Reply to How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?" 
[/quote]

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want. [/quote]

I had anxiety about getting married and before trying to conceive each of my three children. Before buying my home. I have anxiety about every major life decision. Not sure your example is a good one. Plenty of people prone to overthinking or even just adequately considering things are like this. I’d be more concerned if someone didn’t have anxiety before making a life changing decision like a marriage or child.[/quote]

Sure, but having anxiety is not the same thing as not wanting to do something and then doing it anyway. I’m assuming when you asked yourself “do I want to go through this whole experience do this even though I’m worried about it?” Your answer was yes. For the person who said “I wasn’t ready but I just closed my eyes and did it,” is not the same as “I am worried about this but I also feel in my gut that this is what I want.” Perhaps they weren’t expressing themselves clearly and the latter is really what they meant to say. But I’ve encountered the former line of logic more than once—and it even appears on this thread. Each time I encounter it I wonder what’s underneath there.

Anxiety about a wedding is one thing. Anxiety about who you are getting married to is another. One I would push through, the other I would not ignore. Same thing with the baby question. Some worries may be worth pushing through, some may need to be given space to figure out a path forward. [/quote]

I had anxiety about getting married, not about the wedding. And like I said, had anxiety about adding each kid to my family, buying a house etc. even though those were all things I wanted to do. I was just nervous about how they would all change my life and the things that would be out of my control. Often anxiety is an inner voice telling you not to do something you want to do, or making you feel uncertain or nervous of the questions you cannot answer or outcomes you can’t control.[/quote]

That’s an interesting perspective. In your life, you’ve learned to ignore your anxiety because it is just a blocker or an obstacle that your brain creates that is trying to prevent you from getting to what you want?  But, it also sounds like you always knew what you wanted, which was to get married, have multiple kids, buy an house, etc. So in your case, the anxiety is not preventing you from knowing what you want, it’s just, like, a little hurdle to push through? Is it like, nerves, or like hesitation? Like a little tickle in the back of your brain that is annoying but not substantive?

For me, anxiety can be like that. Like my brain overreacting to something. Example: my brain tells me not to go to a party because I might have nobody to talk to. I don’t listen to that. Or when I worry about something that can easily be solved, like “if i have another child I’ll have to breastfeed and I didn’t like it.” I can bat that back with plain old logic and persistence.

But there’s another subtype of anxiety that I experience that’s like a cross between a gut, intuitive feeling and anxiety. A deep, persistent churning, or brooding, maybe? Something I get stuck on for a long while, turn over for weeks or months or even years. It is usually about something I haven’t really consciously thought about a lot. Like an assumption that I’m making, or a path I’ve ended up on by accident. For me, THAT anxiety is actually a guide or a map to understanding myself better. Like, my brain saying “woah woah woah, this isn’t right, this isn’t you, this isn’t aligning with your values.”

When I experience that type of anxiety, I do listen to it. Or, at least give it a spot at the table. Where is it coming from? Can I fix it? Is it based on something that happened that I can prevent from happening again? Is it over generalizing something that was very specific? Etc. I did not experience that kind of deep anxiety when I was getting married. Or when I bought a house. Or when I had my first child. But I DID experience it when it came time to decide on a second child. And I’ve experienced it at other times in life, too. So, I don’t ignore that type. [/quote]

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