People in sexless marriages....how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t it illegal to sleep with a ManChild, whose brain and emotional development is like age 4?

I'll tell what it is: a revelation of your incapacity and or failure to pick a suitable mate. Carry on with the perpetual victimhood.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

DW here. I’m yelled at aggressively if I bring up the lack of sex. Even if I’m incredibly careful about how I bring it up and what I say.

Yelled at about what?

Being a slob all day long? Neglecting your children and spouse? Forgetting to do needed things? Being a jerk all the time? Then bringing up how you want sex?

Yelled at for acknowledging I want sex and that we haven’t had it recently. It damages his ego.

I’m not a slob, rarely forget to do things and I don’t neglect my children or spouse. I’m also not fat.

I know it’s hard to believe but there truly are spouses who are low drive and it has nothing to do with what the other spouse does or doesn’t do.

Agree with you on the bolded. But according to dcum, this is possible only when husband is low drive. When wife is low drive, it’s always husband’s fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist told me this week that after six plus years of a sexless marriage and an increasing curiosity on bisexuality that I should either discuss it with DW knowing it could end the marriage, act upon my desire and see where it goes before discussing with DW or let it go. I think I've decided to scratch that itch and go for it.

Your therapist sounds terrible. You should probably get a second opinion.

Please don’t act on it without talking to DW.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

DW here. I’m yelled at aggressively if I bring up the lack of sex. Even if I’m incredibly careful about how I bring it up and what I say.

Yelled at about what?

Being a slob all day long? Neglecting your children and spouse? Forgetting to do needed things? Being a jerk all the time? Then bringing up how you want sex?

Yelled at for acknowledging I want sex and that we haven’t had it recently. It damages his ego.

I’m not a slob, rarely forget to do things and I don’t neglect my children or spouse. I’m also not fat.

I know it’s hard to believe but there truly are spouses who are low drive and it has nothing to do with what the other spouse does or doesn’t do.

Agree with you on the bolded. But according to dcum, this is possible only when husband is low drive. When wife is low drive, it’s always husband’s fault

More chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 15 years. Haven't had sex in probably 10 years at this point - I've lost track.

I've had periodic meltdowns, gotten us into therapy, offered to do all kinds of things, but I'm the only one making any kind of effort. I have no idea what his problem(s) is/are - nor does he, and he is not willing to do anything about it.

It's miserable. I cope by masturbating, reminding myself of the many wonderful things about our life, and deciding I can mostly live with it. And it sucks. And I'm so very sad that this is my life. And I'm in my late 50's now so I guess I will just give up.

(And we have kids who are still young - so that puts divorce off the table.)

So I feel your pain OP, but have nothing useful to offer.

PP, how about trying an open marriage? Or leaving him?

[Anonymous]

Sex in my marriage was never great. DH has some issues. It essentially became a sexless marriage. If that had been the only issue, I might have stuck it out, but there were numerous other problems (his out of control anger issues, his unemployment, etc.). I finally decided that being in a sexless marriage with an unemployed man who shouts at me was not something I was willing to stick with. We separated.

I am now 55 and having the best sex of my life in a new relationship. Please don't listen to the people who say your sex life somehow has to end by the time you're in your mid or late 50s! Yes, some women experience a drop-off in libido or menopause-related symptoms that make sex uncomfortable. Neither of these things happened to me. I am soooo glad to no longer be stuck in a celibate relationship.

[Anonymous]

Womanizer suction does wonders if you’re in a sexless marriage or if one of you travels a lot for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Womanizer suction does wonders if you’re in a sexless marriage or if one of you travels a lot for work.

It’s a sure fire orgasm. It’s not sex with someone. Eventually it’s not enough. I have a closet full of sure things. I want my husband. (To want me back)

[Anonymous]

Anyone in the situation where your spouse is just really bad at sex and that’s why you don’t want to have it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Womanizer suction does wonders if you’re in a sexless marriage or if one of you travels a lot for work.

It’s a sure fire orgasm. It’s not sex with someone. Eventually it’s not enough. I have a closet full of sure things. I want my husband. (To want me back)

I will never understand how people will say toys are enough for them. Being with another person is a craving that can’t be met with toys. Another human, with all the things that come with it-will never be matched by a toy-no matter how amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone in the situation where your spouse is just really bad at sex and that’s why you don’t want to have it?

I’m in that boat . He also didn’t want to improve at all based on my feedback but I am quite good in bed so it was getting frustrating . I took on an AP

[Anonymous]

Aspie guy has always been bad at it. Am sick of leading and sick of his slobby bad habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm going bonkers. The other day I took the kids to IHOP while he slept in and eye-f***ed the hell out of an adorable college guy working there. Seriously thought about slipping him my number and giving him the time of his life.

How do you deal? I don't think I can last 3 more months like this, let alone another 20 years.

I was in a similar situation, and I threw caution to the wind. On a recent weekend away I met a younger guy, invited him back to the AirBnB I had rented to enjoy the hot tub. He arrived with a bottle of champagne, which helped to set the tone. Before long we were both naked and I was putty in his hands. He did things to me that I never enjoyed previously.

We decided to take a shower together and grab a bite to eat. Enjoyed a fun evening with dinner and laughter.

I resisted bringing him back to my AirBnB after dinner, knowing that would lead to PIV sex. We parted ways late that evening, it was fun and highly erotic. I don’t feel as though I broke my wedding vows, it was fun without having PIV sex.

That romp took the edge off, allowed me to relax, and refocus. While I have my paramours contact information, I’ve resisted contacting him.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I remember the last time my DW seemed really turned on and initiated sex. It was September of 2022. That was great! Since then, I’m really the one who initiates but there’s a 50/50 chance of being shot down. I’d say we average maybe once month to six weeks at best. I get frustrated, but try to stay positive. When I try to talk about it, it doesn’t seem to help. If I say something like, “We haven’t had sex since my birthday” (at the end of August), she gets annoyed and says she can’t believe I’m keeping track. A week or so ago she asked me what was wrong. Said I seemed down. I explained that it was probably because of the pre mentioned reason and that I kept hoping (daily) that she might be the one to show interest or initiate it. Well, here we are a weekend later…

The first rule of sexless marriage is don’t talk about sexless marriage.

Because it makes the *witholding* spouse upset.

And we can’t have that.

Yep. BTDT. Whatever the reason, it’s crazy not to be able to objectively acknowledge “you know, most people anticipate that sex will be part of a marriage”.

DW here. I’m yelled at aggressively if I bring up the lack of sex. Even if I’m incredibly careful about how I bring it up and what I say.

Yelled at about what?

Being a slob all day long? Neglecting your children and spouse? Forgetting to do needed things? Being a jerk all the time? Then bringing up how you want sex?

Yelled at for acknowledging I want sex and that we haven’t had it recently. It damages his ego.

I’m not a slob, rarely forget to do things and I don’t neglect my children or spouse. I’m also not fat.

I know it’s hard to believe but there truly are spouses who are low drive and it has nothing to do with what the other spouse does or doesn’t do.

Agree with you on the bolded. But according to dcum, this is possible only when husband is low drive. When wife is low drive, it’s always husband’s fault

DH here.

This is an accurate description of DCUMAD’s relationship sub forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 15 years. Haven't had sex in probably 10 years at this point - I've lost track.

I've had periodic meltdowns, gotten us into therapy, offered to do all kinds of things, but I'm the only one making any kind of effort. I have no idea what his problem(s) is/are - nor does he, and he is not willing to do anything about it.

It's miserable. I cope by masturbating, reminding myself of the many wonderful things about our life, and deciding I can mostly live with it. And it sucks. And I'm so very sad that this is my life. And I'm in my late 50's now so I guess I will just give up.

(And we have kids who are still young - so that puts divorce off the table.)

So I feel your pain OP, but have nothing useful to offer.

You're in your late 50's and yet, you have young kids?