Moved into house and husband doesn’t seem interested in doing house projects

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

You have to ignore the people talking about the “male brain” and insisting that your DH doesn’t care about any home decor or organization—they are just projecting. Men are not a monolith entity with a hive mind. They are individual people with their own preferences. My DH cares a lot about how things look, and is perfectly willing to undertake projects to achieve his goals for the house, and that’s true of tons of other guys I know as well.

But your approach still seems unreasonably black and white. Have you sat down with him and had a conversation about your goals for the house, and his, how they will be achieved and the timeline for accomplishing them? It’s not fair to impose the clearly rather accelerated timeline you envision without his sign off. And whoever has the lead on a project in the house absolutely needs to listen to the other’s thoughts. If you can’t agree, move on to a non-controversial project and circle back later. I know my DH became much more comfortable in my taste and decision making abilities as time wore on in our first house, and he now rarely objects to any element of what I’ve proposed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

You know you can brainstorm this, or send pictures or ideas. Sounds like you like to make things seem extra difficult so you look like a martyr or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

N

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

You have to ignore the people talking about the “male brain” and insisting that your DH doesn’t care about any home decor or organization—they are just projecting. Men are not a monolith entity with a hive mind. They are individual people with their own preferences. My DH cares a lot about how things look, and is perfectly willing to undertake projects to achieve his goals for the house, and that’s true of tons of other guys I know as well.

But your approach still seems unreasonably black and white. Have you sat down with him and had a conversation about your goals for the house, and his, how they will be achieved and the timeline for accomplishing them? It’s not fair to impose the clearly rather accelerated timeline you envision without his sign off. And whoever has the lead on a project in the house absolutely needs to listen to the other’s thoughts. If you can’t agree, move on to a non-controversial project and circle back later. I know my DH became much more comfortable in my taste and decision making abilities as time wore on in our first house, and he now rarely objects to any element of what I’ve proposed.

No I haven't had a conversation. That is actually why I originally wrote this post - to get advice on how to approach him without making him feel annoyed that I'm asking him to put in more effort than he is. Then it sort of devolved as DCUM usually does, lol.

But agreed - I'm going to have a conversation with him at some point. I've just been feeling really annoyed about it all, so hopefully I can talk to him in an objective and non-emotional way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It's a perfect analogy. In that scenario the DH gets value, enjoyment and pleasure of the Roman Empire items. You do not. This is exactly how he feels about your perfectly curated set of couch cushions. He DGAF if they are matching or on trend or textured or or or. If he does have an opinion, why wouldn't you at least listen? Why must everything be your way or the highway? You know marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, right?

Lol, ok. I'm not talking about a "perfectly curated set of couch cushions". You're choosing an extreme example of something that I actually would not care about either.

I'm talking about basic things like - there are a large areas of white walls that need some art or photos put up. The bookshelves are a mess and someone should probably organize them so they look presentable. The basement has a bunch of boxes and nothing else - how should we design the space? Our kid's room barely has anything in it; should we get some more furnishings so it looks more like a complete room? Should we get some plants? There's a really gross old light in a room - should we get a new one?

If he has an opinion about any of this - then great, how about he go and make it his project? If he has 0 opinion, then is it reasonable for me to just do it my way? Or am I supposed to accept that I'm going to put in 100% of the effort, but whatever I do, I have to get his approval and, if he says no, I have to go back and suit his needs and all he has to do is sit there and yes or no?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting but I'm sensing that you all want me to accept that he "doesn't care" but also that I should listen to his opinion? Why should he have an opinion if he "doesn't care"?

Yes, literally, that’s what you should do. But why are you creating problems that don’t even exist yet? You haven’t taken creative control over any projects and had him kvetch about it so far, but you’re assuming he’s going to be a lazy jerk about it all? That’s not operating in good faith, and it’s being prematurely defensive and combative.

You just bought the house, too. Common wisdom says to wait a year before committing to any big projects. Let it breathe, enjoy your new home, and make memories together first. Man can’t even relax from the buying process and the moving in process yet and you’re already picking fights about bare walls. Jeez!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

OP here - but I don't think that's a good analogy. If he likes the Roman Empire and wants to engage in that as a hobby, that brings 0 value/enjoyment in my life. That's his thing and has no effect on me. But if I wanted to make small upgrades to the house, how will he not benefit from that? He's living in the house, and sees/uses/experiences the things that I'm doing.

Maybe other husbands don't care about decorations, but I know mine does (and he can actually be quite opinionated about what looks good or not - even if he's not the one looking into it). Doesn't that change things?

It doesn't change anything. He may care about decoration, but not enough to make it a priority.
If decorating your house is a MUST HAVE for you, it's only a NICE TO HAVE for him.
Since you care more about it, you are the one who should make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi all - OP here. Thanks for the responses. Some were a bit harsher than I expected but I'm actually glad that this is perhaps in part more of a "me problem". At least I can change myself even if I can't change him.

We do have a young kid, and while we are new to homeownership we are not new to marriage. We rented in a condo before and did not have to do repairs ourselves and didn't have that much space to decorate so we didn't really focus on it. When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work! But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

We haven't lived in the house long but I'm already feeling like the "house stuff" is very disproportionately falling on me. We don't have a ton of free time because of work and taking care of our child. When there is free time, he spends it on his hobbies and I'm spending it on "house stuff". Which could encompass decorating but also doing research to see what kind of maintenance we need, or small things we could upgrade (like making it more a smart home - that kind of thing).

Part of it is he also generally lives on a different timeline than me. I'm more of a "doer". Like, I will do things quickly or really focus on do a bunch of stuff, whereas he's fine with taking his time. When he executes on things, he does it well, so I'll give him that. But I often have to wait around for a while before he actually does it.

As for repairing stuff and hiring stuff out, I'm totally fine with hiring, but I'd also want him to proactively find someone to do the work. Which isn't happening.

I don't want "house stuff" to be my thing. It's not like he does "all" the cooking or cleaning or childcare either such that it would feel fair. We try to split up that other stuff. We also both have busy jobs and contribute equally financially. So now that we have a house, which comes with a lot of extra work, I don't want it to all fall on me just because it's not a priority for him.

I like the idea of having a list "must dos" and having an adult conversation where I tell him what needs to be done and discuss how to divide it up. And maybe accepting that the "decorating" part will be my thing (though should he really get an approval right if he's not going to lift a finger to do any of it unless i ask?)

Maybe not though. Some people, men and women, couldn't care less if their house was decorated as long as they had somewhere to sit down and sleep. This is your problem - you think he cares about the same things you do.

Exactly, this describes my husband. He does not notice "decorations" unless they are flashy or outlandish - say gold mirrors or red walls. Otherwise it is all the same to him.

We moved and had to get all new furniture for our place. I bought the furniture and put a lot of it together without him because he not only does not care but also is not as good as putting things together. I also picked all the pictures and art and only asked him a few times if he liked something. I knew there was no point on trying to make him care about home stuff

I will agree if there is a major problem,like a broken appliance spewing water, your SO should try to at least assist with making arrangement for the repairs. That would requires attention and input as an emergency. But I would not expect help with non-emergent issues if your SO does not care one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

I am an obsessive DIY-er and my husband is the opposite or at least very close. Seriously, if I can’t handle a project myself no way he can and I hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

Is this a joke or another lame Troll Tread? Yeah, let’s all be dumb, lazy and live in a broke. pigsty because ManChild don’t care bout nothing.

I swear ever since Jeff Steele started ramping up with advertisements the troll posts multiplied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

Why ARE you on here so much? I thought you work and are busy? I’m at the airport. iD’ing trolls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I say "decorate" - I don't mean painting the walls or any renovations (yet) - I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc. It's not just a "hobby" - it's work!

It’s “work” that YOU think should be done, not him. Since you want it a lot more than him, you should do it.

But I want my house to look nice and that's something he gets to enjoy too (and I know he wants to get a say in it and doesn't want me to just do everything without his input).

He literally does not care. If you don’t do anything he will still enjoy the house just fine. Try it and see!

Think about something he’s interested in that you don’t care about at all. The Roman Empire? WW2 fighter planes? That’s how he feels about your home decoration efforts.

Is this a joke or another lame Troll Tread? Yeah, let’s all be dumb, lazy and live in a broke. pigsty because ManChild don’t care bout nothing.

I swear ever since Jeff Steele started ramping up with advertisements the troll posts multiplied.

There's an ocean between living in a broke pigsty and not having every wall covered in art, photos or a perfectly curated bookshelf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

- I just mean finding some art to hang, finding ways to organize things, getting some extra furniture that would look nice, upgrading old lights, etc.

Another question here is - are you even going to pay attention to his input? If he wants to put up art that you don’t like, are you going to veto it? If you’re going to make all the decisions (and it’s 99% certain you will, every woman does) then it is unreasonable of you to expect him to care about or be involved in the process. You’re going to choose the art, furniture, and light fixtures, and he will have no say? Ok, it’s all you, go do it.

OP here - yes I would listen to his input (e.g., if he says no, I won't do it, unless I suppose I REALLY want to do it, but I can't imagine decorative choices ever falling into that category). But what I was trying to say is that if decorating is going to fall 100% on me, should I really give him a right to say no whenever he wants to? If he wants to have a say, then I'd think he should put some effort into participating. It just seems a little unfair otherwise...

It's still (at least) half his house. Of course he should get a say. How old are you? You sound ridiculously immature.

Exactly!

Half the house (his half) should have burst pipes, broken toilets, overgrown bushes, peeling paint and the other half should be well maintained. Excellent idea .

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser

[Anonymous]

Who should live in a little shack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's simple. You married the wrong guy.
You should have married a guy who is interested in home decor and home projects.
Next time, if you meet a guy and he is not watching HGTV, walk away.

She married a liability. He doesn’t know nor care how to maintain a house property. He’s going to devalue the property.

Furthermore he’s cornered his wife into being responsible for everything as he doesn’t care and is incapable.

[Anonymous]

Move back to an apartment or condo or TH