Read my Dad's memoir; description of my childhood was a gut punch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.

I don't know if he is a good writer, but you are. Why not write about your experience from childhood through receiving the book? Write from your perspective about your experience and your feelings. Don't discuss him/his motives/your opinion of why and what he did. Discuss facts. Discuss his actions and choices and how they impacted you and what you witnessed your mother and sister go through. I would read your book.

[Anonymous]

This has been so validating. Thanks to every one of you. It's so uncomfortable to feel this affected by those long-ago events. I'm now the mom of a middle schooler and we have so much going on in our lives that requires my full attention...revisiting those dark chapters was unexpected and unwelcome. As we know, DCUM consensus is rare, but a consensus that my Dad's crappy book is in fact, crappy, really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.

I don't know if he is a good writer, but you are. Why not write about your experience from childhood through receiving the book? Write from your perspective about your experience and your feelings. Don't discuss him/his motives/your opinion of why and what he did. Discuss facts. Discuss his actions and choices and how they impacted you and what you witnessed your mother and sister go through. I would read your book.

That's a really kind compliment and meaningful. I will think about doing this.

[Anonymous]

Write the letter. It’s not about him and changing how he feels. It’s about you and how you feel. Communicating that will be good for you. It doesn’t have to be a mean, childish letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. He was selfish. I'm glad you lambasted him. He deserved it.

Lol thanks. I mean...I was a kid. Jesus. And I was hurting. Like what did he expect? I knew I'd lost a parent. His description of getting together with the AP-turned-stepmom was just as bad. "I met Larla, and well, the rest is history".

What I wish is that he'd written down whatever version made sense to him, and just kept it to himself. To think he sent this to my mother is pretty unreal.

If this were all there was to him, it would have been easy to shut him out of my life. But he supported me in many other ways, including funding college and taking interest in my sister and I as adults. There was so many mixed messages that honestly, I never really felt like I could trust men. It was a terrible place to land emotionally.

You should write this to him in a letter

I thought about that. I'm just not sure what it would accomplish. I think as people age they become somewhat calcified in their recollection of their lives and the version in which they're comfortable. That's what I think my Dad did here; he wrote the story where he's not the bad guy. I don't think I'd have much success in dissuading him from that perspective, and I fear what the cost would be. This too is the legacy of him leaving the first time. It's cemented a fear that if I pushed too hard, he'd do it again.

I just wish this chapter had stayed closed.

I don't know if he is a good writer, but you are. Why not write about your experience from childhood through receiving the book? Write from your perspective about your experience and your feelings. Don't discuss him/his motives/your opinion of why and what he did. Discuss facts. Discuss his actions and choices and how they impacted you and what you witnessed your mother and sister go through. I would read your book.

That's a really kind compliment and meaningful. I will think about doing this.

I meant every word. Your story would also be a gift for your child one day.

[Anonymous]

You don't say anything about your parents relationship. Maybe he was completely miserable. You don't also don't talk about any of your own relationships. They can toxic and horrific to the point that one person has to leave.
'Lambasting' your father as a kid is very brave. I would have never dared to do that as mine was physically abusive. And him writing a book, very 'me,me,me'. You both feel like you are so right about your feelings and actions.

[Anonymous]

Excuse me? What a batshit thing to say, “you both think you are right about your feelings” poster. NP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been so validating. Thanks to every one of you. It's so uncomfortable to feel this affected by those long-ago events. I'm now the mom of a middle schooler and we have so much going on in our lives that requires my full attention...revisiting those dark chapters was unexpected and unwelcome. As we know, DCUM consensus is rare, but a consensus that my Dad's crappy book is in fact, crappy, really helps.

Another here. Your dad's crappy book is, in fact, supremely crappy. Who writes a memoir if they are Joe Nobody?
You can burn it in a bonfire (snap a pic for him) or put in a stack of "outside toilet paper for camping" (snap a pic for him) or put it in a "bin of books nobody wants; not even the library" and snap a pic of the recycle guys picking it up. Make a photobook!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad left my mother for his affair partner after 16 years of marriage; my sister and I were 12 and 14 respectively. He had sold our family home and moved all of us to another state for his job, then decided he wanted to be with AP, who had a toddler at the time. My mom took my sister and I back to our home city, Dad moved AP and the toddler to the new city, and that was that. Needless to say, it scarred us all. My sister and I are both successful and I'm a SMBC, but neither of us got married. I think we never recovered from the mushroom cloud of what happened in our early adolescence.

We've stayed close with my Dad (AP died of cancer and Dad remarried again), but as I've gotten older and become a parent myself, I find his choices during my childhood to be breathtakingly selfish. We never lived in the same city with him again. We saw him for summers and holidays, and that was pretty much it. This was compounded when he recently compounded his life story into a book and sent copies to my sister and I (and also my mother!). He devoted a single paragraph to the divorce and our resulting family split, including noting how much I "lambasted" him (his word) over the phone about the divorce during this time. Well, yes. I was a 12 yo girl who's Dad left their family for another woman and child. I was devastated.

My Dad now wants to talk about all of this, is querying my sister and I if we've "read his book". What makes me sad is that it's full of other great stories...he's had an interesting, successful life. I'm glad to have his personal history written down and it will be meaningful when he passes away. But I had to work hard to make peace with what happened during my childhood, and seeing in black and white how easily he justified his behavior gutted me.

I thought I had closed this wound, and I'm not looking for beef with my 79 yo father. It's so hard when people we love let us down.

I’m so impressed with 12 yo you! He deserved that lambasting. How sad and pathetic that he doesn’t see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write the letter. It’s not about him and changing how he feels. It’s about you and how you feel. Communicating that will be good for you. It doesn’t have to be a mean, childish letter.

THIS + I feel strongly that we (the collective we) need to hold our fellow humans accountable for their behavior or we won’t continue to evolve as a species. Your Dad doesn’t get a pass because he wrote a memoir that, frankly, is partially fictional because he’s too self-centered to acknowledge reality.

[Anonymous]

You could print this thread and mail it to him, too.
He does need to be confronted about this, IMO.
One paragraph in his memoir about something that scarred two innocent people?

[Anonymous]

Not as bad as a book but my parent got in the habit late in life of describing a similar family break up in glib terms (including reference to how “moody” I was about since I was 13.)

Like you, I didn’t want a beef with an old man so I just took it on the chin everytime he told the story but it certainly pissed me off!

[Anonymous]

Your dad sounds like a complete a**hole. I’m surprised you cherish your relationship with him. I would have dropped him a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with all the comments here, but I am a little worried about you. Your father sent you this book, but you, an adult, are afraid that if you send him a response on your reaction, he will step out of your life. Is there someone you talk with this about? I mean it sucks that your dad is still so immature, but you will be ok regardless of his actions.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a relative of mine who wrote a painfully self-serving memoir. The truth is the same kind of person who could make choices like that is the same kind who would write a tone deaf book, send it to you, and expect you to tell him how much you loved it. He just doesn’t get it. He is limited in awareness of how he affects others.