Moved into house and husband doesn’t seem interested in doing house projects

[Anonymous]

Suss out if he’s immature and lacks adult skills in every realm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An undervalued part of a good pre marriage counseling is going through a long list of life tasks and asking a) how they were handled in your house growing up; and b) how you expect they will be handled in your marriage.

Toilet handle and outlet are two good examples.

+1 the remarriage counseling bit through a church or temple focuses on the Day to Day living in family of origin and each partner’s current mind set.
Highly recommend

[Anonymous]

* marriage not remarriage (whatever that is!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 separate issues:

Lack of interest in decor

Lack of interest in fixing things.

He’s never going to be interested in the decor of the house, but you can come to an agreement like adults about fixing things.

This is key.

Like all decisions and instincts it’s actually three steps most mature adults do instantaneously:

1) See a problem.

2) Decide to fix it or call the correct repair people.

3) Knowledge and know-how (from life, parents, experiences) how to fix it correctly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fine for him not to be excited about DIY projects, but he should carry his weight on repairs that need to be done. A broken outlet needs to be fixed (albeit not immediately, unless it's the only one in an area with high use).

It's possible he is on a different timeline than you, and you might need to back off to find out. Can you ask him to take responsibility for a particular issue and see how it plays out? You deal with the toilet issue, and he deals with the outlet. If he looks it up on YouTube and gets excited about DIY (assuming it isn't a dangerous electrical issue), great. If he calls someone to come fix it, great. It might not happen for a week or two, but you could loop back with him and find out how it's going.

It sounds like something you two can work out easily with some experimentation and communication.

We moved into a 2004 home recently that had 8 key hole doors- front door, 2 side doors, doors in back by pool, tons of French doors with locks.

Guess how many local actually still functioned? With the key that would turn and lock or unlock it?

2.

The former homeowners would notice something wasn’t working, and just overuse something else that was.

We had to pay a locksmith $400 for rekeying and cleaning/piling the locks.

There was also a gas oven that leaked we repaired, broken ice maker, leaky gutters that simply needing re-securing, pool equipment all broken, super old systems everywhere, 1 of 2 water heaters didn’t go on, etc.

Real winners. And frankly we sat at the closing signing things thinking they were total idiots. And we got a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just bought a house as first time owners. I’m really excited to make the place ours and am constantly looking for things I can fix up or decorate, etc., or looking up what we need to maintain the house. My husband on the other hand acts like the house is “done” (other than getting more furniture). It’s starting to bug me that he’s not also looking for stuff to do around the house and it feels like I’m going to do a ton and he’s just going to free load.

I’m not just talking about decorating; stuff has come off like a toilet stopped flushing or some outlets weren’t working and he doesn’t seem interested in dealing with it. If he’s not interested in decorating then fine but shouldn’t he at least fix things or find people to do it?

I want to have a talk about it but haven’t broached the subject yet. I’m sure I’m a little overeager with getting stuff done quickly, but it bothers that I’m putting in all this effort and he’s just like cool you do that.

Is there a good way you’d suggest bringing this up without just saying hey can you do more projects around the house? Because I don’t think he’ll react well to that or know what to do with that.

WTF.

If you BOTH don’t fix broken stuff it leads to more damage and broken stuff.

Leaks, worn out stuff, broken things should all be repaired in a timely manner so other systems don’t get over-use or adjacent things damaged.

Good luck. Does he have executive functioning issues in general? Just freezes or walks off at resolving something?

[Anonymous]

You can’t make someone be excited about the same things you are. You want him to go around the house with a clip board and find all the things he could do with his free time? Not going to happen. When something breaks, you can ask him if he wants to try to fix it or you hire someone to do it. You bought the house and live in it, it is ‘yours’ even without new paint or working outlets.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a man who protects his assets well.

[Anonymous]

Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

Maybe not though. Some people, men and women, couldn't care less if their house was decorated as long as they had somewhere to sit down and sleep. This is your problem - you think he cares about the same things you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

Maybe not though. Some people, men and women, couldn't care less if their house was decorated as long as they had somewhere to sit down and sleep. This is your problem - you think he cares about the same things you do.

I mean this is where we are in my house. Very little decoration, we've never "upgraded" anything in a decade beyond putting a kid height coat rack on one wall. We fix necessary stuff, but we can go through a whole year without any major work on the house. The idea that OP is sitting there researching smart homes make it seem a lot like she's adopting home improvement as a hobby even if she says she doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

This is sooo clever. Assume most people can see through cleverness for what it is.

[Anonymous]

" I’m really excited to make the place ours and am constantly looking for things I can fix up or decorate, etc., or looking up what we need to maintain the house. "

Funny that OP is walking back now that she didn't get universal praise for berating her husband about decor. OP you specifically talk about how excited you are about this, now you talk about how resentful you are. Which is it? If you are so excited that you can't help but look for things to decorate and upgrade/improve, it doesnt really sound like theres much of an issue.

You want him to want to help - that isn't realistic. Sometimes you have to accept the person you have has different priorities.

[Anonymous]

When a toilet is broken the husband should fix it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nightmare. I guess you'll have to learn to hire people.