How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

To the PP who said that having a second world make their relationship less special, you forget that most women with more than one child had an only for some period of time. For me it was over 3 years. I know for a fact that having a second child did not make my relationship with my first less special in any way. Different I give you but absolutely not less special.

You don’t know what it’s like to have multiple kids, which is fine. I think having an only is fine! Just remember you really don’t know what you’re talking about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I nod politely when others complain about the baby phase, or the toddler phase, or the tween phase, or the teen phase, but the reality is that I've enjoyed every minute of all of them, so I can't relate at all. One of my children was born with special needs and needed a ton of therapies, hand-holding, home training and accompaniment, but that was a labor of love. Another of my children woke up at least 6 times a night every night for the first two years of her life. It was fine.

I think some adults are born to be parents and love the job, and others love their children but not the actual work involved. I knew I wanted to be a parent when I was 16. I married young and had my first in grad school. No regrets.

I find the “I loved every minute of it” folks a little suspicious. Really, there was never a moment when everyone was screaming and you had a stomach bug and you were just surviving? I also have a child with SN who has needed a lot of extra and while yes it’s a labor of love, the worry over my kids future and shame over some terrible behavioral outbursts have been hard. I would do it all again in a second and think my kids are truly some of the most amazing people in the world but I absolutely have not loved every minute of it. Some minutes sucked!

I read these comments and remember the time we were visiting my in laws and my kids had not slept and my oldest had just smacked the younger one and my MIL was just shaking her head going gosh my children never argued! Not once! (My DH and his sibling have confirmed this is BS). Anyway I am glad you enjoyed your experience as a mother I really am and I do think some people have a temperament that lends itself more to parenting than others but I think posting with rose colored glasses on this type of thread is not helpful and a little smug.

[Anonymous]

What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

[Anonymous]

I am an only child with an only child.

It's perfect for me.

I see folks with 3 or 4 kids, and I think, no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said that having a second world make their relationship less special, you forget that most women with more than one child had an only for some period of time. For me it was over 3 years. I know for a fact that having a second child did not make my relationship with my first less special in any way. Different I give you but absolutely not less special.

You don’t know what it’s like to have multiple kids, which is fine. I think having an only is fine! Just remember you really don’t know what you’re talking about!

Eh, I had an only child for 9 years before having another. A parent-child relationship with a toddler is fundamentally different than with an older child. And yes, the relationship is different when it’s one on one. Those of us with very big age gaps know that you give up something when you bring another child into the family. You gain so much too though. One child or multiple, close age gaps or large, they’re all different, not better or worse. All variations have benefits and trade offs. The idea that you can hack family planning to create an ideal perfect scenario is just silly and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love babies and had 3 within 5 years but I couldn’t have done it as a SAHM. I worked in the baby years then quit when they were in elementary school. Totally recommend this approach

I love this for you and am very jealous lol - living the dream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said that having a second world make their relationship less special, you forget that most women with more than one child had an only for some period of time. For me it was over 3 years. I know for a fact that having a second child did not make my relationship with my first less special in any way. Different I give you but absolutely not less special.

You don’t know what it’s like to have multiple kids, which is fine. I think having an only is fine! Just remember you really don’t know what you’re talking about!

You only know what it's like to have an only child who is a baby or toddler. You don't know what it's like to have an only who is an older child, a teen, or an adult. You do not know what you are missing, just as a parent if an only doesn't know what they are missing.

Also, different people have different relationships with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

It is. Far more attention has been paid to parent child relationships, but children spend more time with their siblings than their parents and our siblings are with us throughout our life course while our parents are not. Having good relationships with siblings as a young adult is more predictive of emotional well being than good relationships with parents. It’s on parents to foster positive, healthy relationships between their children, but when that happens the results are powerful.

The comments about having a better relationship seem desperate. It’s different, but not better or worse. Also, many of us with more than one child learn so much through the experience of parenting children with different temperaments and personalities and many of us believe that makes us better parents to all of our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

It is. Far more attention has been paid to parent child relationships, but children spend more time with their siblings than their parents and our siblings are with us throughout our life course while our parents are not. Having good relationships with siblings as a young adult is more predictive of emotional well being than good relationships with parents. It’s on parents to foster positive, healthy relationships between their children, but when that happens the results are powerful.

The comments about having a better relationship seem desperate. It’s different, but not better or worse. Also, many of us with more than one child learn so much through the experience of parenting children with different temperaments and personalities and many of us believe that makes us better parents to all of our children.

No one has said they have a better relationship with their only. They have said they have a *specific* relationship with their only, which they like, and they know that relationship would be different (not necessarily worse, just different) if they had more kids.

Some of you are obsessed with trying to rank family sizes and it's pointless. Mamy people don't even get to pick -- they have secondary fertility issues or they have twins or other multiples and fate chooses for them. Honestly, we're all lucky to have kids at all and insisting that your family is better because you have more than one sounds incredibly myopic to me. You learned something from parenting kids with different temperaments, another mom will learn something from parenting and only. Stop putting down others to elevate yourself. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said that having a second world make their relationship less special, you forget that most women with more than one child had an only for some period of time. For me it was over 3 years. I know for a fact that having a second child did not make my relationship with my first less special in any way. Different I give you but absolutely not less special.

You don’t know what it’s like to have multiple kids, which is fine. I think having an only is fine! Just remember you really don’t know what you’re talking about!

You only know what it's like to have an only child who is a baby or toddler. You don't know what it's like to have an only who is an older child, a teen, or an adult. You do not know what you are missing, just as a parent if an only doesn't know what they are missing.

Also, different people have different relationships with their kids.

Omg so when my kid is a teenager my relationship with them will suddenly be less special because they have a sibling? Some of you are incredibly invested in trying to put down other people’s lived experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

It is. Far more attention has been paid to parent child relationships, but children spend more time with their siblings than their parents and our siblings are with us throughout our life course while our parents are not. Having good relationships with siblings as a young adult is more predictive of emotional well being than good relationships with parents. It’s on parents to foster positive, healthy relationships between their children, but when that happens the results are powerful.

The comments about having a better relationship seem desperate. It’s different, but not better or worse. Also, many of us with more than one child learn so much through the experience of parenting children with different temperaments and personalities and many of us believe that makes us better parents to all of our children.

No one has said they have a better relationship with their only. They have said they have a *specific* relationship with their only, which they like, and they know that relationship would be different (not necessarily worse, just different) if they had more kids.

Some of you are obsessed with trying to rank family sizes and it's pointless. Mamy people don't even get to pick -- they have secondary fertility issues or they have twins or other multiples and fate chooses for them. Honestly, we're all lucky to have kids at all and insisting that your family is better because you have more than one sounds incredibly myopic to me. You learned something from parenting kids with different temperaments, another mom will learn something from parenting and only. Stop putting down others to elevate yourself. Just stop.

She specifically said less special, that is what people are responding to, because it’s antagonistic and rude (and false)

[Anonymous]

6-18 months is magically fun for me. I love that age. If it weren’t irresponsible to have ten kids, and I had help through the toddler years, I’d have had ten. I’m absolutely in love with older babies. I’d you’re not, that’s okay. No need to have more.

[Anonymous]

I loved the baby stage (& really all the stages to varying degrees… oldest is now a teen). I only had two, but would have had more if circumstances had allowed. But some people don’t enjoy babies yet want the kids when they’re older, so they endure the baby phase for that. And still others will be happier with 1 or 0 children. Personal differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

It is. Far more attention has been paid to parent child relationships, but children spend more time with their siblings than their parents and our siblings are with us throughout our life course while our parents are not. Having good relationships with siblings as a young adult is more predictive of emotional well being than good relationships with parents. It’s on parents to foster positive, healthy relationships between their children, but when that happens the results are powerful.

The comments about having a better relationship seem desperate. It’s different, but not better or worse. Also, many of us with more than one child learn so much through the experience of parenting children with different temperaments and personalities and many of us believe that makes us better parents to all of our children.

No one has said they have a better relationship with their only. They have said they have a *specific* relationship with their only, which they like, and they know that relationship would be different (not necessarily worse, just different) if they had more kids.

Some of you are obsessed with trying to rank family sizes and it's pointless. Mamy people don't even get to pick -- they have secondary fertility issues or they have twins or other multiples and fate chooses for them. Honestly, we're all lucky to have kids at all and insisting that your family is better because you have more than one sounds incredibly myopic to me. You learned something from parenting kids with different temperaments, another mom will learn something from parenting and only. Stop putting down others to elevate yourself. Just stop.

She specifically said less special, that is what people are responding to, because it’s antagonistic and rude (and false)

She was speaking to her own experience and her own decision to stick with one, not the universal experience of all mothers. That's allowed. She felt that having another could make that relationship feel less special so she stuck with one. There is no way to prove or disprove that without some kind of parallel universe or time travel situation. She followed her gut and it worked out for her.

I do not understand why so many people have *freaked out* as a result. If you have more than one kid and feel you relationship with your kids is as good or better as a result of having more, then that's your experience and you made the right choice for you. End of story. What someone else does in their own life doesn't change that.

OP sounds like she's leaning towards sticking with one, but she'll have to base that decision on what resonates most with her. I suspect many happy parents of only children feel similarly to the PP who values what she thinks is a unique relationship, so that perspective might be of value to someone who is presently thinking they might be one and done.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

Of course you think it's "bull" -- you can't imagine that there is any downside to any of your choices. It's very important for you to tell us all how you made all the right choices and have the best life, and besides you're very rich so you didn't have to choose.

But you did. Each of your kids gets less of you than an only child would, or than two kids would get. This is just reality. It doesn't mean it's bad to have 3 kids. But PP is correct that the relationship between an only child and their parents is unique and kids with siblings will not have quite the same bond. They'll have relationships with siblings, and the only child own't have those at all. But no one has it all. There are advantages to having (and being) an only. There are advantages to having (and being one of) multiple kids. Everyone has tradeoffs.

I mean, except you. Of course there are no downsides to anything you've ever done. You're perfect. I know that's important to you.

I don’t think it’s accurate that an only child has a more unique relationship with their parents. It’s different but not better or worse. It can also be an unpleasantly intense relationship if one or both parents are overly oriented towards perfection, has poor boundaries, or parents have a strained marriage. There are no sibling relationships that can provide a ballast and normalcy. My three kids are close in age and their relationships are incredible. They are very close. Our family is close and my husband and I are close to all of them, but they have something special as a sibling unit and with one another as siblings. It’s just different than a parental relationship and it provides a lot of dimensionality.

Your first two sentences are contradictory and also there is no such thing as "more unique." Something is either unique or not.

In any case, I am the parent of an only and I really like the relationship I have with my DD, and I know it would be different if I had more kids. It would still be a good relationship, but different in ways that I would mourn. I think it is nice for my DD to never have to compete with a sibling for my attention. I had to compete with my siblings for attention a lot growing up and it wasn't great.

The sad thing about this response is that you see the sibling relationship through the prism of competition and scarce resources instead of an opportunity to learn, share resources, and provide comfort and emotional support.

+1. PP could be unusually needy or have had narcissistic parents. Sucks for her but stable people who come from nice, normal families mostly have positive memories of sibling-parent relationships. I say this as someone with a narcissist and an enabler for parents so sucks for me too.

These are bizarrely judgmental responses to someone who literally just said she's happy with her family and has a good relationship with her child. It's also a huge leap from "I didn't like the competition I personally experienced with siblings as a kid" to "must be very needy or parent is a narcissist."

Also lots of stable people didn't or don't have amazing relationships with their siblings. If you don't know this, get out more. I'd say about half my friends have good-to-great relationships with siblings and half have bad-to-subpar. And they are all stable, good people (they wouldn't be my friends otherwise). I also have two friends who are only children and they are happy, well-adjusted people who have great relationships with their parents. I think here are good things and downsides to both having siblings and being an only, both in childhood and in adulthood.

The world is a complex place. It takes all kinds. There is no perfect family set up. Just have the number of kids that works for you and then love them.

It’s not normal to have “subpar” relationships with family unless there’s serious mental/personality issues in the family. I’m not surprised you don’t know this as your post reads narcissistic and un-self aware. You could take your own advice and try to enlighten yourself but it’s unlikely to work.

It is normal in that it is very common. It is a lucky minority who have ideal relationships with parents, siblings, spouses, and kids. Most people have at least one relationships that is difficult or not what they wish it was. For me it is my dad and my older sister. I have good relationships with my brother and mom and spouse and kids. But my dad and I have always been oil and water and I don't think I'll ever understand what my sister wants from me -- she is forever unhappy with me so I stopped trying to please her.

I am guessing based on your post above that you also have at least one family relationship that is not as good as it could be, as your rudeness and enthusiasm for accusing people of being a narcissist is unlikely to play well in all corners. It's okay though. You are not alone.