstrong or something). And he sent it to you, and keeps asking if you’ve read it? Like yeah dad I already know about your life since I’m your kid but sure I’ll read your story where you make yourself look awesome. He probably didn’t even consider the paragraph about you, since he is a narcissist/ this is about HIM! Guarantee that if you tell him it upset you he will have ruffled feathers and accuse you of making it all about you.

[Anonymous]

His book sounds pretty artless and, well, just bad. "I met Larla and well the rest is history" -- wow, way to sidestep the SUPER shady beginnings of that relationship!

My dad is probably cut of similar cloth ... after my mom died he told me all kinds of things including the fact that he had never wanted children. Thanks?

The reason I include the above is because I personally would have no interest in putting energy into even a pretend letter to my dad. I learned a long time ago that my relationship with him is not a two-way street.

Instead though you might think about writing a letter to your 12yo self. I really love that you called him out on his incredibly selfish and hurtful actions. Maybe it would be validating to think about that confused and hurt kid and sort of validate her and let her know about the awesome life that lies ahead.

some of the hurts of our past need to be revisited for the sake of closure, especially as a parent when you see your kid around the same age you were when stuff went down.

[Anonymous]

For those questioning why a "regular" person would write their memoir, this is a new product being marketed.

The company sends a weekly email with a question or prompt, such as "What was your favorite class in HS?". You can also add your own subjects and answers. After a year, the company compiles them into a book and sends the author the printed memoir.

Our adult kids gave this to my husband 2 years ago and he finished the project last summer. It was interesting to read stories about his childhood that I had never heard.

It would be easy to do this on your own, but I think all the advertising directed towards seniors is causing people to decide to write their memoir and order extra copies to give to family members.

I wouldn't recommend giving one to an ex-wife however. That's weird.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My parents were in an unbelievably selfish phase that resulted in divorce when I was the same age. I really needed them, especially my mom, at the time and they were just too wrapped up in their own dramas to see that. It's such a vulnerable, formative time in your life and I was lucky to have friends (and their parents) who were really loving and there for me. I also told my parents what I thought of their behavior at the time and I've been pigeon-holed as the "outspoken, moody one" ever since. That being said, I know they love me despite their flaws and I am keenly aware and appreciative of that fact and love them back. Like you, I have no interest in ongoing conflict with them.

I've gone on to have a really stable, happy marriage and family. I wear those experiences as a badge of resilience. And I see my parents clearly and made a decision to just take what they can give--this is much more peaceful and productive for me. They have done a lot of good in the world in addition to painfully self-centered things and I try to balance that out in my mind.

I think you're dealing with this really well and have learned how not to be as a parent because of it. The "memoir" sounds ridiculous and it's sad he can't admit mistakes at his age but you already know you can't change him and it's not worth your time, energy and peace to try! Take care OP!

[Anonymous]

I am a book editor who has worked on a number of memoirs over the course of a 30 year career. People who are driven to write memoirs, unless it is because their experience is so particular that they are the only one in the world who could convey it, are almost without exception highly narcissistic. Even if there are products being marketed to encourage them to do so, normal people with healthy-sized egos do not feel driven to create this sort of record of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad sounds like a complete a**hole. I’m surprised you cherish your relationship with him. I would have dropped him a long time ago.

+1. It's amazing how capable narcissists are of blameshifting (a 12yo girl who got mad a d Dad for having an affair and destroying their family)
The lack of self reflection over a lifetime is disgusting. He's forever a hero in his own mind- yet destroyed so many people along the way.
You're doing great, but I guaranty you'd be doing even better if you had a decent, trustworthy father who set a good example. Also, your poor Mom. I'm sure she had to pull triple the weight after he left to keep a safe, happy childhood for you and your siblings (despite her own grief)

[Anonymous]

Idk if any others have responded but I would burn the memoir and send ashes back to him and not acknowledge reading it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be harsh here. Your father is a weak, self centered man who has only thought of himself. He might feel he accomplished his financial duty as a parent because he paid for your education, but that doesn’t heal your heart. Then, he has the nerve to send you, as well as his ex wife, his memoir?? To me, he wants to ease his conscience of his life choices before he dies. My thoughts to him on his book would be he is re-writing history. Hoping you have had some therapy to get beyond this.

+1. All of this is to assuage his conscience, which is eating at him.

I’d set up strong boundaries, with the help of a therapist. You are not obligated to help him process or excuse the guilt of his bad choices.