Moved into house and husband doesn’t seem interested in doing house projects

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suss out if he’s immature and lacks adult skills in every realm.

Op is all over the place like a troll.

Responds to some things, ignores others, keeps posting absurdities, says he’s wonderful in so many other vague ways yet he’s unresponsive for property repairs.

I don’t know about that. OP sounds like my DH when he gets on a tear about something. He’ll email lists of things “we” (he means me) need to do, then follow up every few days to check on my progress. This happens by email now, because I stopped taking his calls during the workday and he’s smart enough not to bug me when I’m driving the kids around or making dinner.

If he brings it up at home, I’ll just tell him I understand what he wants see happen, but his project is about 20 items down on my to-do list, and I’ll let him know when I’m ready to focus. He’ll then either do the project himself or wait until I’m ready to talk about it. He is only sort of aware that I will always refuse to drop everything to help him on this sort of non-essential and/or non-pressing priority of his, but he has come to be more patient with my timeline and approach when the alternative is him having to do the work.

[Anonymous]

This is why you find a reliable qualified and affordable handyman. They are hard to find for sure and the few good ones are always busy. We found one when we bought our house 10 years ago and he still does small projects as small as $200 for us.

Honestly given how busy I am with my job, kids sports travel, house projects are the last thing on my mind.

[Anonymous]

I get that there’s a fatigue post-move with the endless do list. But I think you just want him to care. About making the house a place that is put together and feels good to come home to. Because you care about that. The things you list are bothering you, and it would be nice for him to contribute his ideas and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you find a reliable qualified and affordable handyman. They are hard to find for sure and the few good ones are always busy. We found one when we bought our house 10 years ago and he still does small projects as small as $200 for us.

There's a handyman in this other thread that the OP is trying to get rid of... He could get busy in your house next.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1229369.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

All of these can wait, there is nothing urgent on this list.

+1000

Not a single thing on that list is important. Nor is it anything he should care about. If you don't want to stare at a blank wall, then you figure out what to do with it. I'm a woman, by the way, and I wouldn't want a disorganized house, but I also know that my husband wouldn't care what the bookshelf looks like so it's on me to do it how I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

It depends, do you want to wallow in your misery or would you like to have a pleasant marriage? Sure, if he provides no assistance with any of the decorating, then he shouldn't get a say in how it is done. That's a "fair" way to look at it. It might also lead to discord down the road, which, yes, he is responsible for, but I think you have to look at how you want to live. Life is rarely exactly as we would like it to be. So you have to learn how to deal with the disappointments. Or you can live in the negative, it's really up to you. It sounds like you so badly want to be "right" that you don't care about anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

HE. DOES. NOT. CARE.

I don't know how many people can say that before you get it. He doesn't care about your decor. He doesn't care about blank walls. He doesn't care. So start there and act accordingly. You can't make him care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

If he cared, he'd handle it. He's telling you he doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP consider breaking down your list into "maintenance" vs "aesthetics". All of the "I don't care" posters are dumping your concerns into the throw pillow category. Those posters may not care about pillows, but they sure as hell care if a toilet flushes. You can't live in a SFH with someone whose position is to "not care" about home maintenance. There's a place for those folks; it's called an apartment.

You'll have to adjust on the aesthetics (this often about money, btw, and what's considered necessary vs not). But HVAC, door knobs, plumbing, and electrical etc. are not optional items he gets to dump on you. I feel your disappointment re: someone who doesn't share your excitement. My H didn't either, and I had to get over that. But "getting over it" didn't mean accepting that maintenance was my job.

(Side note: I find a man who can't pick up a flat head screwdriver to tighten a loose fixture deeply unsexy. Yeah I said it. I told my H I am happy to hire out electrical. But if I'm calling a handyman every time I have a loose doorknob I'll happily be single. And yes, I cook and we have great sex before anyone asks).

Yes you can, you just hire someone to fix it. I'm a wife and I have zero interest in doing anything plumbing or electrical related. Could I learn how to do it? Probably, I'm not an idiot. Do I want to? Absolutely not. So if my husband wouldn't fix it, we'd hire someone. I don't expect him to care about it any more than I do just because he's a man.

Also, door knobs don't belong in the same category as HVAC, plumbing, and electrical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

I'm beginning to see why your husband doesn't want to interact with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

You have to ignore the people talking about the “male brain” and insisting that your DH doesn’t care about any home decor or organization—they are just projecting. Men are not a monolith entity with a hive mind. They are individual people with their own preferences. My DH cares a lot about how things look, and is perfectly willing to undertake projects to achieve his goals for the house, and that’s true of tons of other guys I know as well.

But your approach still seems unreasonably black and white. Have you sat down with him and had a conversation about your goals for the house, and his, how they will be achieved and the timeline for accomplishing them? It’s not fair to impose the clearly rather accelerated timeline you envision without his sign off. And whoever has the lead on a project in the house absolutely needs to listen to the other’s thoughts. If you can’t agree, move on to a non-controversial project and circle back later. I know my DH became much more comfortable in my taste and decision making abilities as time wore on in our first house, and he now rarely objects to any element of what I’ve proposed.

Ok, but OP's husband isn't perfectly willing to undertake projects to achieve her goals for the house, but he does 50/50 on everything else. What does that tell you?

[Anonymous]

OP you do sound all over the place. In one post he cares deeply about decor, in the next he couldnt give less sh*ts. He does excellent work, but he is too slow for you. Make up your mind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you find a reliable qualified and affordable handyman. They are hard to find for sure and the few good ones are always busy. We found one when we bought our house 10 years ago and he still does small projects as small as $200 for us.

There's a handyman in this other thread that the OP is trying to get rid of... He could get busy in your house next.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1229369.page

Lol re “get busy”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you do sound all over the place. In one post he cares deeply about decor, in the next he couldnt give less sh*ts. He does excellent work, but he is too slow for you. Make up your mind!

OP here - what? I was saying that he's not going to make the effort to proactively decorate. If I don't decorate, I'm pretty sure the walls will always be blank. BUT if I said hey look at this painting I want to hang up on the wall, he might say no that's ugly, I don't like that.

Also, I said he executes well on things he decides to do, but it's on his timeline. So some things might take him a while.

How is any of that inconsistent or are you not smart?

[Anonymous]

He probably isn't good at home projects and doesn't want to mess something up. Just being male doesn't make a guy good at this stuff. And he just might not want to spend his free time this way. You should have talked about this before buying a house.