Moved into house and husband doesn’t seem interested in doing house projects

[Anonymous]

This is not going to end well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

It's still (at least) half his house. Of course he should get a say. How old are you? You sound ridiculously immature.

He doesn’t seem like an adult you can bounce ideas off of and he has some thoughts or a quick conversations.

Sorry Op. you might be in for a lonely marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

In what planet are new couch cushions the same as broken sockets, broken toilets, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Who was dumb enough to buy a house recently when it’s an election year and rates are going down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP consider breaking down your list into "maintenance" vs "aesthetics". All of the "I don't care" posters are dumping your concerns into the throw pillow category. Those posters may not care about pillows, but they sure as hell care if a toilet flushes. You can't live in a SFH with someone whose position is to "not care" about home maintenance. There's a place for those folks; it's called an apartment.

You'll have to adjust on the aesthetics (this often about money, btw, and what's considered necessary vs not). But HVAC, door knobs, plumbing, and electrical etc. are not optional items he gets to dump on you. I feel your disappointment re: someone who doesn't share your excitement. My H didn't either, and I had to get over that. But "getting over it" didn't mean accepting that maintenance was my job.

As frustrating as it might seem, OP - you need to make two lists - “must do” maintenance tasks and “nice to do” aesthetic/decorating tasks.

Must do - toilet isn’t working or sink is stopped up, leak in the basement, outlet not working, etc.

Nice to do - wall art.

Then go over the lists with your DH, prioritize them and split them up.

Conflict will arise for things that you might see as “must do” (the basement, kids furniture) and he might think of as nice to do. Break those down into smaller tasks and decide if they are a must do or a nice to do- must dos are a place for your kid to sleep and put their clothes, books, and toys. But a nice to do is having a themed mural.

If there’s a nice to do that he says he doesn’t care about and doesn’t want to do any work on, but you do, you can then say “okay, I’m going to handle this and I’ll stick to this budget, but if you want to have any say in how it turns out, you need to put in more effort than just saying no to what I suggest”

I’m a DW who is reasonably handy, but doesn’t like to commit to anything right away. I’m also fine with being in a functional, but aesthetically boring/less than ideal place for a while so I can figure out how I want the space to work.

My DH is handy, but he struggles with long term planning and researching, loves hanging picture, and wants to tackle home projects ASAP.

So for me, if it’s not leaking, smoking, or overflowing, I’d like to wait a bit to see how things play out. While he starts hanging pictures before we’ve even decided what furniture goes where!

After going through three moves and two renovations, we have made some progress on getting to a compatible place. Mostly by compromising when we make decisions - I now make them when I’m 80% sure, and he now waits a bit before rushing forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

All of these can wait, there is nothing urgent on this list.

[Anonymous]

15:11 here

Also - there’s no reason why the DH has to be responsible for the maintenance, rather than the DW - as long as there’s a reasonable split in household/life tasks overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

It's still (at least) half his house. Of course he should get a say. How old are you? You sound ridiculously immature.

Exactly!

Half the house (his half) should have burst pipes, broken toilets, overgrown bushes, peeling paint and the other half should be well maintained. Excellent idea .

Why are you talking about burst pipes when OP is talking about bookshelves and plants?

[Anonymous]

OP, I relate so much to wanting your first house to immediately be perfect and ready for hosting friends etc. We lived in a tiny, crappy house for years and finally finished an addition and re-model…and then we moved all our old, gross furniture in. I hate that the house looks bad because we have the falling apart IKEA couch in our brand new family room, and several rooms with no furniture at all. But I am with your husband on you needing to take a chill pill and wait on some of this stuff. Fix the necessary stuff and then pick other projects one at a time. For us, it’s super expensive and we just can’t afford to buy art AND chairs AND an outdoor table right now. If you want new kid furniture AND basement stuff AND bookshelf organizing AND a new light all at once…that’s a lot! Not just money, but it’s a pain to pick all this stuff, and he doesn’t want to do it all immediately. And it sounds like you knew this about him, he isn’t going to want to do all of this totally optional stuff right after you just moved in!

So pick what matters most right now, and focus on that. You hate the light, is he ok if you spend the money to replace it? If yes, find a couple styles you like and get his input. But you can’t make him want to do all these optional things that are all basically couch cushions.

[Anonymous]

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

No one has focused on this. OP, you can't dictate that he live by your timeline. There are some repairs that need to be done immediately, because they will cause damage to the house or are dangerous. Other than that, it's perfectly fine that he takes his time as long as he does it well (and you said that he does). You do need ot have a conversation about splitting up repair duties, and part of that is you being OK that something takes more time than you'd like. If you are doing repairs simply because you don't like his timeline, then that's on you. Any resentment you feel is self-inflicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who was dumb enough to buy a house recently when it’s an election year and rates are going down?

Ever heard of this thing called refinancing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who was dumb enough to buy a house recently when it’s an election year and rates are going down?

Ever heard of this thing called refinancing?

Ever heard of this thing called peak value?

No amount of refinancing helps that. Besides, today is high rates, all time high insurance costs, and increasing property taxes.

[Anonymous]

My DH is least interested in house projects. I also don't want him to do anything also. I would rather decorate and remodel to my taste. So, I have a lawnmower man for my yard, and a handyman who does the repair for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suss out if he’s immature and lacks adult skills in every realm.

Op is all over the place like a troll.

Responds to some things, ignores others, keeps posting absurdities, says he’s wonderful in so many other vague ways yet he’s unresponsive for property repairs.

[Anonymous]

You have a communication problem. This should have been discussed before marriage.
If you care that much about decoration and home improvements, why did you marry a guy who doesn't give a s*t?