Read my Dad's memoir; description of my childhood was a gut punch

[Anonymous]

My Dad left my mother for his affair partner after 16 years of marriage; my sister and I were 12 and 14 respectively. He had sold our family home and moved all of us to another state for his job, then decided he wanted to be with AP, who had a toddler at the time. My mom took my sister and I back to our home city, Dad moved AP and the toddler to the new city, and that was that. Needless to say, it scarred us all. My sister and I are both successful and I'm a SMBC, but neither of us got married. I think we never recovered from the mushroom cloud of what happened in our early adolescence.

We've stayed close with my Dad (AP died of cancer and Dad remarried again), but as I've gotten older and become a parent myself, I find his choices during my childhood to be breathtakingly selfish. We never lived in the same city with him again. We saw him for summers and holidays, and that was pretty much it. This was compounded when he recently compounded his life story into a book and sent copies to my sister and I (and also my mother!). He devoted a single paragraph to the divorce and our resulting family split, including noting how much I "lambasted" him (his word) over the phone about the divorce during this time. Well, yes. I was a 12 yo girl who's Dad left their family for another woman and child. I was devastated.

My Dad now wants to talk about all of this, is querying my sister and I if we've "read his book". What makes me sad is that it's full of other great stories...he's had an interesting, successful life. I'm glad to have his personal history written down and it will be meaningful when he passes away. But I had to work hard to make peace with what happened during my childhood, and seeing in black and white how easily he justified his behavior gutted me.

I thought I had closed this wound, and I'm not looking for beef with my 79 yo father. It's so hard when people we love let us down.

[Anonymous]

You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that was the least you could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree, write him a letter of disappointment. He sounds selfish and it’s time someone held him accountable.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a narcissist.

Agree.

As someone who is dealing with a narcissistic family member, please try to manage your expectations. Narcissists never take responsibility and will even go out of their way to try to knock you down if they smell even a hint of negativity about themselves from you.

It sounds like you and your sister have made great lives for yourselves despite your father’s actions. Let that be what leads you, not his obviously tone-deaf actions.

[Anonymous]

I will be harsh here. Your father is a weak, self centered man who has only thought of himself. He might feel he accomplished his financial duty as a parent because he paid for your education, but that doesn’t heal your heart. Then, he has the nerve to send you, as well as his ex wife, his memoir?? To me, he wants to ease his conscience of his life choices before he dies. My thoughts to him on his book would be he is re-writing history. Hoping you have had some therapy to get beyond this.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, it doesn't sound harsh. It sounds true. I wish people understood how far the rings travel when they lob certain stones into the water.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You sound thoughtful and kind. He sounds like a selfish jerk. A very flawed human being who needs to feel loved and revered.

I would write him a letter and burn it. I agree telling him or sending it might not have the desired effect. I might call him out on reducing a life changing traumatic part of your childhood to a paragraph. It depends on your relationship. Sometimes you have to meet people where they are at even when it sucks. Maybe just tell him it is interesting but that his leaving may have been a sentence to him but it left his mark on you.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 11, after his affair, but it didn’t destroy me because we were all better off without my dad living with us. My parents fought all the time and he wasn’t a supporting, caring father.

We also only saw him 2 times a year and at those times he was happy to see us, but still didn’t prioritize us. He’s not alive anymore, but I have no doubt that his memoir would absolutely be the same as this if he had written one. And yes he was a narcissist as well.

Sending you hugs from across the WiFi and wherever you are. I’m sorry you haven’t found your person yet, but I’m happy you became a SMBC and I have no doubt you’re doing an amazing job at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a narcissist.

Totally. Thinks so highly of himself that he wrote a memoir!? Pathetic. Just a typical man who wants to feel that his time on earth was full of importance and purpose and wants his story to be set into history in a way that keeps him squarely as the hero of his own story. I'm sorry your father let you down and was such a unprincipled person. They fact that he's desperate for you to read "his book" and is surely waiting for compliments and accolades makes me sick on your behalf, OP. The lack of self awareness is breathtaking. I say you write him a letter where you express your disappointment in how he glossed over how he single-handedly unraveled your life and tell him you don't want talk about his book. Don't give him the attention and validation he seeks. Garbage. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

Yes!!