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[quote=Anonymous]I found this thread while looking for one I made a while ago and I almost thought, wait, did I post this? Same situation, kind of--dad left mom, remarried, wrote an autobiography and boy, the self delusion is real.

in my case, my dad left my mom for his AP (now wife) when I was almost 14 and my sibling 15. AP was, and continues to be horrendous to us, some 40 years later. Just a mean, vile and emotionally unstable person who was threatened by anyone my dad had a relationship with that was outside of their world (she has behaved this way with my dad's friends and family, and has isolated him from many people, but us kids and her sister got the worst of it). With insane, unpredictable rages--screaming at me a few days after being hospitalized for a week in another country because I hadn't confirmed plans for a dinner 3 weeks later (as it turns out I was rehospitalized so couldnt attend the random dinner anyway), never apologized. Screamed at my son because we showed up at 6:15 like she asked, but she insisted she told me 6 pm and then tore up the (8 pm) theater tickets and stormed out of the house. Screamed at my brother for giving my kids his christmas present before giving them the one she picked out, so then she decided they wouldn't get it and was going to donate it instead (kids were 6 and 8). Screamed at my son when he was about 10 for picking up a stuffed animal after dinner that she used as a table setting for a dinner of take out costco pizza  (seriously, don't ask) because he didn't ask permission to touch it first.  And, aside from the screaming, its always just walking on eggshells, she's the kind of person who loses in a store for no reason, takes offense at completely imaginary things and weaponizes rage (and she has never, ever, apologized for any of it). She's made it extremely difficult to have any real relationship with my dad, but at the end of the day it was and remains his decision to stay with her.

However, like OP, it really hit me when I had kids of my own how incredibly self-centered my dad was. It was not that he got divorced or had an affair--or that he jetted off an a trip with AP just weeks after leaving me with my mom, who was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, it's that he knowingly stayed with someone who was so hostile to his children. I could not imagine making this choice--never would I put up with someone who treated my kids so poorly but I guess my dad figured "eh, they are almost adults."

So, yeah, he wrote his autobiography and there was a lot of self-serving crap, of course, but the worst was the part where he basically said his children "never got over the divorce" and blamed my mom for that, and that's why our relationship sucks. He did also note his autobiography how held back he felt by children and the demands that we and my mom placed on him, and how much he struggled between his desires (work, renown, money) and responsibilities (an emotionally fragile wife and kids). He wrote that when we became teens he felt like he had 'paid his dues' and was free to do what he wanted. Which, yeah, sure, but there is a price to be paid, so don't be shocked when you marry someone who hates your kids and grandkids and there are issues. Although I think my dad would actually have no idea what a "normal" parental/grandparental relationship is.

Sigh, anyway, OP, I get it. I had a hard time reading his book. There were some very interesting and insightful passages, and some impressive achievements, but the complete abnegation of emotional responsibility or understanding of the choice he made is pretty stunning. [/quote]

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