People in sexless marriages....how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

Twice a month marriage here. I act out by being a terrible flirt when on business travel and conferences. I travel about 5 days a month and have come very close to straying but have stopped myself at last moment. I can’t decide if I should confess or if that will just complicate things more. I do love my DH and I think he would be have more sex. The problem is I want sex with new people. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

I chuckle at this when people talk about communication being the end-all/be-all of marriage. If the low-libido spouse is simply wired to not want much sex, "communication" about sex tends to reduce sex as much as anything else. Even if the frustrated spouse is friendly and non-accusatory about the whole thing, it still adds pressure to the sexual relationship. And pressure is a libido-killer. So the low libido becomes subterranean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

I chuckle at this when people talk about communication being the end-all/be-all of marriage. If the low-libido spouse is simply wired to not want much sex, "communication" about sex tends to reduce sex as much as anything else. Even if the frustrated spouse is friendly and non-accusatory about the whole thing, it still adds pressure to the sexual relationship. And pressure is a libido-killer. So the low libido becomes subterranean.

And then if you give them space and let it go for a bit, the next time you bring sex up it a a total surprise…or they’re “working on it”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

DW here. I’m yelled at aggressively if I bring up the lack of sex. Even if I’m incredibly careful about how I bring it up and what I say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

Abusive husbands especially LOVE that line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

DW here. I’m yelled at aggressively if I bring up the lack of sex. Even if I’m incredibly careful about how I bring it up and what I say.

Yelled at about what?

Being a slob all day long? Neglecting your children and spouse? Forgetting to do needed things? Being a jerk all the time? Then bringing up how you want sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

Abusive husbands especially LOVE that line.

There’s a difference in how you approach it.

I’ve been on both sides - the low drive spouse (in my first marriage) and the high drive (current marriage).

In my first marriage, I made it clear to H what I needed to want sex - he needed to be nicer, to work with me as a team, stop the emotional abuse, do things I enjoy in bed. He refused to do those things, would get angry, and do the whole “married people have sex!” and “fine I’ll go cheat!” thing.

With my second H, I was calm and had multiple discussion with him about how sex wa important to me and I wanted to do everything I could to help him want sex, rather than pressure him into it.

When a year went by and he still wasn’t into sex, I had a calm discussion that I loved him, and I would never force him to have sex, but it was important to me so we’d have to either split up or open the marriage because I wasn’t going to force someone into sex they didn’t want or go the rest of my life without it.

One is trying to manipulate someone into sex, the other is acknowledging that you won’t force them, but you also won’t be sexless and so a solution needs to be found. Then they get to choose what the solution is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There’s a difference in how you approach it.

I’ve been on both sides - the low drive spouse (in my first marriage) and the high drive (current marriage).

In my first marriage, I made it clear to H what I needed to want sex - he needed to be nicer, to work with me as a team, stop the emotional abuse, do things I enjoy in bed. He refused to do those things, would get angry, and do the whole “married people have sex!” and “fine I’ll go cheat!” thing.

With my second H, I was calm and had multiple discussion with him about how sex wa important to me and I wanted to do everything I could to help him want sex, rather than pressure him into it.

When a year went by and he still wasn’t into sex, I had a calm discussion that I loved him, and I would never force him to have sex, but it was important to me so we’d have to either split up or open the marriage because I wasn’t going to force someone into sex they didn’t want or go the rest of my life without it.

One is trying to manipulate someone into sex, the other is acknowledging that you won’t force them, but you also won’t be sexless and so a solution needs to be found. Then they get to choose what the solution is.

A lot of women do the bolded part. It makes no sense. Stop doing it. It's ruining your sex life and your marriage.

PP, what did DH2 choose - more sex, split, or open?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There’s a difference in how you approach it.

I’ve been on both sides - the low drive spouse (in my first marriage) and the high drive (current marriage).

In my first marriage, I made it clear to H what I needed to want sex - he needed to be nicer, to work with me as a team, stop the emotional abuse, do things I enjoy in bed. He refused to do those things, would get angry, and do the whole “married people have sex!” and “fine I’ll go cheat!” thing.

With my second H, I was calm and had multiple discussion with him about how sex wa important to me and I wanted to do everything I could to help him want sex, rather than pressure him into it.

When a year went by and he still wasn’t into sex, I had a calm discussion that I loved him, and I would never force him to have sex, but it was important to me so we’d have to either split up or open the marriage because I wasn’t going to force someone into sex they didn’t want or go the rest of my life without it.

One is trying to manipulate someone into sex, the other is acknowledging that you won’t force them, but you also won’t be sexless and so a solution needs to be found. Then they get to choose what the solution is.

A lot of women do the bolded part. It makes no sense. Stop doing it. It's ruining your sex life and your marriage.

PP, what did DH2 choose - more sex, split, or open?

^ except the "do things I enjoy in bed" -- that is totally a legit condition for having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

Abusive husbands especially LOVE that line.

There’s a difference in how you approach it.

I’ve been on both sides - the low drive spouse (in my first marriage) and the high drive (current marriage).

In my first marriage, I made it clear to H what I needed to want sex - he needed to be nicer, to work with me as a team, stop the emotional abuse, do things I enjoy in bed. He refused to do those things, would get angry, and do the whole “married people have sex!” and “fine I’ll go cheat!” thing.

With my second H, I was calm and had multiple discussion with him about how sex wa important to me and I wanted to do everything I could to help him want sex, rather than pressure him into it.

When a year went by and he still wasn’t into sex, I had a calm discussion that I loved him, and I would never force him to have sex, but it was important to me so we’d have to either split up or open the marriage because I wasn’t going to force someone into sex they didn’t want or go the rest of my life without it.

One is trying to manipulate someone into sex, the other is acknowledging that you won’t force them, but you also won’t be sexless and so a solution needs to be found. Then they get to choose what the solution is.

Your second approach is very caring and mature. What’s the plan if time goes by and nothing changes? I’ve been waiting for years while the kids grow up. I’m skeptical that an open marriage would work for me emotionally so that would likely be a bluff for me. Do you have a real plan and timeline to follow through? Sounds like first husband isn’t a candidate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

Abusive husbands especially LOVE that line.

There’s a difference in how you approach it.

I’ve been on both sides - the low drive spouse (in my first marriage) and the high drive (current marriage).

In my first marriage, I made it clear to H what I needed to want sex - he needed to be nicer, to work with me as a team, stop the emotional abuse, do things I enjoy in bed. He refused to do those things, would get angry, and do the whole “married people have sex!” and “fine I’ll go cheat!” thing.

With my second H, I was calm and had multiple discussion with him about how sex wa important to me and I wanted to do everything I could to help him want sex, rather than pressure him into it.

When a year went by and he still wasn’t into sex, I had a calm discussion that I loved him, and I would never force him to have sex, but it was important to me so we’d have to either split up or open the marriage because I wasn’t going to force someone into sex they didn’t want or go the rest of my life without it.

One is trying to manipulate someone into sex, the other is acknowledging that you won’t force them, but you also won’t be sexless and so a solution needs to be found. Then they get to choose what the solution is.

No one cares.

And this has nothing to do with abusive deadweight husbands/ fathers who abuse and then turn around to threaten and demand “sex because it’s a natural part of marriage.”

BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sleeping with a dysfunctional ManChild!

This.

Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

DW here. I’m yelled at aggressively if I bring up the lack of sex. Even if I’m incredibly careful about how I bring it up and what I say.

Yelled at about what?

Being a slob all day long? Neglecting your children and spouse? Forgetting to do needed things? Being a jerk all the time? Then bringing up how you want sex?

Yelled at for acknowledging I want sex and that we haven’t had it recently. It damages his ego.

I’m not a slob, rarely forget to do things and I don’t neglect my children or spouse. I’m also not fat.

I know it’s hard to believe but there truly are spouses who are low drive and it has nothing to do with what the other spouse does or doesn’t do.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don’t think I am dealing. I just realized how very little I think of sex. I used to be high Drive before him. He really conditioned me to not expect anything. I saw a picture the other day of a couple embracing in bed (to be fair. I looked up something because I was trying to figure out how a position worked) and someone was telling me about dating and my mind was actually really confused. Like I had erased the the look feel and aromas of sex entirely. I hate this. I hate it so much. I love him, but I really miss being with someone intimately. This is awful.